My only adult daughter finds fault in everything I do

[pattyd]

I am a mother of 3 adult kids. My oldest, and only daughter, and I are always at odds.  The only way she talks to me is thru texting. That is how I find out anything i need or want to know about her or my grandchildren. Or on Facebook. We have had many fights over this, and she tells me its the way she contacts everyone because she is so busy.  The newest problem began on Veterans Day.  The day before, I mentioned the school i work at was having a ceremony and her grandfather was invited. I said would you and the kids like to come? She immediately said yes, she would. So I started preparing for 4 extra people. Buying food the kids would like, drinks and even having her name announced as my dads granddaughter and great grandchildren attending. That night I called her, she didn't answer, so I texted her to tell her what I had gotten for my grandchildren for breakfast. I never heard from her until the next day at 8:30 a.m.  She texted me to tell me her oldest child wanted to sleep in. So she wasn't going to come after all. I of course was hurt, disappointed as so many other times she has done this. When she realized that I was upset, she got very angry at me, saying her children come first and I should understand. This is an on going problem with us. She never cares about my feelings. She thinks I disrespect her, she thinks I am wrong to get upset. She has now, as usual, taken the grandchildren away from me. My husband and I can not babysit for them next weekend as planned.  I do so much for her and her family, and she continues to hurt me with her words. I am at my wiitts  end with her and don't know how to get our relationship back.

[Begonia]

Hi Pattyd:  That is a painful story and one that is all too familiar if you are reading other WW posts here.  I just want to welcome you and tell you that you will find great support here and that you are not alone in being mistreated by your AC.  There will be lots of others who will offer their advice and help, meanwhile, glad you found us and please keep posting.  And hats off to your dad and to you for honoring him.

[pam1]

Welcome pattyd

If you haven't already done so please read the Forum Agreement and WWU History (both threads are highlighted in pink at the top of the page) in the category Open Me First.  Nothing wrong with your post, we ask all new members to do so.

I'm glad you found us, I think you'll find a lot of support here.  We have many members in similar situations.

IMO, her actions were very rude.  I'm not sure that I would be personally willing to offer her hospitality for a long time.

[Pen]

PattyD, welcome.

You love your GC and desperately want to see them and maintain a relationship, but you must go through your DD to do so. Rock, meet hard place. Unfortunately, there's a lot of that selfish, unreasonable behavior out there. All you can do is control your own reactions and hope your DD eventually calms down enough to realize the damage she's doing to her children by treating you this way. Keep reading and posting, this is a good, supportive site.

[Kate123]

Patty, what your daughter did was inconsiderate, but not uncommon as you will find here. I agree with Pen, if you want to see the GC then you have to work it out. Ask her how she would feel if the tables were turned and someone did that to her. I'm sure she would not have been happy about it either.

[cpr]

I'm so sorry for your pain.  What she did was horrible not only to you, but also to her Grandfather.  I've been there with my sister.  She would hold her children from everyone unless they did exactly as she wanted the second she wanted. She hurt me, my grandparents and most of all her children.  But when it came down to it, she was their mother and there wasn't anything we could do about it.

If you want to see the children you have to find a way to deal with her.

In the meantime protect yourself.  Find snacks and foods for the kids that will keep.  Start snacking on the fruits that you know they like so that they are always in your house.  That way you aren't making special trips planning for their visits.  When you plan something thinking that they are coming over do some research and make a back up plan.  So if you are planning on taking them to a movie look and see what other movies are playing about the same time.  Then if they don't show you have something to do to distract you.

[colleen01]

Wow, I can relate and I can't imaginge anyone having a more difficult daughter than my oldest (33).  I'm going thru this threat right now, about the GK.  She says I can never see them again, not just a week-end.  Anyway, they're in control, right or wrong, so depending on how stubborn she is I say you have to kiss her butt.  It is what it is, that' what I have to do, sorry to say, sometimes that's not even enough for her!

[Sassy]

The only way she talks to me is thru texting. That is how I find out anything i need or want to know about her or my grandchildren. Or on Facebook. We have had many fights over this, and she tells me its the way she contacts everyone because she is so busy.

I believe your DD.   I've shared this New York Times story "Don't call me, I won't call you" about the death of phone calls, on this site before.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/03/20/fashion/20Cultural.html?pagewanted=all

It appears many fights with DD could be avoided, if the type of communication she's willing to engage in was accepted, rather than fought over.   Having many fights with someone, over what basically amounts to a battle of wills, will tear down any relationship.  I've learned that pushing or arguing with someone for more than they want to give us, rarely gets us the result we want.  When we accept their limits as being theirs to set, we show them our respect through our actions.  That sense of respect gives us something solid to build on.  Eventually, we may have more of the type of relationship we want.

