Son who has issues with mom

[Mom of 3]

Hi

I need some suggestions. To deal with a married son who lives with his in- laws and his wife dislikes me. They have been married for about 3. 1/2 years. Now.  My husband died 20 months ago of pancreatic cancer.  His wife got upset at me for not spending 10 minutes with her parents at my husband's funeral. Whee I had 150 people come in 6 hours.  I feel that a funeral is not a party social gathering. The last time I saw her was at the memorial service. Six weeks after my husbands death.  When I told my son to remove all his belongings from my home because he was married for2 years now. And he needed to take his belonging with him. He claimed that he had no room at his inlays and I should keep his belongings because I had room. I said no and that he need to take his belonging out of my home. Also. He says that I favor my daughter  and other son. He gets upset. If I change my mind and it does agree with him.  He hasn't seen me in 4 months.  He says every time he comes over. We argue. He wants me to change to please him. I told him I am what I am and he needs to accept me for who I am.  I also told him. I might not like how he is living and what he is dong but I love him and he has made his life and he is happy then I wish him all the best. 

Should I seek. A family consol er or what should I do. To mend this relationship?

[ccarern]

Sorry to hear you are going through this.  However, I don't understand why his belongings being at your house is such an issue.  Do you not have very much room; or, you just trying to prove a point?  My son hasn't spoken to me for over 3 months because I spoke up to his controlling MIL.  I would give anything to have just a shirt of his at my home, so that I could have just something of his.  Maybe he feels that leaving his stuff at your house some how keeps him connected to you.  I don't know and you did not say what his "things" were.  But whatever it is, things are not as important as a relationship with your son.

I have dealt with my sons overbearing MIL and my DIL foo and them taking over my son and grandsons.  I know how badly that hurts.  Now I just wish I hadn't decided to stand up to his MIL  because I've lost my son over it. I just finally had enough of never being invited to family gatherings that included not only my son and DIL; but they went so far as to include my other son and DIL that aren't even related to them.  They knew exactly what they were doing and it finally worked.  Once I had enough, my son's wife used it against me and I came out looking like the bad guy.

If you have the chance to sit down with your son and a conselor, take it.  I wish you the best.   

[tryingmybest]

Ccareen, your post could have been written by me. At this point I really don't think my son got married, I think he got adopted. They see my DIL' s family of origin one to two times a week, not including out of town trips to extended family members, where he sits in the backseat of the car like kid number 4. With his work schedule , all his IL obligations leave no time for us at all.And that's not the biggest problem, they have no time for them. I told him right up front after they got married their first priority had to be each other, AnD forming THEIR family unit. that's not happening he's just been added to hers. So far I've kept my mouth shut and been supportive but it's getting harder every day. He looks totally overwhelmed. Pretty sure it's not the way he thought it would be, The minute I met his MIL, I knew what was coming down the road. I was right she came like a two ton truck and steamrolled everything.

[ccarern]

Thank you for your reply.  Whatever you do (from what has happened to me) don't get involved in trying to tell your son that he has lost himself in their lives.  That is what started the situation with my son.  I can just hear my DIL telling him to cut all ties with me because I stood up to her mother.  My DIL made up the story that I had said things to my oldest GS whom I was extremely close to.  She never even confronted me about what I was accused of saying.  I was just told my son to "never come near them again."  I kept my GS's (two) every time that they were sick (I am a critical care open heart nurse) because my DIL would never, ever call in sick, but leave them with me instead.  Now that the boys are older, she doesn't need me anymore.  My son is a realtor, so now with the market in the dumper, he can stay with them or pick them up after school.  So, they used me until they used me up, like the giving tree. It breaks my heart that my son (whom I was very close to) now tells me he has discovered "emotional wounds" which I gave him.  This is the first I'd ever heard of this.  I am sure I was not a perfect Mom, but who is.  Now I've been replaced.  I even though about ending it all, but I have another younger son with two beautiful GD and a precious wife.  However, they still talk to my son's MIL after knowing
what happened and it really hurts.  I know that my younger DS's wife doesn't like her, but is afraid of the trouble she can cause between my younger and older son.  I have never, ever seen or known anyone who was truly evil, but ds mil is truly evil and finally got me out of her GS's lives.  I need to run and errand but would love to keep in touch. ccarern@sbcglobal.net, if you would like as the pain is unbearable.   

