A Question to MILs

[Begonia]

On the guilt topic:  I grew up with it too and tend to take on all kinds of problems in my family...but not so much at work, I can draw a boundary there pretty easily.  So here is one for ya:  I have been agitated over not going to visit family over Thanksgiving.  Just don't want to go, gut says so.  Have no excuse so what do I say?  Today my kitty got sick and is on medication so I really can't go.  Now I feel guilty about THAT!  Omg, I do have to laugh at myself   I guess the universe watches out for us~~~~~

[justanoldgrandma]

Hey, Begonia, sounds like you have a good out there!  You have to take care of your kitty and you don't have to confront family and tell them why you don't want to go (I don't know your history, been off for a while); but you don't owe any explanation, I imagine, so skip the agony and don't feel guilty!
I'm the Queen of Guilty Feelings and even I wouldn't feel guilty about telling them you must miss the Tormenting Dinner!

[luise.volta]

Thanksgiving - OK, I am going away for the first time in many years because Val has gotten to where he has no sense of time. When i was so sick in Sept./Oct. , he never realised I wasn't coming to see him every day. Also, last winter when the nursing home here on campus was quarantined, I worried like crazy but when I was able to get back in, the same thing happened…he didn't know I'd been gone.   

So - with much encouragement from our doctor and my 'family(and with some fear and trepidation on my part) I am venturing forth for a whole week over Thanksgiving. My sort of daughter ((she is one of Kirk's "exes"…is that cool or what?) lives on the other side of the Cascade Mountain Range and is just completing a 1 1/2 year remodel and addition to her house. She designed it with a room in it for me that I have never seen and has had my bedroom furniture in storage over there for that long. (I now live in a studio.) The whole project is being signed-off this week by the building permit folk (bow your heads and let us pray) and we are all converging there for Thanksgiving. I am taking a little hostess gift from Figis and my appetite…and they all swear I am going to be waited on like a goddess. LOL! I am even being driven over and back. I will be here at WWU, though, because Kirk got me a Mac Notebook before he left for Kauai that I am to leave over there. (All I have to do is learn to use it!)

In my family we never let go of "exes", the family just gets larger. When we have a summer "do", my 'ex" and his wife (the other woman and my good friend) are there as well as Kirk's "ex" plus her "since-ex." My deceased son's "ex" is always there with her new guy. She is the sister of one of my "exes". (I have many.) Do you get all of that? There's going to be a test. "All In The Family" takes on a whole new dimension…doesn't it?

[PatiencePlease]

Just my two cents .....

In my husband's family, they don't let go of the ex's either.     It's actually kind of neat to see that many years post-divorce my MIL is just as  close to her ex's (my FIL's) family.  My MIL is a very cool lady -- I often thank her for bringing my H into the world -- I wish more women would remember that simple fact when they speak negatively about their MIL's.... their husbands wouldn't exist without her.

Anyway, getting back to grandparents and babysitting......   I'm not there yet, but when and if that time comes into my life, I will babysit because I will be delighted to do so -- not because it's my obligation -- because, quite frankly it's not my job. 

I didn't have the luxury of available grandparents to help me out with the kids.  My appointments were scheduled on weekends so my husband could watch the kids.  And we didn't have enough money to go out for dinner and such, so babysitters weren't necessary.  We used to treat Friday nights as our "date night."  The babies went to bed by 7:30 and hubby and I would enjoy a quiet candlelit dinner in our tiny dining room.  It was cheap and very effective. Sorry...... drifting off topic here.  My point is that I never resented the fact that my parents or my husband's parents were not available to babysit.  I don't anticipate that someday my kids will resent me when I have to tell them "no." 

I've seen friends of mine burn out from allowing themselves to be burdened with babysitting.  Their own priorities are pushed to the back burner to accommodate their adult children's whims.  Sometimes I bite my tongue -- other times I gently suggest to my friends that they need to start thinking about themselves.  Sometimes our adult children need to be reminded they are adults.   If we as parents don't remind them of this fact, who will?

[PatiencePlease]

Oops!  I just realized the question was asked of MILs and I'm not one yet......   

Also, Luise, enjoy a most wonderful trip.    (and thanks for creating this wonderful place)

[luise.volta]

Nice to hear about your "exes" being included and loved, too! And you can respond to any topic…it's a forum…"no experience necessary." :-)

[justanoldgrandma]

Luise said, "Whenever I see myself as an individual and see a situation where that is an inconvenience to someone else…I smile and get that my identity isn't being a convenience."

Wow!  I was taught to be seen and not heard, never argue with authority figures, not be a burden, not to spend unnecessarily, work hard, put others first.  I don't know how many people have told me to put myself first except for a counselor.  And to be reminded that what I do or say may be an inconvenience to others, but that's just fine because my identity is warranted even if it's inconvenient to others at times; thanks, Luise!

[luise.volta]

Yup, you're just fine exactly the way you are…without apology, explanation or change. So is the other person. No one is here to meet another person's expectations unless it matches their own.

[PatiencePlease]

I also keep this in mind:  Before you can take care of someone else, you have to take care of yourself.

[Pooh]

I have decided Luise should have her own TV show.

[sesamejane]

 

I agree Pooh!


 

[lancaster lady]

she's already a star .......

[luise.volta]

[JudyJudyJudy]

I might be wrong about your problem, but it seems to me that you are being manipulated because you are afraid to say no.  Let me tell you from a lesson I learned in the school of hard knocks, if you are being manipulated, you must plan a strategy to deal with this before things get out of hand because once tempers start to flare, people cut off communication.

I actually like your idea of moving.  Hopefully, it is out of the way and not so convenient for them.  Also, it might also be a good idea to hide your free time.  I don't see any reason to tell your children everything you do and when you are free to do what they want you to do.  Also, I learned that the selfish people always get their way but when you need something, well usually they are too selfish to help out.

Honestly, if I were in your situation I would talk to a counselor about learning how to set appropriate boundaries without making anyone angry.

Good luck! 

[phillek]

I love this!  I am made to feel like a monster because I don't want my MIL (or anyone else, really) to babysit my children, especially when they are babies and young toddlers.  I prefer to spend time together as one big happy family (including MIL), but MIL thinks I am being selfish by not giving her adequate alone time with GC and getting out of her way.  If she had her wish, I would jump off a bridge, signing my kids over to her on the way down.

Maybe your DIL and I can trade MILs???