Feeling Frustrated

[Invisible]

I want my GD to remember her father and my DIL wants her daughter to forget him. Their marriage was over long before he died. Now any physical problem my GD has IE. rash, my DIL tells her thats because of your father. My DIL did not grieve his loss one second. My DIL says bad things about my her father and me in front of my GD. My GD says these things to my face and I feel as if  my relationship with my GD is deteriorating.

Yesterday, I took my GD skating and to a puppet show. My GD told me her mom said I didn't even know my son. My GD treats me cold and cruel. My son and I were a "hugger." My GD will hardly allow me to hug her. She does not allow me to hold her hand to cross the street. Eveything I say to her is an argument. I am feeling very frustrated.

It was if a was nothing more than the baby sitter. I know my DIL hates me and my GD will mirror all those feeling her mother shares for me. But it hurts. In the event of death or divorce it is not uncommon for the son's mother and/or father to be pushed out of the relationship. When my mother and father were divorced I never saw my father or his mother again.

I am beginning to realize trying to keep a bond with my GD is a losing battle. If the mother hates me there is no way her daughter is going to like me against the wishes of her mother. My DIL has all the power and sh is using her daughter to hurt me. I just don't think I can take anymore .....hurt.

Maybe the best thing I can do for self preservation is to walk away.

[2chickiebaby]

how old is your GD, Invisible? 

[cocobars]

Invisible, I feel so bad for you and I know that hurts you so much!  She is a little piece of your son, he left behind and you can't help but love her with all that's in you.  I have no idea what to tell you.  I hope Luise has some suggestions.

The only thing I can think, is to just take a break so that you can catch your breath and collect your thoughts and feelings.  That's what I would do.  And each time she says something mean to you, follow the conversation with positive things.  Like, "even if your mother thinks I didn't know your father, I loved him because he was my "son-shine," just like you are that for me now.  I will always love you, even if you get angry with me."  That's just me though.  It's what I would do.  I believe you are in the midst of a battle and yes, she will probably take on her mother's traits and repeat things her mother has "drilled" into her little mind.  It's up to you how you fight back.  You may have to take occasional breaks so that you can "take care of you." 

You are in my thoughts and prayers, invisible.  Just know that you have friends here that will lift you up and love you back!  We all know you are doing so much and the road you are traveling on is so tough!  You will need all the support and love you can get also, because you are living through abuse right now...

I see your determination and I believe you will survive it, even if it takes "little breaks for you" in the process.

Take care!

[Invisible]

My son died 28 months ago. His daughter was 5. She is now 7 years old.

Yesterday I asked her what she missed most about her dad ...just to see what she would say. She just looked at me and said nothing. When my GD was 2-4 she looked like her dad. Now she looks and acts very much like her mom. My GD suffers from ADHD and her mother has her on medication. My GD has a very short memory. I do not know if it is related to the medication or the ADHD. Yes, my son had ADHD. Back in the day....we did not medicate children for hyper active disorders. We took them to the playground to run the energy off.

how old is your GD, Invisible?

[Invisible]

Thank you SO much for your much needed support. Yes, I think you are quite right. I need to step away from the problem and lick my wounds.

Yesterday my GD could not tell me what she missed about her father. I told her you may not remember him...but never forget how much he loves you.

This is a very bad situation. I need to step back. Maybe in a month or two my GD will appreciate our little times together. I don't know.

Invisible, I feel so bad for you and I know that hurts you so much!  She is a little piece of your son, he left behind and you can't help but love her with all that's in you.  I have no idea what to tell you.  I hope Luise has some suggestions.

The only thing I can think, is to just take a break so that you can catch your breath and collect your thoughts and feelings.  That's what I would do.  And each time she says something mean to you, follow the conversation with positive things.  Like, "even if your mother thinks I didn't know your father, I loved him because he was my "son-shine," just like you are that for me now.  I will always love you, even if you get angry with me."  That's just me though.  It's what I would do.  I believe you are in the midst of a battle and yes, she will probably take on her mother's traits and repeat things her mother has "drilled" into her little mind.  It's up to you how you fight back.  You may have to take occasional breaks so that you can "take care of you." 

You are in my thoughts and prayers, invisible.  Just know that you have friends here that will lift you up and love you back!  We all know you are doing so much and the road you are traveling on is so tough!  You will need all the support and love you can get also, because you are living through abuse right now...

I see your determination and I believe you will survive it, even if it takes "little breaks for you" in the process.

Take care!

[cocobars]

My son died 28 months ago. His daughter was 5. She is now 7 years old.

