Good morning, ladies. I had the talk with my MIL. Mind you, this was the first time we had spoken since our huge blowout last February. It was not the easiest thing I had ever done, but it was completely necessary in order to have some peace back in my family. I'm not going to lie to you all about my feeling towards my MIL before this little chat that we had. I was really hurt and angry with her and I expected a heartfelt apology from her and if I didn't get it, I was not going to reconcile. An apology seems like such a little thing and most people have laughed at me because I was so "hung up" on getting one. Believe me when I tell you those two little words can really have a huge impact on the soul. Those words have the ability to soften even the hardest of hearts. To say you are sorry is to surrender to yourself and take back the things you said or did, even if you thought they were justifiable. This is my opinion, however and I know others may not view it the same way. I am happy to tell you that I did get an apology. Did it heal all wounds? No. I am still working on putting myself back together, but it was a start.
Getting this apology was not easy. Not because I had to squeeze it out of my MIL, but because I had to surrender my feelings on the matter and I had to own up to my part in this. When I answered the phone, I knew that I had to say that I was sorry before I said anything else (Yes, you read that right). Not because I instigated a fight with her, but because I reacted to her verbal attack in a way that did not fall in line with my own beliefs. When I struck back at her, I let myself down. I reacted in exactly the opposite way that I should have. How much different would that situation have been if I would have tried to diffuse it instead of escalate it? I have always taught my own children to be a better the person and walk away from a verbal attack and I didn't set a great example of this. (Side note: I think my applogy made it easier for her to say that she was sorry. It brought her defenses down.) So yes, an applogy was needed on my part, too.
After we said our apologies, MIL didn't want to talk about the matter any further and wanted to let it go. I explained to her that we have always swept things under the rug before and never spoke of them and that I wasn't going to allow that this time. We were going to put it all out on the table. I wanted to confront her on the things she said to me and I wanted to let her know, in a respectful manner, how those things made me think and feel about her and myself. Yes she apologized, but it is easy to say you are sorry when you don't actually have to confront and own up to what you did head on. Bringing the issues to light is necessary, in my opinion. However, I let her know that once we talked about what was said and done, that we would not bring it up again. We closed the issue and tied up all loose ends. It's over. That does not mean that there are not scars and hurt feelings; I am still licking my wounds. It just means that the healing can finally begin and that will take some time. I have no illusions about that. Our relationship is still badly torn and it will take a while to repair. And, infact, it may never be the same again. That is a very real consequence of family feuding. Wounds heal, but they leave scars as well. Scars can change you. I also explained to MIL that when you have children and there are challenges involved, you want your family to support you. Not tear you down. Family is the one resource that should always back you up. When that familial support is not there, is makes it harder to have a relationship with them. Nuff said.
Dh and I decided that we would deal with the boundary issues as the arrive. We are taking one step at a time and slow steps at that. I am still very guarded about MIL. I think that it is best to keep it casual for the time being. That may not be what she wants, but it is all I can offer. So, ladies, what are your thoughts on all of this?
