Money, Money, Money

[Kate123]

Does anyone here think that money or the lack of it affects the relationship with your DD/DS? I feel that if I had money the relationships would be different. My X spends a lot of money- gifts, trips, dining out, on and on, and it really works for him as far as I can see. Is this generation X really all about money or am I seeing things wrongly?

[pam1]

Kate, I'm not sure.  My in laws money affects our relationship with them negatively.  So I suppose it's up to personality, neither DH nor I are the type to be bought off.  For some of DHs siblings it works. 

So not so sure if it is much of a generational thing or a personality thing, leaning more towards personality. 

[Doe]

My take is it's just how a person was raised.   

When DS and DIL got engaged, suddenly we started getting requests for money, gifts, etc from DIL.  They would come in together but when the presentation started, she would edge up in front and deliver the pitch. 

My DSs like the gifts and money we offer but they don't ask for them.

[Doe]

Oh, and fwiw, I don't think parents should lend their kids money.  If they are going to transfer $$ to them, then just give it.  Owing money to a parent can really affect the relationship, imo.

(I finally watched an episode of Monsters in Law and saw that one where the son and DIL owed the Mom money and weren't doing anything to pay it back.  Ugh!)

[Kate123]

If it's personality then I guess I'm screwed as they say. I am who I am and do what I can do.
 
For gifts I usually give money because my GC already have so much stuff it'unbelievable, so I give money for college, and maybe a little outfit to wear. It's hard because you never know what anyone will really like.

As for lending money, I probably would, if I could, if my children asked. I know Suze Orman says never lend money but it's hard to say no to someone in need. Last week I co-signed a $20,000 loan for my friend. I know it was probly not the right thing to do, but to me it seemed like the right thing.

[Pen]

You've read my laments on the issue ad nauseum. It's definitely affected us negatively. I'm glad not all young people are swayed by money and extravagance...there is a good group out there, but unfortunately they aren't "sexy" enough for the evening news.

If we give to friends or family in need, it's a gift that we insist is never spoken of again. We've never asked for anything back from DS/DIL. If we can't do it, we don't do it.

[luise.volta]

I don't know anyone who has money and I don't have any either. It works great! Sending love...

[Sheen]

Hi

I definately think money can hurt a relationship between parent and child, especially if it is given with the expectation of it being returned.  In my case, I always gave money without any expectation of it being returned until one day I was approached for a loan that I didn't want to do but was told it would definately be paid back.   It was the begining of a very rough time with my son and actually was the initial cause of his decision to cut off all ties.  It was not that I demanded  he pay back a specific amount just that he made some attempt even if it was a small amount to pay back the loan and keep his promise. . That never happened and when the bank closed, he decided that it was not a relationship that he needed in his life.  Years later I even wrote him and told him that we would wipe the slate clean and erase the loan but by then damage had been done to the relationship and it never recovered.

I also saw that program and all the way thru it, I kept thinking how can the son in law not even offer five dollars when he owed her so much money.  Unbelievable.  . Hindsight is 20-20 as they say and if I had it to do all over again, I would never of agreed to that loan.

[lancaster lady]

I hardly saw my DS and F/DIL , GD , before the wedding .
Suddenly I am THE most popular Mom on the planet ! Followed by a request for money for the wedding !
Wedding over and they have moved out ......watch this space !
Cupboard love ...perhaps , I hope not .

[FAFE]

Odly, our OS who nevers pays back or mentions money owed has no problem what so over keeping a relationship open - on his terms doncha' know.  But, the Bank of Mom & Dad has closed.  When he whines about money, I just advise him to go to his credit union.  DIL's Bank of Mom & Dad is still apparently open as they financed a $500 dog a year or so ago.  Our money is going toward making us happy.  We will be on our 2nd cruise this year and Friday cannot get here soon enough.  The other 2 kids have borrowed money and have paid it back (or offered to), but that's been quite a while since we've been there.  We freely gave money to help with the adoption last year, but it was money I had earned all by myself and had put aside for this purpose.  Had we not offered, they would have not ever ask to borrow.  And, it probably does add up to  hat OS has borrowered throughout the years and what we paid in other compensation to lawyers, etc. for MS during his wild period of life.

Guilt no longer lives here. 

[elsieshaye]

DS has been so blatantly disrespectful and grabby, and so obviously disinclined to help himself out, that he made it very easy to cut off the money flow.  I'm helping him by keeping him on my health insurance, and by maintaining a very basic, pay-as-you-go cell phone for him, but I will not hand him actual money, and I am not willing to help him out in ways that might impact my credit, like co-signing, etc.  I just don't trust him.

[Pen]

What wise women we are! It's so difficult to see our AC in need, but in the long run it does them no favors to allow them to treat us as cash machines that carry no consequences. Even my DDD needs to know that, and we struggle daily.

[FAFE]

Pen, is it really in Need or in Want?  I think most of us would truly help out if it was in need.  Going hungry, etc., but I'm not going to supply all their wants. 

[luise.volta]

In need, in want…or still in childhood"

[Kate123]

Another question- I need to make a will in case I go before the nursing home gets my house. I can't decide if I should divide the proceeds equally or not. My DS is much better off then my DD so I don't know if I should take that into consideration. It is my belief that money should go to the next generation (not the grandchildren) unless there is a really good reason not to do so.