Son's reaction to parents divorce

[Barbara]

Hello
I am going through a divorce..not a easy one after 41 years of marriage to a very controlling man!
I am a new visitor and have a troubling situation. My older son vented angrily at me a few months ago repeating lies that his father told him about me. Since then I have not heard from him, his wife or my 8 year old grand daughter despite my attempts to reach them. I admit the divorce sent me into a veil of tears & emotions unlike any I ever experienced and it made my older son uncomfortable. But he is 40 years old. Should  I continue to send  them "thinking of you notes" & special occasion cards . I don't want my grand daughter to think that I abandoned her but I don't want to buy them either.  They live 700 miles from me . My son has a short fuse and his wife is very meek . Her mother has been married 3 times, divorced twice. Does anyone have any wisdom on how I should handle this issue with my son and his wife. I am 67 years of age. Thank you, Barbara

[Prissy]

I've not experienced this, Barbara but I would imagine that your son is venting out to the only one who will "take it", you.

If his wife is receptive, would it be possible to write her and tell her that you don't want to lose contact with them?  Maybe reaching her would be easier right now than reaching him.  Maybe she might understand.

I'm so sorry about this for you. 

[luise.volta]

I think the fact that it has just been a few months may be in your favor. Time has a way of taking all of us through troubles waters.

Also the fact that blowing up is often your son's pattern of behavior may suggest that it's temporary. If so, doing nothing may be the wisest course of action.

A marital split may seem to even an adult child like an inner split and a need to choose one parent above the other. If your son reflects behaviors that he learned from his father, he may interpret your decision to divorce, as rejection of him on some level...(perhaps unconsciously.)

It's always so much easier to blame others than it is to see what's going inside us. He may think his wife is going to learn something from the choices you are making and leave him. Who knows?

Again, a lot of guessing going on here but it is my guess that his rage is on top of a lot of fear and that your DIL is going to "lay low" and ride this out, if she is a meek person. It would be nice if they could see that it is your issue but I'm sure that seldom happens. It's probably idealistic to think otherwise because such a radical change usually affects everyone.

You have taken a stand and now you are finding rejection when you need understanding. You can't change your son's reaction. You can only try to understand it...wait and hope.

You may also find seeing a counselor as a good idea. Think about giving yourself an advocate and some much needed professional support and perspective.

Bless your heart. 

[Barbara]

Thank you ladies.  I keep so much to myself that I don't realize how much wisdom and experience is willing to be shared if I just trust. I am going to continue to write short notes about every 2 weeks just to say hello and invite them back into my life. If I don't remain hopeful then  I have nothing. God bless you ladies
Barbara

[Alicev]

Hi Barbara!

Thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry to hear about your divorce. It can be a very emotional and hard experience to go through.

I think your son goes through his own loss and grief and that lashing out was a part of that. He may simply not have known a better way. Give it some time and peace and your son will contact you again. Everyone needs a different amount of time to deal with their issues and it takes a lot of patience of those around. Let him know that he is always welcome and that you are there for him and you want to be part of his life. Then let it settle for a while. Forcing things may have a reverse effect of what we hope to gain.

I hope all will work out for you!