[jdtm]

Mom of 3 - You're not going to win this - been there and understand totally.  So, my advice is to "agree" to everything your son wants - you don't count and frankly, if you stand up to your son, your DIL and her parents, this will turn it against you.  I know - as I have said - been there.  That fact you are grieving your husband will have no influence on your DIL or her ILs (sounds as if they are extremely self-centered to the point of having mental health issues); sound cruel - but they really don't care.  It's all about them and if your son wants to remain married; then he will be required to conform.

Your saving grace will be your "niceness" and "not wanting anything in return" and acting "graciously" (because frankly, you're not going to get anything).  But someday, if your son is like mine, it will end (for me it was 15 years), and then you don't want to have to deal with past "baggage".  I so wish (like ccarern) that I had said or done nothing.  I question the use of a counsellor - I know our son would have told his wife and it would have backfired on me (and there is no way that she would ever be in the wrong).  If you use a counsellor, please go alone at first and see what the counsellor thinks would work.  I have been accused of things I did not say, do, or even think but as a MIL, almost everyone (if not everyone) will blame you.  Please tread very carefully; your son does not yet empathize/sympathize with you and as I said, you won't win.  One thing that did help was the constant intervention of our younger son and his friends who could see the injustice of it all.  And trust that those years of loving upbringing will someday be remembered.  But, the wife rules and as long as that marriage is intact, you won't/can't win.  It will get worse after the grandchildren arrive, so please, be careful.

As many will say on this forum, continue with your life - putting your son "on hold".  This is the only way I see that you will be able to keep him in your life.  When our son finally did divorce his wife, he gave all holidays (even Father's Day) to the ex-wife and her family.  It gets better, but it never gets great.  As a friend said to me at church today - "it depends on the girl who becomes the wife".  Be kind and gracious and thankful for any crumbs thrown your way (there won't be many).  One of our grandchildren is now beginning to rebel against the maternal side; I don't know if we'll ever "know" the other grandchild.  Now after saying all this about our elder son, our younger son married the most wonderful girl in the world.  Is there any in-between?  So sorry ....

[sesamejane]

DearestMom3,
Well, a funeral is not a party, and her expectations of you were and are way out of line.  I am so sorry for your loss, and I suppose the thought of losing someone else who is important to you, is a very anxiety provoking and sad one.  I am sorry you are going through this.

If I were you and I had the room, I would forget about his things for the time being. Are his things in the way? (If so, by all means, set a time and day for him to come get the stuff!).   Spend this time getting stronger, building other supportive relationships, and by all means see a counselor for *you.*  You have been through a lot and need to nurture yourself right now.  Let things lie for awhile; keep reading and writing posts on WWU.  Do you have positive friends, family, or a church family that you can depend on, who support you?  If so, spend more time with them as you heal; and if not, then maybe consider building a bridge to new friends, and I find a great deal of support in my church.  If that is not for you, there are other supportive groups or "church like" organizations.  And we will be here for you.

One baby-step at a time.  you do not have to reject your son or make any decisions about him just now.  He is married to an insensitive woman - ok - that's what's going on.  She is probably not going to change.  He is building his life with her - that is the reality.  Time for you to build your life. 

Keep posting...

[momof2]

momof3, It sounds as if you want your son to get his things out of your house in order to make his life more inconvenient for him because he and his wife are not being considerate of you.  It seems like that is the only form of control you have over this situation and you are using it to punish him. If you have the room, please don't try to push the issue. This will only cause your son to move further away from you. You have had it for this long, just keep it for a little while longer. If you have plans for that room, set up a deadline for him to pick it up.

You should REALLY listen to the ladies that have dealt with this situation with their own sons. Honestly, my DH and I see my mother and do more things with my family, not because they are loved more, but because they are much easier to be around. My MIL started off being very emotional and super needy with us and when she came into town, or viceversa, she completely wore our whole family out. She constantly had something to complain about and could not just "be" and have a good time. MIL's neediness finally started to manifest into demands. She wanted to force us to call her saying she expected a certain amount of calls within a certain amount of time. If we didn't call her or visit with her as much as she wanted, she would call us and complain about it and it just made us want to step further away from her.  She acted more like a needy child than an adult. She didn't understand that we were so busy with our children and OUR MARRIAGE that it was not always easy to make time for anyone else. It's not that we don't love her, it's just too much work to keep her happy. It was never enough. My family doesn't have demands of contact and they certainly do not have expectations of being entertained when they come to visit us.

