MIL trouble

[jdtm]

momof2 - Have you ever heard of the "medium chill"?  This is how I interact with my two sisters-in-law.  They don't like me and have been very blunt in letting me know. 

So, I use the "medium chilll".  What that means is that we interact on a very polite but superficial level.  If anyone was watching, they woud think we had a good relationship.  However, I do not divulge any personal details or opinions or committments; it takes practise but one can converse for hours using a lot of words but saying nothing.  (I think this might describe many of our politicians - LOL).  I appear to agree with everything that is said (example - if I hated the apple pie and was asked if I liked the pie, I would reply "Oh, the crust was so flaky").  I appeared to agree; but in reality, I did not.   If a topic is one in which i cannot discuss with them, I say "you know that is one topic that is off-limits in this household" and then laugh (you'll be upset inside but with the medium chill everyone needs to believe that you are totally comfortable and calm).  Actually, after a period of time, one actually feels this way.  Just a suggestion....

[Pen]

Jdtm, I think the medium chill is what DIL and I aspire to. Too bad, 'cos I'd like something less shallow...but at least we aren't at each other's throats.

Momof2, your MIL sounds like a miserable, mean woman (sorry, but she does.) My DF & SM still haven't accepted my DD either and it hurts so much. I cover for them for DD's sake; DD doesn't know, she thinks they love her dearly. I was lucky to get support from my MIL, my DB, and a couple of very dear friends.

[sesamejane]

Mom2,
as I read your post I was struck by the lack of boundaries your mil has.  It is as if she is enmeshed in not only your life but her identity is all mixed up with your dh and dd.  I think she cannot accept that her gd has these difficulties and therefore "someone must be at fault."  Unfortunately, you are the punching bag.  I am so sorry; how sad and uncomfortable for you.  And I don't think it is entirely "thoughtless" of her that she shows dd special attention in front of ds.  She may not be processing it very deeply, but she does mean harm I believe.  Again, someone must be at fault, someone must pay for any anxiety she is feeling.  She is protecting her ego all the time and does not sound as if she is a good observer of herself or inner life.  ugh! 

Well, I am sorry you are 'hooked' into this right now, but it seems your task is to get 'unhooked.'  Physically as much as possible, but more importantly probably is emotionally.  She is a sad and unfortunate person, and as has been said, you can do nothing about *her.*   You of course have full influence over your self, and some influence over dd, ds, and wiht the loving help of your dh, you all can grow strong as a family.  *Let go* of her and don't let her take up time in your thoughts; redirect attention whenever she comes to mind. 

I like the *medium chill* idea.  It is all so sad but better to not pretend it is not happening.  Full disclosure within yourself is protective and you must listen to yourself. 

Hugs, sesamejane   

If I were you, I would certainly limit my time with mil, and not leave my children alone with her.

[momof2]

Sesamejane, you could not have said it any better. I think MIL treats DS that way only because I made it a concern before DD was born. My point was to communicate that I still expected my DS to be treated fairly, even with a new baby. So many older kids seem to have trouble when a new sibling is born and I wanted to make it easier on him, especially being my DH's stepson. I think MIL knows how much I love my DS and she knows that she can hurt me by hurting him.

I get that DD and MIL have a biological connection and all, but that MUST be tempered with fairness!

We are getting close to the holidays and I know that the "games" will soon begin in a territorial pissing contest between MIL and DH. My DH had been ignoring her for a while due to some passive-aggressive texts and messages left by MIL. MIL called DH to tell him that FIL was in the hospital. Now that FIL is ill, DH is calling to check in on him, but MIL now refuses to answer the phone and won't let him contact FIL. This is way beyond sad; the way this family behaves. Everytime I am in contact with them it feels more like the Jerry Springer show than a family visit.

[tryingmybest]

Gotta side with Doe on this one. Fights between husbands and wives absolutely should not be shared with parents on either side. If you go to your Mom with your fights with your husband you are not being fair to her, and trust me you are impacting her relationship with your husband, even if she never talks to him directly.

[momof2]

tryingmybest, You make a good point. I never thought of it that way. Thank you!

[orphanedmominmn]

I use the "medium chilll". 

I love this jdtm!!!  I need to learn this.

[Shelby]

   I think your DH is a big part of the problem if he's still going to Mama when you fight.  He's giving her a personal invitation to the fight.

Gotta side with Doe on this one. Fights between husbands and wives absolutely should not be shared with parents on either side. If you go to your Mom with your fights with your husband you are not being fair to her, and trust me you are impacting her relationship with your husband, even if she never talks to him directly.

Both Doe and Trying are right.  You and DH need to resolve your problems between yourselves - or with professional therapists - or even with anonymous guidance from these WW - but not by talking about it with anyone with whom you share Thanksgiving dinner.  You can't expect MIL to respect your boundaries when you and DH have not done a good job of establishing them.  Perhaps your DH should apologize to his mom for ever dragging her into your issues, you should give same apology to your mother, then you can expect them to mind their own business.  But as long as you loop them in on your marital issues, it is kind of unfair to then turn around and blame MIL for sticking her nose into your business.  Start with DH.  He is BIG part of problem.  MIL is only taking her cues from him.