second wife's DM = second rate to DH

[second wife]

BG:  I'm the second wife to a wonderful man, his first wife passed away.  He was very close to his first wife's parents (who are in excellent health & could still be here in 20-25 yrs.)  My DM has health issues & if she's lucky she'll live another 2-3 yr.

The problem is this - 

DH & his ILs insist that we spend mother's day at the ILs home.  Since I've married DH I've spent all but one Mother's Day with his deceased wife's mom.  It's all about her... DH would rather hurt me, my DS (from my ex), and my DM than upset his deceased wife's DM.

I have wanted to start our own traditions & have all the DMs to our house (my DM, his DM & deceased wife's DM); but they (DH &  his ILs) want to keep doing things the ways they've always done them. 

What would be a polite way to tell the deceased wife's parents that their insistence on keeping their traditions (which ignore the fact that I have a DM & hurts her a lot) isn't going to happen anymore?

DH has finally agreed not to ignore my DM anymore, and start a new tradition of INCLUDING everyone.

[cocobars]

Dear second wife, welcome!

It sounds like you are in the middle of a sticky situation.  So is your hubby.  Have you tried to sit him down and honestly tell him what you just stated in your post.  You sound perfectly reasonable to me.

I also can understand that he has grown an attachment to his deceased wife's family, but if he understands how you feel maybe there is some compromise you can reach.  Since you have both taken those vows to be that "team" you are now, he should be open to hearing your feelings on this and considering them.  If he doesn't want to upset his DW (deceased wife's) family, then you should also be able to talk to them - honestly.  I think they will understand the situation when it's put to them tactfully.

Their daughter has passed and they all have that common link.  Your husband may feel like he's in the middle of a tug-of-war.  It's up to you to let him know your feelings, and come up with suggestions to talk to them about it.  When (or if) you both agree to talk to them, do it as a team.  You are his new wife and although I'm sure he, and they, loved her dearly and miss her - you are his wife  now and there needs to be some consideration all the way around the circle...

Do you think you could ease into your own traditions in some way?  Also, mention your mother's health and her limited time here.  I can tell you what I've told people about mine (my parents are elderly and I'm taking care of them and their property), and people do seem to understand where I'm coming from:

My parent's time left on this earth is limited now.  I don't feel like this is "MY time" right now, but "their" time.  When they leave here, it will be MY time.  Your mother deserves to "go out" feeling loved and considered.  She needs to know before she leaves that she was very important to her children (you didn't mention your father, so I'm assuming you are all she has).  In other words, this, right now, is "her" time and making things like that convenient for her is all part of letting her know how much she means.  You have a common link with them (wouldn't they have all done that for their daughter/DW?).

Just my thought.  Let us know how you are and keep us posted...

Take care!

[2chickiebaby]

that's beautiful, Coco... :'(

[luise.volta]

"DH has finally agreed not to ignore my DM anymore, and start a new tradition of INCLUDING everyone."

Reading that at the end of your post made me think that you are well on your way to resolving the issue. It would seem to me that it is DH's job to inform everyone, especially deceased wife's parents.

[cocobars]

Just wanted to add.....

I've found that when I'm really upset sometimes my wording is off, or the tone in my voice.  People, even family get wrong impressions.  When I talk, my voice tone sometimes doesn't come across as being compassionate toward them, even though I know in my own feelings that I am.  At times like these, I write a letter to them explaining my feelings, etc.  I sleep on it, edit it a few times, and go back the next day to check it.  Sometimes I see where the wording can upset them and I change it.  Then I just leave it out where they can find it.  That's just me.  I have to find ways of getting around myself and I've found that helps.

You could try that with your husband, if this is a heated discussion.  Seeing your true feelings on paper, including how you understand him and this situation with him may just open a door for him to consider you more too!

Chickie,  thank you!  It's true though isn't it?

[2chickiebaby]

yes, it is true, Coco

[cocobars]

Luise is right.  It may not be a good idea for you to talk to them with him.  It would be viewed in a more positive way coming from your husband since he already has that link with them. 

Luise has much more experience than I do, and thinks of so many things I don't.

This was nuther compliment But true...

[luise.volta]

I just wanted to add that I have been "The Second Wife" for the last 20 years and at family gatherings have felt, metaphorically, that there has always been an empty chair at the head of the table with a black ribbon across it. I have never wanted to sit there yet, at the same time, it has been hard for me to sit on the chair marked "invisible."

My husband was married to his high school sweetheart for 54 years, after being engaged for 5 years. That's a year shy of six decades. I deeply respect that...but...

[2chickiebaby]

I want to relay something that happened to my husband yesterday, Friday.  It was so profound that it's very hard to speak of it right now.  I'm going to need some time to compose myself before I tell it.

A man whom he had not seen in years called and asked to come see him at his office.  My husband said, "of course"

So the man came in.  He was very thin and you could tell he had been sick. 

They greeted each other and the man began his story.  He asked my husband if he (my husband) had come to see him in the hospital last week?