Yesterday I asked her what she missed most about her dad ...just to see what she would say. She just looked at me and said nothing. When my GD was 2-4 she looked like her dad. Now she looks and acts very much like her mom. My GD suffers from ADHD and her mother has her on medication. My GD has a very short memory. I do not know if it is related to the medication or the ADHD. Yes, my son had ADHD. Back in the day....we did not medicate children for hyper active disorders. We took them to the playground to run the energy off.

Invisible, one of my youngest daughter's has ADHD.  She was put into a special program at school where the kids get "one-on-one" attention (smaller classrooms but still public school).  The kids that have that DO have really short attention spans (and memory).  The teachers in those classrooms would go around and remind the kids to stay on task.  Your GD may not remember much about her Dad.  She is listening to her mother (probably tell her that her Dad didn't love her).  It's up to you to tell her how much you KNOW he did and still does where he is, and that he's looking down on her and sending her love through you sometimes.  I truly believe that.  You wouldn't be lying to her. It's up to you to let her know she was loved and still is.  She may not know that considering her mother's influence on her...

[Pen]

What a difficult, heartbreaking situation. I'm not at all an advice-giver, since Lord knows my lilfe isn't as together as it could be. But part of me wants to say "GO! Protect yourself!" The other part says "This dear child needs to know that no matter what you're there for her. No matter what cr*p is dished out, you're still there." I don't know...my heart breaks for you, and for her too.

The analogy of the oxygen mask in the airplane fits here maybe? When the flight attendant says "Adults put on their masks first and then put the mask on their child" so the adults will be able to better help the kids? You have to keep yourself healthy and strong for her, and if doing so means taking a break, that's what you need to do.

[RedRose]

Invisible,

The next time your GC is over show her a picture of your son. Tell her the story behind the picture. Take her outside to visit your garden!
Maybe make this a tradition every time she comes to your house.

Just a suggestion...

[Invisible]

Oh ...I show her photos quite a lot. My GD goes into the back yard almost everytime she is here. Thank for your suggestions.

Invisible,

The next time your GC is over show her a picture of your son. Tell her the story behind the picture. Take her outside to visit your garden!
Maybe make this a tradition every time she comes to your house.

Just a suggestion...

[Invisible]

Frustrating isn't it?

Yes, my GD needs me but I am walking wounded. Maybe after a  few months off her mother would appreciate me just a little.

Perhaps my GD would appreciate her time with me.

What a difficult, heartbreaking situation. I'm not at all an advice-giver, since Lord knows my lilfe isn't as together as it could be. But part of me wants to say "GO! Protect yourself!" The other part says "This dear child needs to know that no matter what you're there for her. No matter what cr*p is dished out, you're still there." I don't know...my heart breaks for you, and for her too.

The analogy of the oxygen mask in the airplane fits here maybe? When the flight attendant says "Adults put on their masks first and then put the mask on their child" so the adults will be able to better help the kids? You have to keep yourself healthy and strong for her, and if doing so means taking a break, that's what you need to do.

[2chickiebaby]

Dear Invisible,
I wish I could get hold of your DIL.  I can't seem to get mad except on PAPER but I do think I'd wring her neck.

These people have no hearts, no souls, no humanity.  Talking to her own daughter about you and turning her against probably the only person on earth except the DIL who loves her, is beneath contempt.  I don't think the DIL loves her daughter so that leaves you to love her.

I don't understand how she can live on our earth.  Why do these people get to live here?  Someday your Granddaughter will understand what is going on.  It will be a long time and during this time she likely will have huge obstacles to hurdle. 

She will look back on you as her only safe place.  She likely loves her mother and probably wants her love but someday it will dawn on her where love really is. 

I'm so sorry, Invisible.  I wish we could take the hurt from you. 

[Scoop]

Invisible, your GD needs you, but she will not appreciate your efforts, and I would say that she CAN NOT appreciate them, until she's a grown up, maybe not until she's a mom.  So in the meantime, you must not give up.

I have a suggestion for you that is currently helping my complete outlook on life.   It's based on one of those internet jokes about "what men wish women knew", the line is "if I say something to you, and you can take it 2 ways, and one of those ways makes you cry, I MEANT the OTHER way". 

I doubt that your GD sais those words to you about not knowing your son to *HURT* you, she said it because she heard it and she likely wanted to hear you refute it.  What if you took it "the other way" and just said "HA!  Of course I knew my son, who do you think brought him up, who do you think taught him to do *insert something here that he did with GD or that she admires*, who do you think helped him *whatever*?  I knew that he was a good Daddy who thought the sun rose and set for his little *nickname for her*" 

As for remembering him, I don't think it's up to HEr to ry and remember him.  It's up to YOU to remind her.  You don't need to "push" it all the time, but whenever something comes up, you talk about how he would be so proud of her, or how he did that when he was little.  Just little anecdotes and funny stories.

