Money, Money, Money

[elizabeth]

I refered to the end times because it reminds me of   'brother against brother, sister in law against sister in law' etc. Isnt that how the good book puts it?

Truly, I didnt in any way mean to be in flammatory, just to express my own opinions and share my experiences, I apologize and I am truly sorry if I was inflammatory toward anyone here. It wasnt aimed at any individual, but to state my general sense that disinheriting a child is wrong.


I feel that it is odd that so many people talk about disinheriting their children, and well, that is what I'm reading in this thread and on this site too, that many people are doing that.

It happened to me and I was the one who left my AC's and grandchildren, my furniture, books, friends and a life I had built for 28 years to move back from another country to look after ill and aging family.

Yet my brothers inherited everything when my Dad died. In his last few months my brothers, Mom and sisters in law began to gossip and tell tales that my DH ( my second marraige) and I were rude to them. On that information he disowned and disinhrited me.

My DH slept on piece of foam rubber on the floor of my granddad's bedroom for months when we looked after my Maternal grandfather so that he wouldnt fall at night getting up to use the PortPotty. Dh left his own business in Canada so we could move back near my family to be on hand as my grandpa and dad were both needing care and my Mom was overwhelmed. I knew that my granddad was not in any position to give me anything as he had senile dimentia and rarely recognized me or knew who I was! I did assume, wrongly that when and my parents died (I didnt think that was for years and years to come) that I would just get a third. 'Earning it' wasnt on my mind, nor did I think they "owed" it to us, I would have been happy of they had spent it on themselves before they went.


 I dont do drugs, smoke, drink or party. I'm not one bit crazy, as they tried to make it seem that I
was to my Dad, and when I asked him what I had done to offend him a few months before he died, he said my mother and brother and sister inlaw told him that my DH and I had been mean to them. I was concerned for his health at the time, he was in hospital and so didnt stick up for myself. I thought it would blow over, but they all made sure he died thinking badly of DH and I.

They have never contacted me to discuss it and seem to care less what ever became of me.
As a disinheritance is a complete legal rejection, I have felt no responsibility to contact them, my Dad basically infered that I was not wanted around anymore, saying I had wrecked the whole family. Its weird because in their old age they both had taken their fists and beaten on me, my mother on my back, when I was sitting down, and mydad on my chest. I was shocked and they didnt even apologize. My mother did that becaus she said she found a half of an orange in the trash that I hadnt eaten. I told her they were just too sour to eat. She didnt apologize, she laughed it off. A friend of mine in the psych field wondered if she had Alzimers, but after 10 years she is still well as I can see from her face book page, so that wasnt her problem! I'm happy for her she is healthy and well, I pray for her in morning prayers.

My Dad and I disagreed on a philosophical point, his reaction was to try to hit me, I was able to move out of the way, thank God, so as not to get hit. This made me feel so awful that they would want to use their fists against me, after all I was in such deep grief at the time, over my daughter. I am not a violent person so it never crossed my mind to retaliate in kind.

This disinheritwnce has brought me more deep pain than anything that has happened in my life, and there have been so many other hard things to face, like the murder of one of my dear daughters only a few years before I was disinherited.

Please consider what you are saying to your child by disinheriting them, its not about what is 'owed' or the amount of money. What hurts is that it is the last word, the lasting thing you leave in their hearts and minds about how you felt about them because the pain of that disinheritance supersedes signs of love you gave them before.

[Pen]

Liz, you did not deserve to be treated so poorly. (((hugs)))

[Pooh]

It is horrible to be treated that way but it wasn't them treating you that way, it was the situation that caused it.  Maybe beyond their mental state at the time and the fault also lies with your siblings and SIL for the lies.  I think it is the situations that will determine each family's decision.  I personally, if my DB was doing 90% of everything and then my parents left 90% of everything to him, would understand and not bat an eye (like Pam's situation).  I also will do what I want with my parents because I want to, their inheritances mean nothing to me.  I know they love me and if they get to a place where dementia or mental states cause them to forget, I will still remember and not hold it against them for something they can't control.

Yes, it will be painful and terrible if it happens, as my DH watched his Father die from Alzheimers, and it was so painful on him to have the man that had always loved him and be good to him, fight him when he had to chase him through the parking lot.  He didn't feel very loved by him for those last couple of years, but he knew it really wasn't him.

I am very sorry elizabeth that you were treated that way and I know it was painful, hurtful and sad. 