Make the time that you do see your son as pleasant and effortless as possible. You want him to enjoy being around you and not dread seeing you. If you are making demands or complaining about your lack of time with him or anything else whenever he sees you, he will just push you farther away.

[pam1]

Welcome momof3

If you haven't already done so please take a moment to read the Forum Agreement and History of WWU in the category Open Me First.  We ask all new members to do so not b/c there is anything wrong with your post.

IMO, the best course of action is to mend your relationship with your son before bringing DIL into the equation.  DS says that when he visits there are always arguments, is this true?  If so, I do think it can be understandable for a person to avoid that type of consistent unpleasant interaction.

Perhaps lunches once or month with DS or catch a movie together every once in a while.  This time is hard for the both of you and a lot of changes are going on, maybe taking it easy and planning fun outings will eventually lead to a closer relationship. 

While I can also understand wanting someone to remove their belongings from a home they no longer live in, it does sort of sound like you're doing it as punishment.  That may not be the case but it's what it looks like. 

[Pen]

Welcome Mom of 3. I too have a DS who joined a shiny new family and has left us pretty much in the dust.

For the past few months I've been feeling as if I'd lost my voice since I don't feel as if I can speak up about any of the things that have gone on since DS & DIL married. Last night (trying to fall asleep) I had fantasized about having a meeting w/him alone and telling him how hurt I was that he spent all his time with the ILs, among other things. I too want to get all of his things out of our garage (a P/A way to let him know how I feel.) Thank goodness this thread is here this morning! I won't be confronting him on these issues; don't want to lose what little we have.

I don't know what to do to reinsert our FOO back into his life; DIL doesn't like us or any of the activities we enjoy, so we don't see them in any real sense very often. DS did stand up for us awhile back regarding Christmas with us every other year...but every month I see us diminishing in his memory.

Many DILs will deny that they have the power to influence their DHs, but it can be a subtle changing of habits rather than a major mind-control thing. I think that's what's happening with our family; DS is in the habit now of spending all his time with the ILs and seeing us occasionally on the odd holiday. He's out of the habit of contacting us or coming to see us.

[Doe]

Hi Mom of 3-

I don't see anything wrong with getting your son's things out of your house.  He's still using you for free storage without offering any real exchange (money, attention, respect).  Would you do this for any other person who treated you the way your son treats you?

I don't see the value in keeping objects that belong to a person as an attempt to make the person like me.

Independence goes both ways - he's an independent adult now with new people in his life.  Isn't it time for you to have your independence from him?  That includes your space - I suggest you follow through and reclaim it!

[Ruth]

I

  I would give anything to have just a shirt of his at my home, so that I could have just something of his.

Isn't it amazing the power of perspective? ( This one made me cry, poor Ccarern.  Bless your heart.)  Battles are often won at such a high price.  I am sorry Mom of 3 for the loss of your husband to such a devastating illness.  I think you are very tired and still grieving, and this makes everything look huge and hopeless.  Give yourself time to heal and give your son time to heal.  He also lost his father.  Time will heal.

[tryingmybest]

Pen I know what you mean by "losing your voice" and I'll confess something. 
My son is a FB friend, and I've finally figured out how to operate the privacy settings. I've subscribed to a number of inspirational pages and I send him a specific quote whenever I want to make a point or just give him something to think about it. I have it set up so the "quotes" only go to him. I know its passive aggressive to the max, but hey why not.?! 

[Shelby]

Hi

I need some suggestions. To deal with a married son who lives with his in- laws and his wife dislikes me. They have been married for about 3. 1/2 years. Now.  My husband died 20 months ago of pancreatic cancer.  His wife got upset at me for not spending 10 minutes with her parents at my husband's funeral. Whee I had 150 people come in 6 hours.  I feel that a funeral is not a party social gathering. The last time I saw her was at the memorial service. Six weeks after my husbands death.  When I told my son to remove all his belongings from my home because he was married for2 years now. And he needed to take his belonging with him. He claimed that he had no room at his inlays and I should keep his belongings because I had room. I said no and that he need to take his belonging out of my home. Also. He says that I favor my daughter  and other son. He gets upset. If I change my mind and it does agree with him.  He hasn't seen me in 4 months.  He says every time he comes over. We argue. He wants me to change to please him. I told him I am what I am and he needs to accept me for who I am.  I also told him. I might not like how he is living and what he is dong but I love him and he has made his life and he is happy then I wish him all the best. 

