Undecided feelings need advice!

[autumnlady]

I have not really given an update on my situation in a long time.  My OS got married on 12/18/10, I had no communication with him 5 months prior to the wedding hoping that after the wedding things would settle down.  Unfortunately, I was so wrong.  On 12/22/10 my OS and DIL came into my home unannounced (he has a key) and asked to speak with me.  I was hoping this was the olive branch and that we could start fresh.  Instead they asked to speak with me in private away from my boyfriend and my YS was at work.  They started telling me that during the wedding I did all these terrible things..which I won't get into because they were so ridiculous I was in shock when they were telling me.  The only thing I will say is that when I was allowed to speak I said to my OS "why is it you believe everything 'her" family and "Mother" say and you don't believe me".  He said "they have never lied to me yet".  When I heard those words I felt as if the knife that was in my heart twisted and all the blood in my body poured out.  I was devastated...I stood up and told them "I was done" and to get the "hell out of my house" .  I know this was probably not the right way to handle it but after 5 years of walking on eggshells, begging, pleading and apolgiziing for things I didn't know I did just to keep the peace I was DONE!  I had to protect myself and I shutdown for the first time in my life.  I have not seen or heard from him since that day including Mother's Day which dealt me another blow.  My YS does speak with my OS but he only says that "he is not giving in this time, she (I) is going to have to apologize".  The funny part is that when my YS says what for, my OS does not have an answer.    So after much thought and reading everyone's stories on this site, I thought I would try one last effort.  BTW, they are expecting my first grandson next year.   I am thinking of writing a brief one page letter stating that we need to put the past in the past and try to rebuild our relationship but we will have to not drudge up the past because it only causes pain and anger on both sides  Life is too short and I would like to be a part of their life but we all need to respect one another for who we are and move forward.  We are family and that I love him and my DIL and my door is always open when they would like to talk that I am here.

The undecided part is I am still very hurt and angry at his behavior and treatment of me, there is so much that I don't have the time or energy to write it all down.  I allowed way too much disrepect from him over the last 5 years, I keep making excuses because I had divorced his dad and felt guilty.  Which I realize I should not feel guilty since his father abused me and the boys verbally and physically, it took me awhile to leave but my OS was 12 and my YS 6 years old when I finaly kicked him out.  We had such a close family the 3 of us, that I never expected this and the feeling of hurt is almost more than I can bear at times.  I also know they will probably think I am only contacting them now because of the baby and to be honest it does play a part but not the main part.  I have days I want to write this letter and days I don't..I still feel at times I was wronged but I know from this site that I can't hold on to that because it only causes more pain.  So I need some help does this sound like a good idea or not?  I really feel lost and would appreciate your thoughts...thank you.

[Pen]

Autumnlady, good to hear your voice again, but I'm sorry to hear that things are shaky. Regarding a letter, I'd wait - if you feel you need to write just to get it out of your system, be sure to hide or better yet destroy the evidence. When you send a letter or email your words can be twisted and used against you later. There's no way to take back anything since it's written down.

For now, take care of yourself physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually or any combo of those. When you feel strong and centered, perhaps a very short message that conveys your desire to move forward might do, but don't expect and immediate result. Does he have a birthday or other event coming up that would be an appropriate excuse to send a card?

I'm sure the WW here will have some better input..

[autumnlady]

Pen, thank you for your thoughts.  His birthday was 8 days after Mother's Day and for the first time since he was born I did not contact him in anyway I was too hurt by him at the time. 

His first wedding anniversary will be 12/18/11 so I could send him something then but my DIL is pretty bad and if she gets it first she will destroy it or show it to her Mother and he may never know I even sent something.  I would rather hand it directly to him.  I was going to drop it off at his work say Hi, hand it to him and leave.  Again, I don't know if this is a good idea either.  I know whatever I do seems to be taken wrong or misinterpreted. 

I know about words being twisted unfortunately "DIL" is a pro since she was taught by the best her mother.  You know the sad part is I was so looking forward to having a daughter to share women things with, but Never has she been warm or made me feel comfortable. 

[luise.volta]

A - My take is that is isn't you, so you can't fix it. I would leave it as it is. Any new relationship that doesn't dredge up the past is shot down before you start because you still have the same players.

Create a new life. You were whole before you took on being his mom and you can be whole again. You did your best and your job is done. Don't let the aberrations of others define and limit you. Senind love...

