Invisible, I agree with your statement, “The only thing we can be assured of in life’s journey is change.” Sometimes that “change” is unexpected and devastating, like your sons passing, but I truly believe a statement Luise put into words a week or two ago, “from these dark places, miracles are born.” I also see something very symbolic in the caterpillar’s emergence from dark cocoons, transformed as butterflies, flying away into an expansion of their previous lives, beautifully recreated from that darkness! I believe Luise and I found different ways of saying the same thing. I think you are in that darkness and I have so many hopes for you! You are taking each day as you can at your own pace, even if you don’t see that yet. I certainly understand feeling as if your GD died on that motorcycle with your son and agree with you that right now those feelings are valid. The thought of what you are feeling makes me want to hug you even more and keep you very close.
You’re right, there may be nothing you can do to help your GC, but that doesn’t mean you have to go on that motorcycle ride too? The fact that you say you are getting out of bed and taking a walk is a step. One to be personally proud of and I hope that precludes other steps toward seeing you smiling again. But, if you can find the energy to take a walk, then maybe you can call a counselor or mental health center for counseling? Many of the centers will take people on a sliding scale, which means, if you are unemployed – FREE! I have done it before and found the support through counselling was much better than anything else. I hope you do because you need so much support right now and I know in my heart that you have the strength it takes to be happy again! All it takes is one phone call, one day, and only when you feel you have the strength to make a call…
I agree with you (and hope I don’t get in trouble for saying this), but sometimes we have to give up on these situations and people who are hurting us so deeply. I believe you are faced with so much right now that the hatred you are enduring may be too much. Only you know that for sure, and you are the only one who knows if it’s time to say it’s enough, or if you have the strength to continue, but sometimes I’ve found I’ve had to say “enough” too! Whatever you are feeling, we are still here for you and you are loved and thought of every day of your life! This is unconditional! I believe you are a hero, not matter what you decide, simply because surviving what you have so far, makes you this person!
I pray that you find the strength you need to be happy again and emerge from this dark place as the beautiful soul I have seen! You have a lot to give the world. I know I’m a dreamer, but I hope someday you will believe in miracles to and dream again too (and join me -LOL)! I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. In the meantime, I’m keeping you in my thoughts and prayers – and I will still be here waiting for the day you come through and change your name to the name Mominwaiting gave you. One we have all repeated since she named you – “Incredible,” because I think I’ll know then that you are starting to fly!
Hugging you tight, Invisible! We are here for you!
Please don't give up on yourself. You are stronger than you think and have already survived so much! I think good things are waiting for you!