I don't like what DD pulled on Veteran's Day.  I don't know if she has a habit of cancelling last minute?  I wonder if it had to do with the phone call.  If it came soon after one of the many fights about her preference for texting, maybe she thought it was meant to make a point she did not appreciate.


 

[justanoldgrandma]

I typed the below reply before I read the one right above.  So we are crossing the line if we ask for more than the dd wants?  She wants to text so a phone call upsets her?  Arguing is counterproductive, I know.  But this battle of wills seems more on dd's side.  But you have to do what you have to do to keep contact w dd and gc.  ( I haven't read the article; I will; it probably explains this type of "rebellion."

I'm the one complaining that dh and I aren't important to ds bc dil's so devoted to her FOO!   (Guess that's a different subject!)  Ok, so my dil is rude!  That's more on the subject.  Rude in a different way than your daughter, but both break our hearts.

Most women I know have close contacts with their daughters, chat with them, may have blow-ups but they usually are short-lived,  are more trusting with the gc than w MIL, (one poster said she would let her mother do her laundry but not her mil.....) I guess that's normal; mother has done her laundry for years and mil has only done son's....... but as a mil I ask how and if and so on a lot more than I would if it were my daughter.

But..... then I read of unreasonable daughters and I see that it works both ways.  One of my IL's daughters doesn't come to her mom/dad's for holidays bc her dh's mother and grandmother have multiple dinners and the son's mother is the controller there; I have that problem with our son's wife's FOO having all the access;  I don't get the texts or phone calls or emails unless it's "business" meaning an upcoming visit, presents, etc......

But....again I'm sorry your daughter is being so stand-offish and really?  texts only?!  And to not show up at an event with such an excuse......

So.... we mothers of daughters and sons both have our crosses; and it sounds like you have to be careful so as to not lose contact w gc, same as I....

Sending my best.

[justanoldgrandma]

Okay, NOW I've read the article!  Basically, it says we all are too busy to talk to the person and must text or email.  My sons rarely answer the phone (we never call when they are at work) and dil never does; but usually sons will call back and dil will email back (we always leave a message on vmail so they know why we're calling and can email/IM the answer.....)

In fact, we usually try not to call or even text bc we don't want to be the needy ones; it's nearly always a question needing to be answered for why we call.  I can IM on my phone and it'll reach them right away so they don't have to open the email. 

How I miss the days when the boys were in college and we'd get nice long emails about their doings!  (They didn't have cell phones and it would be long distance, so emails were free.)  I even have saved them!  They were sweet notes, remind me of the old written letters (whenever I send a card with a short note/letter, I even get a letter back saying how amazed they are to get a letter!  And how pleased!  Especially the people who don't do email or the smart phones.

i'm off the subject here.  yes, the kids are short on time but there is time to do what they really, really want to do.... and I know when my dh talks with his sibling and they laugh and chat, dh is in such a good mood; I encourage it all I can.

But, yeah, your dd was rude and I hope it gets solved soon. 

[Sassy]

So we are crossing the line if we ask for more than the dd wants?  She wants to text so a phone call upsets her?  Arguing is counterproductive, I know.  But this battle of wills seems more on dd's side.  But you have to do what you have to do to keep contact w dd and gc.

I don't think asking for more than someone wants to give is crossing the line.  No problem in asking once in while.  I agree that arguing if the answer is no is counterproductive.  I expect it will also be counterproductive if the no is wholesale ignored, and instead treated as a yes anyway.  Apparently, many fights came from this DD not having her communication limits respected.

I actually think this is true in any adult relationship.  People set limits.  People do tend pull away when those limits are repeatedly crossed by someone else who wants more.    When their limits are not being respected, it doesn't feel comfortable anymore.  It's draining.  There's going to be problems.  In romance, if a woman wants more from a man than he wants to give and she keeps pushing for more time and public events together.  Or if a man wants more physical intimacy than a woman is ready to give.  At work, if an employee repeatedly pushes for a promotion or raise the supervisor isn't ready to give.  Or if a supervisor pushes for more weekend hours than they employee is willing to give.   In friendship, if a friend would like to see another friend more and doesn't accept "Sorry, not this time".  Or if one friend prefers text and the other friends argues with her because they prefer phone calls, it probably isn't going to have a good outcome for either of them. 

