DIL problems

[Shelby]

And you have to admit that the exact same behaviours can be seen many different ways, depending on the person's filter.  So, same situation, DH and DW both work hard, MIL comes in and leaves a pot of stew.  Good right?  But, what if, during previous visits, MIL had made comments about the DW's career interfering with her "taking care" of the DH?  It colours the DW's view of the situation.

The reason this comes up for me is because my MIL would fit right in with the MIL's here.  You all would have GREAT sympathy for her, having to deal with me.  She would deny making any rude comments to me, or just "not remember" them.  But I do.  And it colours our relationship.  It goes both ways too, I'm *sure* I've said things to her that offended/hurt her unintentionally.  That's why I can see, in the OP's situation, where the MIL might think this was a 'first offense', but in the DIL's eyes, it probably wasn't.
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Scoop - I totally agree with you.  Previous barbs/snipes do color a relationship.  In your case, it would seem that if MIL is willing, some counseling for the two of you  to re-start the relationship could be helpful.  But MIL would have to be willing to take a hard look at herself.  Counseling only works if both parties are willing to work on the relationship, as everyone on this board knows.   But I still want to go to AM's Halloween party. 

[Pooh]

I totally agree too if there is a history of boundaries crossed, critisizm and such, any even unintentional behavior would set off bells and whistles.

I guess what I am saying is this (trying again because I'm just really struggling trying to figure out what I mean.  It sounds right in my head!)

My DIL has a history of being a pain.  She has a history with me or eye-rolling, foot-stomping, aloofness, coldness, etc.  I had situation after situation with her that no matter what I did, it wasn't working and neither could anyone else get along with her.  So when the final straw came of her booting myself and my family off her FB, after nothing happened, at that point I had enough, I didn't send her a venom filled email full of contempt and hate.  I didn't send something raking her over the coals.  I simply sent a text to my OS saying that I didn't appreciate being lied to by him and it was obvious at this point that they didn't want anything to do with our side of the family, so I was honoring their wishes and would no longer contact them.  Told him I loved him and he knew where to find me if he needed us.  That was all.  I could have sent an enraged email but I didn't.  What good would it have done?  All it would have done was make it worse and harder to maybe have a relationship in the future if things changed.  I would have been wrong to do it and would have owed an apology for it.

[Pen]

Scoop, that's how it is with my DIL. Her previous snipes and criticisms (& her outright statement that she hated us "losers") have colored my attitude towards her even though I have attempted to move on. I cannot be myself around her, & I've caught myself looking for put downs. Oh, I usually find them...

Shelby, I'm there! Sounds like great fun! AM, are you ready for us??

[Pooh]

I'm in too AM!  I'm dressing up too.  I'm going to put on my moo-moo dress, cinching it with a belt right under my chest, knee high stockings with one rolled down with my fuzzy houseshoes. 

I'm going as an MIL stunt double   

[pam1]

I know what you're saying too, Pooh.  Even when someone is horrible to me I rarely say anything, just back the heck away.  Especially if it is a pattern, I see absolutely no use in trying to rectify a situation in that case.

And I also know where Scoop is coming from, perception is in the eyes of the beholder. 

And if I'm invited to AM's party I'm going as Mr. Miyagi and DH is the Karate Kid.

[Pen]

Ha ha, Pooh - hilarious imagery! Don't forget red lipstick, pursed lips and big, smothering chest area.

[Pooh]

Check!

[sesamejane]

And the biggest purse you can find...

[Shelby]

I had a great time at Amflautist's party last night.  How about the rest of you? 

And by the way, Amflautist, how in the world did you come up with that name?

[Pooh]

I did have a wonderful time, but it was hard getting all the blue washed out of my hair this morning!