Re: The Talk

[pam1]

I split this topic, thanks for pointing it out the drift Doe.  Although I will say the OP in the previous thread did express appreciation for the many thoughts of the conversation. 

This is a "take what you want and leave the rest" forum.  As long as the Forum Agreement is being adhered to topics can be discussed, especially when they are specifically brought up.  That is what WWU is for.  If the conversation is not to your liking, please move on.  If you feel it violates the Forum Agreement please use the report button to alert the mods.

It is unfair to bring a topic up and then try to control the responses/opinions of fellow posters when they disagree with you.   From my understanding Luise never intended to create WWU as a one sided, vent away forum.  There are many, many places out there like that and it's not hard to find one.  But it's hard to find a place like here. It is a place to explore difference in opinions and experiences and as Luise, I and other mods have received numerous thanks in emails/on the board (Luise especially) I'd say Luise's vision and approach are working for some.

For some it will not work, but the policies and overall vision of the board are not changing for a select few. 

As a disclaimer, this post is not directed to any one poster in particular but to the board as a whole.  We've had a few similar incidents lately.  So please, again use your report button if you feel something violates the Forum Agreement.  Skip a thread if it is not to your liking b/c there are those who will find a lot of information and enlightenment from what another might find uncomfortable.

[jdtm]

I'm thinking I should have planned more family activities that included DS & DIL. I should have filled up a more equal amount of time on their calendar & in their memory banks.

Pen - I tried this.  So, instead of our DS and now ex-DIL (plus the children) spending more time with us, they came up with excuses to spend less time with us.  Our ex-DIL felt we were "interfering".  One year the only time I asked them to a family event was Christmas (I was open to any day or afternoon or evening in the entire month).  That year they spent a week with the IL's - and they live less than 20 miles away.  But, our DS did object a bit - and they stopped in for a few minutes on Christmas Day while en route to the IL's - (probably the grandchildren wanted their gifts).  I cried for weeks over this one.  I really believe when you are wanted "out" of the family, you will be - if not physically, then mentally.  But, as I stated earlier, our DIL is now our ex-DIL.  As Dr. Phil says - if you treat some one badly, it will come back to bite you in the "end" (and I suspect there is a double meaning to "end").


In a previous posting I mentioned this process has been going on for generations - it definitely is in my husband's side of the family (they just do not interact with the maternal side and it has been occurring for generations).  But, as children and young adults, we might "see" it but not really "get" it.  The only solution I see is to "just get on with your life" and "count your blessing while doing it".

[pam1]

jdtm, that is so sad.  I know logically why some people make their choices but my heart still says why?  Why turn down love and caring?  But you did try with them and that counts for a lot in my books. 

[alohomora]

Alienation of family is what brought me to these boards. When DH and I decided to start a family, I realized our troubled history with my IL's may get worse as we had kids, and I really would like to try and prevent that. Sometimes I talk to MIL and I get so angry. I think I'm able to handle her comments that I don't like because they're directed at me. But I know when it comes to my kids I'll have zero tolerance.

My wake up call was seeing my dad interact with my nephew. My BIL was at the house, (sisters husband) and my dad jokingly called my nephew a 'wimp.' BIL grimaced and rolled his eyes but didn't say anything. Everyone else in the room laughed (nephew was too little to understand) at a typical comment - joking comment - from my Dad. We're all used to his way of talking.

I thought to myself - if my Dad says that to my kid, I'd roll my eyes and explain to my child that grandpa's teasing and ignore him (or tease him back - that's how things work in my family's culture - a lot of teasing). But how would I react if FIL or MIL said the same thing to my kid? I knew right away. I would go nuts. Probably cut them off. But my dad would get only an eye roll.

When I realized what a massive double standard that was I started wondering why. Our history played a huge role - MIL has said a lot of things over the years to intentionally be mean - while my father has never said something insulting to my DH.

But when I started talking to MIL again after our three year cut off, I was determined to at least attempt a fresh start. Part of that was coming to forums like this, talking to MIL and reading their stories, trying to get their POV. I don't always agree, and sometimes no matter how hard I try I just don't understand 'the other side' of the  argument. But I want my kids to have a good relationship with their grandparents, and I want them to see US having a good relationship with them, so I'll keep trying.

[tryingmybest]

Shelby, I get where you are coming from completely. Please let me know if I'm close. You take your DIL's reaction as a clear sign that DH's family has no importance in her life, none of you matter to her, while you have probably struggled since DS married her to accommodate HER needs. You're angry and I don't blame you one bit. I would quite frankly at this point hear her and act accordingly.