Attempts as pushing the person who has relationship limits, past their limits, is ultimately going to be damaging to the relationship.  PattyD mentioned

I am at my wiitts  end with her and don't know how to get our relationship back.

That is why I offer this suggestion to accept her DD's limits.

[Sassy]

But this battle of wills seems more on dd's side.

I was thinking about this and how to explain how I see it differently.  Because of the concept of one person wanting more from the other person, than the other person wants to give.

This might be a crude analogy.  For simplicity, let's say that our "money" represents the efforts of our time and energy (and also perhaps our luck, heritage, etc.).  Let's say a grown daughter asks her mother for money sometimes.  The mother gives it, out of love and because it makes her daughter happy.  The daughter keeps asking for more.  Sometimes the mother starts saying no.   The mother wants the results of her own time and energy for other things.   Such as parenting the young children she still has at home.  The grown daughter argues when her mother says no. 

They have the exact same fight, many times.  Is battle of wills, more on the mother's side, because the mother will not give more when asked for it?

If the daughter came to us and asked how to have a better relationship and stop fighting with her mother, I know the first suggestion I'd offer to her, too, is to accept your mother's limits.

[Keys Girl]

I do so much for her and her family, and she continues to hurt me with her words.

PattyD, My suggestion is to do a lot less for her and her family.  Change the pattern.  Change the input to change the output. 

You have 3 children, why not spend more time with the other two and friends? I don't have a suggestion about her taking your access to the grandchildren away, except to offer to babysit other children. 

If your daughter deals with everyone via text message because she is so busy, you do have to choice to not read the texts. Deal with whoever you want to in the "real" word, the cyber world, texting, Facebook etc. etc. can be an easy way to put up barriers and keep people at a distance.  Let her text her hurtful words to someone else.  You don't have to accept the hurt that she's offering you.

Have a relationship with the people who actually want to speak to you.

If you are always at odds, that takes up a lot of energy, I sure would be tired of someone only dealing with me via texts.   

Your daughter appears to be telling you how the relationship will be conducted.  On her terms.  It's her way or she will resort to threats.  Sadly, it's a similar story for many people here, whether or not you choose to accept her terms is up to you. 

You can't get a previous relationship back, people evolve over time and family members don't always evolve in the same direction or at the same time.  Don't worry, you'll make it through, times like this can be enough to get you panicky. 

[colleen01]

Patty, I can tell you 3 out of my 4 AC only respond to texts if even that.  That's what they do, and I do agree that the AC are dictating the terms to the parents. It really should be both parties are getting something they prefer. It seems us parents are for the most part on the powerless side.  We want them, AC,GK, more than they want us it seems.  I so much prefer phone calls, as I can do things as I talk.  I take the crumbs is how I feel as truly my AC and GK, family, are my whole life.  Right or wrong.  Sassy-there's a book called "dance of intimacy" about the pursuer vs. distancer in relationships.  The more you pursue, the more they back away.  Limits are important I'm learning.  My oldest didn't want the Xmas outfits I bought, I brought them anyway last Fri, now she's flipped and doesn't want me to see the GK.  I didn't respect her wishes(guess it doesn't matter she never respects me at all, she belittles me). But, she has my 3 DGC, and I have to kiss butt.

[Sassy]

Thank you for the book recommendation, The Dance of Intimacy.  I would love to read more about that.  I've seen The Dance of Anger recommended before.  I imagine they would probably go well together.

I see how it can seem the person with the limits is "dictating" the terms of the relationship, by having limits.    I guess it comes to that.  But a person's limit is their limit.  Trying to "dictate" to someone else that they must drop their own limits to suit us, doesn't work either.  There's simply nothing we can do about what's wholly someone else's to have or change.  That's what I think is so helpful to accept.  All we can change is ourselves.   

Pushing someone past their limit does make them feel disrespected, and it does create conflict.  If we change what we do (the only power any of us actually have), then I think that's our best shot at avoiding the conflict that comes from pushing their limits.  We do have the power to reduce conflict about that!  We should use our power!  Avoiding the conflict about someone else's limits seems that's the best chance we can give the relationship, itself, to improve.  Which is what I think we all want - improved relationships!  Even when we don't get to be the ones to dictate what everyone else's limits should be.

PattyD (are you still with us, Patty?) daughter said it's how she communicates with everyone.  I really do believe her.  It's not a limit just for her mom. Hopefully that can provide some comfort.  It is what it is.