[pam1]

Elizabeth, how painful, I'm sorry that happened to you.

[Kate123]

Liz, it sounds like you had an awful few years then and I am very sorry that your father did not include you in the will, it was wrong of him. I don't think a will should be changed over one or two incidents or an argument. Especially true when the person is having problems that might affect their competency. I have seen several times wills changed as the vultures circle around and influence an elderly person to make changes to benefit themselves. I think my siblings tried that with my Mom but it was too late, she had already made decisions that could not be undone.

I think a will, or whatever method to pass along what you have, should be done while you are healthy and should consider your lifetime relationships. Everybody makes a few mistakes and has a few disagreements and that should not be held against them because that is normal in families. If you were my child I would have given you more then the others for all of the help you provided and the sacrifices you made. So sorry.

[Begonia]

Ohmygoodness.  I have just read through this thread.  Ohmygoodness.  Did I already say that?  There must be a way that is not so hurtful.  Have any of you worked with an estate planner?  I know Suze Orman has a whole deal you can download on her website.  It's all so complicated. 

When my mother passed 5 years ago she had put all of her assets into CDs with joint names.  She always said then if she needed it it was there and if not it went to the person named.  I am the oldest DD and before she passed she wanted me to look at the CDs.  I was floored at how much she saved working in a hospital cafeteria (those women from the great depression knew how to save).  She said, I want to make sure it's even, and there is a little more for you because your sister borrowed ____$$ and so that's why.  She had put the house in our names too. The oldest GC got more, of course, since their CDs had been collecting interest longer.  Nobody ever said a peep about that.  My sister was in the same town as my mom and did most of the care.  I tried to get her to take more out of the checking account when mom passed because she deserved it, even though I was there as much as I could be (8 hours away). 

But what I saw in how my DD and DS handled their CDs set my teeth on edge. It was gone in a flash.  And I think the GC CDs burned a hole in DD and DS pockets too.  So that made me realize that money would be their devil if I died early and left them my retirement.  I made my sister the POA because I know she won't drizzle it away and I gave each child an equal amount and put the rest for school loans and tuition for GK. I paid my sister to be POA.  I typed it all out myself before I was headed out on a trip, took it to the bank and had my signature notarized.  Sealed it in an envelope to give to my sister and one copy here.  But later I read Suze Orman who said it is a nightmare if money is left to minors because it has to go through a whole bunch of expensive processes.  So now I have to rethink that part.  My mother's estate was so easy.  My stuff would be quite complicated for my sister to deal with.  I don't want that either, she doesn't need her life disrupted by figuring things out for me.  But, what else to do?

My good friend gave a living trust and she gave all her money to a non profit radio station but it doesn't go there until she is gone. Meanwhile, she gets all the interest.  She does not have children. 

My sister and I always told our mom that we didn't want anything, that she should spend her money when she was alive.  She had cancer for five years and was a trooper through it all.  We talked her into a very expensive apartment in a wonderful assisted living place. (Spend your money, mom!!!)   She had never had such brand new furniture and church right there and her meals.  She loved it there, even though she had to move from her home of 45 years. As for my sister and I, each fall we get interest checks from the CDs she left us.  I just haven't ever been able to touch that money. 

Thank you for all of your great insights....ohmygoodness, the problems money can cause.  So glad I am spending when I can!!

[elizabeth]

Wow Begonia, that is so nice, what you all did for your Mom.

 Its uplifting to read that you and your family are able to solve these problems and be fair to each other. Thank you very much for writting about yourself,  so hopeful.

[Keys Girl]

Elizabeth, I've never thought of your posts as inflammatory, I quite enjoy them. Thank you for your insight and I hope you don't ever have to endure this type of pain again.

KG

[luise.volta]

One of the things we learn here is that many of our experiences are similar and just as many are dissimilar. Emotions often come up when we share, of course they do. And feeling strongly is not imflammatory…it is feeling strongly. "My way or the highway" is what we do our best to avoid since we see so often that what works for one of us, doesn't work at all for others of us.

My dad lived with me starting when he was my age…84. My sisters didn't want him to live with them and I was thrilled that he came to me…(and to my wonderful then-husband.) My sisters were very grateful regarding how that all worked out and when he gave me a small, monetary gift before his death, they rejoiced that he was so generous with me. Some of us just luck out. They didn't think I had "earned" it, they thought it was a lovely thing for him to do.