[tryingmybest]

I would however NOT complain to DS. putting him in the middle is never the way to go. Just realize you will never get anything from your DIL and stop expecting it. She is not worth the energy. Continue to be loving and supportive to DS. I really think some DIL's promote conflicts in order to force men to choose between them and their FOO, don't fall into the trap. 

[forever spring]

But when I started talking to MIL again after our three year cut off, I was determined to at least attempt a fresh start. Part of that was coming to forums like this, talking to MIL and reading their stories, trying to get their POV. I don't always agree, and sometimes no matter how hard I try I just don't understand 'the other side' of the  argument. But I want my kids to have a good relationship with their grandparents, and I want them to see US having a good relationship with them, so I'll keep trying.

Good on you alohomora, peacemaker!

[Rejected]

@Shelby -  I'm sure there is some miscommunication somewhere.
You said:
"yes DS did acknowledge GM passing.  When we were with GF, DS called DH's cell # so he could speak with him (no phone in nursing home room).  Plus DS was very good about visiting GF before he moved across the country."

I'm sure this message was from the both of them, as I'm positive that your DIL is uncomfortable around your family, hence her "chilly-ness" so I'm betting 99% of the communication is through your DS.

When my grandpa passed away my MIL showed up to the viewing and I was furious. She had only met him once and she and I both knew/know we don't like each other. How could she spend the last 1 1/2 years talking crap about me to my own DH(her DS) and then show up to support me at my grandpa's funeral?? That's not gonna fly. I personally think she showed up to display to everyone else what a caring MIL she is, which just showed me how low she'll stoop. It was definitely awkward and we both knew it, which is why I'm sure she didn't show up to my grandma's viewing 6 weeks later. She had no business being there. She didn't know him at all & she was not related to him.

I'm sure she is giving her DH comfort and empathy which is why he doesn't have a problem with her behavior. She's giving her DH support and that's all that should matter. She's showing her respects by helping her DH grieve. I'm also sure that through your DIL's eyes there will be no elephant in the room. This is something that you are going to have to work through yourself. You are letting your DIL consume your thoughts and she doesn't even know it.

[RedRose]

Just a note here...many people over the past couple of years have come here to this forum and just vented. I see nothing wrong with that. This is still a one of a kind forum..venting included.

Shelby was looking for agreement from her point of view.I don't think she was looking for a another one. I don't believe she was trying to control the responses she received. I don't believe she was looking to change anyones mind just validating about how she feels.
I personally agree with her.

Just my opinion.

[Doe]

I agree RR - I hope we haven't lost her for good!

[RedRose]

Me either Doe, I appreciated her posts so much.

Sometimes..I think we must look at what we post and think about how a person might feel about a response.

[Begonia]

Shelby: I read through the posts about this and my initial thought was that nothing is going to bring back those dear ones who have passed.  I can relate to what you say because of a similar situation with my DS and his own GM. 

It seems like there has been a lot of loss for you and now this (6 year) conflict and the absence of a card from DS and DIL put the frosting on the cake.  These are such complicated issues when they involve love, loss and so many family dynamics.  It sounds like your DS loved your GP and respected them.  I would hold dear to that, maybe plan something with DS (and DIL if she chooses) where you could honor the GP with something special like ballons or a collection of photos with some stories attached for your DS.. You don't have to be together but could coordinate times.  Something to unite you instead of divide you.  I know my DS loved his GM so much but it is difficult for him to acknowledge feelings so he withdraws, and my DIL never does anything at all for me or for any of my family...she leaves that all to DS, who often is "forgetful." I have had to let go my expectations. My DIL is very thick with her family but would never think to send a card to any of us for any reason.  When I was married it was our unspoken rule that if cards were going to be sent I would have to be the one who did it and guilt always pushed me to comply.  My DS and DD do not have those same rules in their families which used to (and sometimes still does) cause me anxiety. But I have stopped signing their names to funeral flowers or cards (they are in their 40s, good grief!!)  .   Peace to you and your family...

[Kate123]

Shelby, You sound very upset over your DS/DIL but they are adults and responsible for their own behavior. You need not be embarrassed over anything they do or don't do because you have no control over them. I think your son is too old to have a talking to. It is hard letting go and letting them be who they are, especially when we think that they are wrong.




Love is what enables us to bridge the gap of disappointment when others don't live up to the expectations we have of them. - Abigail Van Buren