Why does DIL's parents talk to her about me so often and frequently?

[renny97]

Why does DIL discuss her MIL with her parents often and frequently? My son and I never did this. That is why it was hard to bring up when I finally couldn't take anymore. I would know when I would get sarcastic comments regarding specific things but in "their" version/twisted. Then, the GC was repeating certain info, too. And, DIL had to tell them for them to know. She kept perpetuating the "horrible MIL."

It is a reflection of the existing communication between adult children and their parents? Or, we knew they were a pain, and just ignored? I did mention and vent more to my mother when she still alive. Or is it female to female communication that is easier because women seem more verbal in general?

Just wondering.....It seems like DIL's parents were in constant contact.

Ren

[luise.volta]

I have given up trying to figure out why anyone does anything. They are how they are and they do what they do. Their logic isn't mine and visa versa. All any of us can do  (in my opinion) is to observe what their patterns of behavior are when they affect us, and then decide what our own course of action is going to be. Anything beyond that is guessing and distracting when looking for resolution.

It is actually hard to figure out why I do what I do, sometimes. I can fool myself royally. So, figuring someone else out is a lost cause.

[cremebrulee]

I agree with Louise, adding, when you observe behavior as such, just be so thankful you are not like that, it is a lesson in how not to be....and remember, if you can...especially when your heart is breaking...life is a lesson, we need the bad times to fully understand happiness when it comes, even if for only a few moments....

Big hugs
Creme

[Scoop]

I think that your DIL's M's reaction (being snarky to you) shows a LOT about where your DIL is coming from. 

Because, yes, I talk to my Mom about my MIL.  Mostly because I don't want to complain to DH about his Mom, usually it's just venting and he doesn't need to hear that.  And sometimes, my Mom would give me a MIL's perspective and sometimes she would tell me I was wrong and to change my attitude.

I think the fact that you DIL is getting 'encouragement' in holding her grudge is awful.  I think that they're probably feeding off each other's negativity.  I don't know how you would fight that. 

[cocobars]

I think that your DIL's M's reaction (being snarky to you) shows a LOT about where your DIL is coming from. 

Because, yes, I talk to my Mom about my MIL.  Mostly because I don't want to complain to DH about his Mom, usually it's just venting and he doesn't need to hear that.  And sometimes, my Mom would give me a MIL's perspective and sometimes she would tell me I was wrong and to change my attitude.

I think the fact that you DIL is getting 'encouragement' in holding her grudge is awful.  I think that they're probably feeding off each other's negativity.  I don't know how you would fight that.

I wouldn't know how to fight it either.  I think that's a lose/lose situation.  No matter what you say or do, it can be turned around on you. The only thing I can think of doing is to try not to let it bother you.  I know that's easier said than done.  But sometimes you have to recognise people like that and just be you.  They don't know you like you do!  If they will make something negative out of any action or word, it's their problem - not yours.  Sometimes there may be no solutions.  We just have to keep going and loving ourselves.  Am I wrong?

[renny97]

Thanks. It is just the way they are. I have to keep full acceptance in mind. I guess I will just have days where it won't sink in.

The more time I am away from them, for me, will make life so much better. I have to remember that, too. I will just have to set up new forms of communicating on b'days (mail) to avoid ILs.

[cremebrulee]

Renny, sometime when your all together, why don't you ask them...not bitterly, but matter of factly....?  Call them on it....and then ask them if there was anything you may have said or done to make them do this....?  Tell them you consider yourself a nice person and you'd really like to know, so you don't make the same mistake again?

[Meryl]

I know I am guilty of talking to my mother about my mother in law. Have done this for  32 years. Mostly it was just because I didn't understand them. My MIL and FIL were so different from my mother and how I was raised. They were more the hands off type and I was looking to be part of a new family. Maturity on my part really helped. They were different; not bad. I just didn't understand or appreciate their ways. On the up side of hands off, I must say they never interfered in my marriage at all. They cared from afar, and I wanted a more hands on interactive extended family from them.

[cremebrulee]

I know I am guilty of talking to my mother about my mother in law. Have done this for  32 years. Mostly it was just because I didn't understand them. My MIL and FIL were so different from my mother and how I was raised. They were more the hands off type and I was looking to be part of a new family. Maturity on my part really helped. They were different; not bad. I just didn't understand or appreciate their ways. On the up side of hands off, I must say they never interfered in my marriage at all. They cared from afar, and I wanted a more hands on interactive extended family from them.

I have talked to people about my DIL, b/c I didn't understand, the way I saw her doing things wasn't always how they were meant...but I didn't understand, and I really believed she hated me...and she thought I hated her, and boy oh boy did things escalate, we both acted out of feelings of insecurity, negativity and I've said some awful things about her....now I'm very ashamed and humbled by the way I perceived things...awful...it is amazing what the mind sees when we're hurt, angry, insecure, confused and rejected...

I know, most humans don't mean to be mean, or gossip....but we're trying to get someone else's input into the situation...unfortunately, people who know us, are going to side with us...I was fortunate...b/c my girlfriends are older, so, when you get older, not everyone mind you, but for me, I've become so much more outspoken and unafraid to share my true feelings....and so are my girlfriends, so they gave me constructive critisum....which I felt was good for me....however, some people don't like to know the truth, they just want to complain, like the Original posters people....some are gossips by heart...love to stir up trouble...and most of the time, they're perspectives are way off, b/c they are not truly vocalizing, what is really happening....

but yes, I do know what you mean....a lot of times we talk about others b/c we're worried about them, or we don't understand what is going on in they're heads...and we fear discussing it with them, for fear they will take our wanton to discuss it as an insult, so we are left to assume, which is really bad. 

Communication is the key to any relationship....you've got to be able to communicate thoughts and ideas and how one sees things perceives things....otherwise, left unchecked, it certainly could escalate into years of pain...

Renny, I don't know what to think about your DIL and her parents?  There are so many reasons why people do things, not just wone, however, calling her on it, might cause a whole lot more trouble...then you want....and I originally felt that you should, however....perhaps what you should do is stay as far away as you can...and try very hard