But whatever you do, please don't give up on her.  She's already been "abandoned" by her Dad, she's afraid that the people who love her might leave.

[cocobars]

It was if a was nothing more than the baby sitter. I know my DIL hates me and my GD will mirror all those feeling her mother shares for me. But it hurts. In the event of death or divorce it is not uncommon for the son's mother and/or father to be pushed out of the relationship. When my mother and father were divorced I never saw my father or his mother again.

I am beginning to realize trying to keep a bond with my GD is a losing battle. If the mother hates me there is no way her daughter is going to like me against the wishes of her mother. My DIL has all the power and sh is using her daughter to hurt me. I just don't think I can take anymore .....hurt.

Maybe the best thing I can do for self preservation is to walk away.

Invisible, don't walk away for good.  I know it's tempting, but you know you would regret that and wonder the rest of your life where she is and if she's ok.  You would worry.  You're darned if you do and also if you don't.  There is no good side to this coin...

You really need some support - FOR YOU!  You are going through something I don't understand.  I probably never will.  All I know is that you would regret giving up "forever..." 

Just take a break and give yourself some room to breathe.  Take care of yourself and find something to bring your spirits up.  Anything...  Go to the library and find some uplifting self-help books, read through Luise's "Mom Responds" site, go visit your friends and get their support and love (ask for it if you have to).

When you feel better, stronger, then call to see her.  You are fighting a battle with her mother.  A battle you have to win for her own self-esteem.  It's really a battle over whether or not your GD feels loved.  You are all she has and she may treat you in hateful ways because of her mother, but you can build your own self up to be strong.  Take all the breaks you need but take care of you!  In that process, you will find the strength to show her she is loved.  Her mother is so wrong and abusive.  GD needs to know in the most secret place in her heart that she is loved.  You can do that for her, even if she won't admit it now.  Someday she will remember you loving her so much and the glimmer of hope you planted will grow into something to remember.

I'm sorry if I sound like I think all this is easy.  I know in my heart it's not, and nobody here would blame you for turning around and giving up!  Your situation looks (and I'm sure feels) so bleak!  I hope you can survive this!  I know you don't feel strong, after all, you've lost your son and now this.  And... for all I know, you could be right.  Giving up may be all there is.  But would you always wonder about that if you did?

Take a very much needed break and just "breathe."  You need that so much and you need some love and attention "for you" now.  This is your time.  When (or if) you feel strong enough to go back in,  you'll know it and feel it.  I really hate to even tell you to take that break, but I soooo agree with Penstamen.  It really is the oxygen mask on the airplaine here.  You have to be ok first, in order to reach her. 

We are all thinking about you so much and sending you our love!

[cocobars]

Invisible, your GD needs you, but she will not appreciate your efforts, and I would say that she CAN NOT appreciate them, until she's a grown up, maybe not until she's a mom.  So in the meantime, you must not give up.

I have a suggestion for you that is currently helping my complete outlook on life.   It's based on one of those internet jokes about "what men wish women knew", the line is "if I say something to you, and you can take it 2 ways, and one of those ways makes you cry, I MEANT the OTHER way". 

I doubt that your GD sais those words to you about not knowing your son to *HURT* you, she said it because she heard it and she likely wanted to hear you refute it.  What if you took it "the other way" and just said "HA!  Of course I knew my son, who do you think brought him up, who do you think taught him to do *insert something here that he did with GD or that she admires*, who do you think helped him *whatever*?  I knew that he was a good Daddy who thought the sun rose and set for his little *nickname for her*" 

As for remembering him, I don't think it's up to HEr to ry and remember him.  It's up to YOU to remind her.  You don't need to "push" it all the time, but whenever something comes up, you talk about how he would be so proud of her, or how he did that when he was little.  Just little anecdotes and funny stories.

But whatever you do, please don't give up on her.  She's already been "abandoned" by her Dad, she's afraid that the people who love her might leave.

Scoop!  This is so true!   

She wasn't abandoned, but she may feel as if she was... 

[Scoop]

Actually Coco - it's a pretty good philosophy.  I work based on the assumption that people don't MEAN to be mean to me.  Because that way, if they're just having a bad day, or didn't mean to sound as harsh as they did, then "no harm - no foul".  And if they DID mean to be mean - well, then they didn't win, because they didn't hurt me.

We also run on the philosophy that we CAN'T read each other's mind.  It sounds stupid, but if you put it out there and BELIEVE it, then there's much fewer hurt feelings.  So if I think that my Dh should 'just know', I back it up and I tell him!  Instead of huffing around the kitchen cleaning up ALONE, I ask him for help, and he usually does, because he can't read my mind and he didn't know I wanted help.  It's awesome!

Good luck Invisible - as the brits say, keep you chin up!