Should I seek. A family consol er or what should I do. To mend this relationship?

Mom - there are so many unanswered questions here.  Why do they live with her FOO?  That can't fun for anyone.  Young couples need their privacy - so living in her FOO home must be stressful for them - and her FOO.  Do they have no $$?  No jobs??  Are they students?  If so, they are struggling. 

You say DS gets upset if you change your mind.  What are you changing your mind about?  Are you offering help or something, then going back on your offer?  If so, he's entitled to be frustrated with you. 

Making him take all his belongings when it sounds like he and his wife have not had their own place to live sounds pretty vindictive to me.  (And I'm dying for my sons to clear their junk out of the basement, but I have to take their situations into account) - Of course, if he and his wife refuse to get jobs, drink all day or are on drugs, then I have no sympathy for them.  But if they are students and working minimum wage jobs and living with her family so they can get their educations without being saddled with tens of thousands of dollars of debt from student loans, then I am quite sympathetic with them. 

I also have sympathy for you losing your husband from pancreatic cancer.  Perhaps you feel you didn't get the support you deserved from DS during that time. 

None of us on this board can possibly know the answers to any of this - I just feel that there are many important details that have not been shared.  I think you definitely need to talk to a family counselor and get some perspective on this. 

[ccarern]

Thank you for your reply.  Whatever you do (from what has happened to me) don't get involved in trying to tell your son that he has lost himself in their lives.  That is what started the situation with my son.  I can just hear my DIL telling him to cut all ties with me because I stood up to her mother.  My DIL made up the story that I had said things to my oldest GS whom I was extremely close to.  She never even confronted me about what I was accused of saying.  I was just told my son to "never come near them again."  I kept my GS's (two) every time that they were sick (I am a critical care open heart nurse) because my DIL would never, ever call in sick, but leave them with me instead.  Now that the boys are older, she doesn't need me anymore.  My son is a realtor, so now with the market in the dumper, he can stay with them or pick them up after school.  So, they used me until they used me up, like the giving tree. It breaks my heart that my son (whom I was very close to) now tells me he has discovered "emotional wounds" which I gave him.  This is the first I'd ever heard of this.  I am sure I was not a perfect Mom, but who is.  Now I've been replaced.  I even though about ending it all, but I have another younger son with two beautiful GD and a precious wife.  However, they still talk to my son's MIL after knowing
what happened and it really hurts.  I know that my younger DS's wife doesn't like her, but is afraid of the trouble she can cause between my younger and older son.  I have never, ever seen or known anyone who was truly evil, but ds mil is truly evil and finally got me out of her GS's lives.  I need to run and errand but would love to keep in touch. ccarern@sbcglobal.net, if you would like as the pain is unbearable.   

[ccarern]

Now it has been three months since my DS has written me that horrible email accusing me of things I never said to my grand son.  DS and DIL were invited to DS MIL's for TG; we usually have it at their house because they have all of my dining room furniture, etc. But I wasn't invited; so, my younger DS and DIL had a TG dinner for me at their house with new grandbaby girl and my 3 yr old gd.  It was bittersweet as DS MIL posted how my DS was doing the cooking for her and she was so excited.  She continues to rub it in. DS MIL was the one that started the entire problem.  I feel like she wants my son as her own because her own son has had many problems. She doesn't claim anything unless it is perfect.  Today was my first DS BD and for the first time in 39 years I was not invited to any celebration and was told in his original and last email "not to come near them".   I am really scarey.  I am a 62 yr old critical care nurse and have always been accused of being "too nice" especially to people who take advantage of my good nature. 

Alll that said, I miss my son and two grandsons and even my DIL so much that it has made me sick (according to my doctor) I spent last week with double pneumonia, bilateral ear infections, and sinus infection along with pleurisy in one lung. 
I am at a lose as to what to do; because they told me that nothing I could ever say would fix anything.  Please help.  My DB told me to stop letting what they did make me crazy; how do you do that?  Sick and sad