[autumnlady]

Thanks Luise you are right.  I need to live MY life and let him live his.  It's difficult at times, but I did my best and I need to move on to the next chapter of my life.  Thanks again!  I am so happy that you are back.  Keep improving sending hugs to you too!

[Pooh]

I agree AL.  Since you said half the time, you don't want to...then it's not time yet.  I am a firm believer that if your heart is not in it 100%, then you truly are not ready to let go of the past and have no expectations.  I think with the baby on the way, it may not be because of that that you are wanting to do this, but it will be perceived that way, just because of the timing.

Concentrate on yourself and your life.

[Lisa41]

Luise is right- until your DS wants a relationship with you, there is not much you can do. If you try to establish contact before he is ready, you will be right back into the pattern of walking on eggshells.
You have to show him you are strong and that you won't shrivel up and die if you don't hear from him. I have battled this for 20 years with my DD, so trust me I know!
Take care.

[alohomora]

I'm sorry for the estrangement of your son - I pray that things will improve in time.

I would suggest a couple things - I would not write that letter. DS and DIL came to you to talk about things that upset them - I have no idea what or how they said it so here's a huge assumption - they came to talk to you. They didn't send you an email or something that says you are out of their life and they want nothing to do with you.

I would apologize. A sincere apology for anything you did over the course of their wedding that caused them stress or hurt feelings.

I also wouldn't write that letter. Because they are searching for an apology - telling them to forget all about the past is not going to happen and will probably only make them angrier - and showing up on their one year wedding anniversary to tell them this?? BAD IDEA, please do not do that.

If you feel you've been mistreated, you can ask them to sit down and talk. Offer up your apology, and also I think its fair enough for you to mention grievances of your own.

[autumnlady]

Thank you everyone!  I agree that it is up to my DS to come to me when he is ready.  I need to stay focused on myself and move forward.  As you know some days are easier than others.  It's just hard when I do hear about my grandson from my YS that it does hurt at times.  I know that I apologized over the last 5 years and I am no longer going to keep apologizing for being me.  He will hopefully one day figure it out or he won't.  I am blessed to have another son who adores me.  That does not mean we don't have differences at times but we have a much better relationship and keep the communication open.

I can't thank everyone and this site enough for all the help, love, support and guidance.  I will not be writing a letter at this time, but will instead give my troubles to God and work on myself.

Sending hugs to all! 

[herbalescapes]

Difficult situation.  Unfortunately none of us has a crystal ball to know what the results of our actions will be.  If you do try to reach out, you need to be able to let go of the past as much as you want them to. No matter how ridiculous their complaints about you regarding their wedding or other times are, don't hold out for them to apologize or ever bring it up.  Could YS hlep to build a bridge?  Maybe invite you and OS/DIL over for dinner or lunch to be on neutral ground?

Good luck!

[BunnyMa]

I am thinking of writing a brief one page letter stating that we need to put the past in the past and try to rebuild our relationship but we will have to not drudge up the past because it only causes pain and anger on both sides  Life is too short and I would like to be a part of their life but we all need to respect one another for who we are and move forward.

I would not do this.  They don't want to just put it in the past and move forward; they will call it "sweeping it under the rug".  And say you just want to pretend nothing ever happened.

The price of admission back into their lives is to do what your son said: Apologize for those things they told you that day in the house, even if you think they are rediculous.  I doubt there is another way.

I also would not take a wedding anniversary gift to your son's office.  It's their anniversary, and doesn't really have anything to do with you.  Maybe giving Christmas or birthday or baby being born gifts but not a birthday gift.  It will look like you are desperate to have any excuse to contact your son alone.  It will look like a bribe.  It will look sneaky like you are trying to go around DIL's back.  And to give a gift for a celebration that they consider you messed up probably won't go over well.

I don't know what you can do except just move on like you say and hope in a couple years your son rethinks what happened.  I'm very sorry.

[jdtm]

The price of admission back into their lives is to do what your son said: Apologize for those things they told you that day in the house, even if you think they are rediculous.  I doubt there is another way.