Since my husband didn't know he was in the hospital or sick for that matter, he told him, "no, I didn't".

The man began......more later. 

Please don't think I'm crazy or anything (well, I am nuts but I'm sweet) but this thing has shaken us to the core!!

[cocobars]

I think I know what you are going to say.  I had written a post on it, but thought it might be too much for anyone to digest, so I removed it.

I'm nuts too, Chickie.  But we have huge hearts!

[cocobars]

I want to relay something that happened to my husband yesterday, Friday.  It was so profound that it's very hard to speak of it right now.  I'm going to need some time to compose myself before I tell it.

A man whom he had not seen in years called and asked to come see him at his office.  My husband said, "of course"

So the man came in.  He was very thin and you could tell he had been sick. 

They greeted each other and the man began his story.  He asked my husband if he (my husband) had come to see him in the hospital last week?

Since my husband didn't know he was in the hospital or sick for that matter, he told him, "no, I didn't".

The man began......more later. 

Please don't think I'm crazy or anything (well, I am nuts but I'm sweet) but this thing has shaken us to the core!!

I can't wait to hear the ending of this, Chickie.  You have frozen our faces to our computer screens...

[cocobars]

I just wanted to add that I have been "The Second Wife" for the last 20 years and at family gatherings have felt, metaphorically, that there has always been an empty chair at the head of the table with a black ribbon across it. I have never wanted to sit there yet, at the same time, it has been hard for me to sit on the chair marked "invisible."

My husband was married to his high school sweetheart for 54 years, after being engaged for 5 years. That's a year shy of six decades. I deeply respect that...but...

Luise, that's so sad that you have felt "invisible" for all this time.  Truth be known, you are not and I would be hard pressed to believe that your husband of 20 years feels that way.  I believe he loves you dearly after all this time...

I also think your son loved you so much, but with all the time that passed may not have known how to "go back." 

You have touched so many lives here, there are good things waiting for you.  It's just my belief from what I see with my little human eyes.   I don't know what your belief system is...

[2chickiebaby]

The man told him that he got up and passed out, his son called 9-11 and they took him to the local hospital.

While there, he died.  He heard them say, "he's gone".  He could see what the Doctor was doing...putting pads on him to jolt him back to life.  During this time, he doesn't know how long, he saw what appeared to him to be Heaven in the distance, a totally peaceful, wonderful place.

He was still on earth but while here, all the people he knew were here.  The people who had some bad traits, like bad tempers, liars, etc. were horribly exagerated like monsters.  He was terrified of them.  The people were everywhere and all their badness was worse than anything he could have ever imagined. 

He was tearing up as he told my husband about it.  He didn't mention any names but since they are in the same industry, it was apparent that they both knew who these people were.

He told my husband that there was a horrible, terrible war going on here on earth beyond anything imaginable.  He was adamant about this war going on and with people they both knew.  It seemed to him that the entire world was at battle, like being controlled by some entity.

He didn't know how long this state was but right before the Doctors paddled him back, my husband came into the room, stood by his bed and told him that everything was going to be all right.  The man really cried when he was telling this and my husband was quite emotional too.

He was suddenly at peace then. This man was an educated, non religious person.  He had no frame of reference of any kind of faith to build this on.  He said he had to tell my husband about it.

My husband is very loved in our community.  He has a way about him that brings comfort to people. 
 
I hope I wrote this so it can be understood.

[cocobars]

Oh Chickie.  My experience wasn't scary at all.  It was absolutely heavenly but I have noticed from talking to other people who pass and then come back, It is such a highly charged emotional experience that there is no way of telling anyone without the tears turning on...    Over the years (my experience being about 15 years ago) I've learned not to talk about it unless I really know someone personally.  Otherwise the twilight zone music starts up and some doctor starts chasing me with a syringe and a straight jacket!  HA!  No, I just get looks.  So now I make sure someone knows me very well before I tell them.

That was an awsome experience for him.  Another thing.  People who go through this passing and coming back experience change.  It just changes them.  I'm happy he talked to your husband.  He shared what he went through and there must be a reason for him to do that.  We don't always know why God does what he does, but there is always a reason.  It's just not always aparent right away what that reason is.  I've realized reasons for things happening to me in "hindsight" most times.  Like I said in my post last week.  It's hard to understand when you're going through it.  It wouldn't surprise me if there were a terrible evil vs. good war going on here right now.  Look at our whole world.  Do you think things have changed for good?

I left my body too.  Maybe some day I can talk about it here.  I'm just happy I found this place You and Luise started.  I feel safe and accepted here and I love that feeling.

[2chickiebaby]

I would love to hear your story, Coco.  You're among friends and are safe to do it.

I want to say that the man that this happened to is totally changed. Not that he was bad in any way but changed and is radiant in his appearance, although still weak from the ordeal.  They kept him in the hospital for 6 days.  He has started attending a local church, which he had not done before.

He came to see my husand right after he got out.  He really came to thank him for coming to the hospital.  But my husband had not gone to the hospital. The man was a little shocked since it was so real to him that my husband was there.