Maybe, but I am wondering if the DIL wants you "out of her life" and no apology will ever be "good enough".  Our son and now ex-DIL had a "talk" with us about all of our deficiencies several years ago.  We were accused of things we did not say, did not do, ere - did not even think; but there was no way we were ever going to convince them of our innocence.  I suspect your DIL has convinced your son to feel the same way.  According to Dr. Phil - reality and "perception of a distorted reality" are one and the same to a person with a distorted mind and I suspect your DIL fits this category.  If so, there is nothing you can do - one can not reason with one who cannot reason.  We waited and tried to get on with our lives.  Luckily, our son eventually "saw through" his wife and they were divorced a couple of years ago (she abandoned her husband and both children - which says a lot about her).  Our relationship with our son is not great but is gradually improving.  There is still a lot of hurt on both sides and we are hoping that time will alleviate some of that hurt and some of those memories.

As the others have said - don't write that letter (or at least do not mail it) and be careful with gifts.  Trying to be kind and trying to be understood won't work with someone who is not kind/empathic and not able to "understand".  Unfortunately, many of us on this site have "been there".  So sorry ...

As a afterthought - yesterday my sister and I were discussing several of our older female relatives and older female friends - many of whom did not associate with the husband's side of the family.  We like to think this is a new phenomenon (and it is certainly larger than generations ago), but it is not new.  I guess that is why the statement is "a daughter is a daughter for the rest of your life; a son is a son until he takes a wife".  Maybe we need to instill "family loyalty" into our sons when they are children.  Whatever ....

[autumnlady]

Okay, I think I need to clarify a couple things.  The things they told me that I did at the wedding was not witnessed by my OS or DIL but was told to them by her Mother who loves to cause problems for some reason.  All of the things that I was accused of doing at their wedding NEVER happened. No one else noticed anything out of the ordinary except her mother.  That sounded odd to me which is why I asked my OS why he believes her mother over me.   I  just wanted to enjoy the day and see my son get married.   In fact due to the tension I was very quite and kept out of the way on their wedding day.  I was trying so hard to NOT be noticed I really did not mingle with many people.  I stayed with the 10 and I mean 10 family members on our side of the family that were invited.  All other guests were her family or mutual friends. 

The really sad part is that I was asked to pay $4,000 towards the wedding and was only able to give them $3500.00 since I had pay cut in affect at my job during that time.   I was never asked for a guest list or if I would like to invite anyone.  I did ask my son if I could invite 1 person and was given permission to do so.

My OS and DIL lived in my home for 5 years and did not pay me 1 cent for anything.  Nor did they help me clean or take care of the home. Then about 5 months prior to the wedding they moved out like thieves in the night because DIL did not like my YS girlfriend so she demanded to leave.  My OS called me the next day and told me:"sorry Mom not your fault but it's better this way Happy wife, Happy Life".  He said that over and over again it was sickening.   Believe me when I tell you that I have had many conversations with my OS and DIL prior to the wedding to try and work things out.   I would apologize to keep the peace even if it was not my fault.  When I finally asked my OS what is it that I do wrong, his answer was "It's just the way you are".  Now I have not changed but DIL has always had a problem with me since the beginning and I thought we could work it out but I was wrong.  Even my YS told me NOT to apologize after how they have treated me.  He loves his brother and does not want to lose him, but tolerates the DIL.   

It's hard to tell all the crazy details over the last 5 years.  My closest friends who have known my sons all their lives tell me that OS has been brainwashed and it's his loss because I am a good Mother.

I hope this helps shed a little more light on the situation.  Didn't mean to be so long winded but as you know there is more than 1 side of the story.  There is my side, their side and the truth!  Thank you again for your continued support.   

[autumnlady]

JDTM - I just read your post and that is EXACTLY my problem.  She has poisoned my son with things I NEVER did.  I have tried to talk to them but again he does not believe me.  Thank you for understanding.  I am going to keep praying for them both.  I only want them to be happy.

[Pen]

AL, my problem is similar. DIL cannot list one thing I've done wrong, it's "who you are." We too spent thousands and got very limited wedding invites. Some DILs & MILs have no intention of accepting the new ILs/DIL, so bending ourselves into pretzels or continually apologizing gets us nowhere. And how can we apologize for being who we are? I used to wish I'd done something I could apologize for!

DH & I figured we had a choice - be as overbearing as DIL's FOO, or back off & let DS work it out with DIL. We chose to back off; I'm not sure that was the right decision in hindsight (DIL/her FOO use that as proof that we don't love DS enough, & swept in to fill the void), but DS did say he appreciated it.

You have to take care of your needs while respecting the needs of those you love.They may never respect your needs, but at least you know you're on the high road.