Has Been Stripper

[wouldratherbeincolorado]

So...  I'm 34, and I've had a baby.  My body will never be what it once was.  I have stretch marks and my skin sags around my belly.  Nothing I can do to correct this.  Problem is, I was a dancer for 4 1/2 years.  I was beautiful and my body was perfect.  Now, I'm out of shape and a little over weight.  I'm 5' 6" and weigh 150 lbs.  I wear a size 10.  My boyfriend is very concerned about appearances, though he's gained quite a bit of weight himself.  I just don't think he realizes how he looks is exactly how I look.  He's attracted to very skinny girls.  I'm kind of happy with how I am and need to be kind to myself at this point, but every time we watch a movie or go into public, he's enamored with younger skinnier women.  I don't want to seem like a nag, so I try to ignore it, but it drives me nuts.  I don't know if it is my insecure nature that quantifies my jealousy or if it is because the only thing I ever used to have power over was my looks and men as a result.  I know - sick and twisted.  But I don't know what to do.  I want to leave him half of the time for looking at other women.  I'm a very sexual person an desire affection several times a week, but he doesn't seem very attracted to me and I'm not sure why.  My mother ridiculed me about a year ago and said "but you've lived with all these different men." implying that I am sexually permiscuous.  I don't agree with her need to conform to society.  If you're happy, you're happy, if not, leave.  At the same time, I'm getting older and want to settle down. Unfortunately, I don't feel like the man I'm with is the right guy.  He seems so superficial.  I'm not that overweight, but he makes me feel like younger, tighter and prettier girls are God's gift to him.  I don't know what to do or how to feel....

[Pooh]

Welcome wrbinc.  Please read the two posts under Open Me First. One is the Forum Agreement which has to be a fit for this to work…and the other is How This Happened…our history. Thanks.

I think you already know what the answer is.  If what he is doing is making you unhappy, and you have tried to talk to him about it and getting no results, then you don't need to be with him.  If you are happy with how you look and feel, that is what matters.  Valuing yourself and being comfortable in your own skin is the most important thing.  Being loved for who you are, not what you look like is what love is all about. 

[wouldratherbeincolorado]

Good morning, Pooh, and thank you. 

I don't see the Forum Agreement in Open Me First....  Am I missing it?

[Pooh]

Umm....no, you are not missing it.  It's disappeared!  Sorry wrbic, I'm not sure what's going on with it but it looks like our forum leader did something with it over the weekend and now it's in la la land.  We will get that resolved. 

[Pooh]

Well, apparently I am also a total idiot this morning as I just realized that this was not your first post and have been told before to go read it.  Sorry girl...I promise that I am going after my second cup of coffee!

[Sassy]

I think lots of men and women check out other people, all different body types.  But they do it discreetly because they don't want to make other people feel awkward (including the skinny 22 year old with a married old man leering at her).  That is the time to remember we're ladies and gentleman.   To be considerate of the feelings of others.  DH is aware one of my exes was a hottie and definitely a certain type.   When we see that type, I have to make a moment's effort to ignore not turn my head or look that way more than once.   Though I do want to see just what's going on with it all.  Maybe steal a glance or two if DH is distracted. Sometimes DH will point him out by making the joke, "Hey Exname's here."  I'm grateful because its almost like he gives me permission to check it out for a moment.  Sometimes if we're watching the world go by, I will mention when there's a particularly attractive woman to DH.   "Hottie alert." Even if she's 180 degrees behind him and behind a pole he will immediately say "Green dress?"   Of course he didn't miss that, but I'm quietly pleased he spared me knowing he had already checked her out, until I mention it. Then it becomes shared, not threatening.  Just pointing out beauty in the world. And, the context as partners is, that I think we're both fairly confident in our attractiveness to the other. We compliment each other a lot. 

I don't like that this guy's rejecting you. 

I really don't like that he's rejecting you and making it obvious to you he is checking out other women.   

And checking them out enough to let you know how enamored he is with them, and that he thinks they find his attention such a treat.   

While he's rejecting you.

Without knowing if boyfriend is your baby's father or not, without knowing financials, or knowing you at all, but you wrote for straight talk about this topic.  So this is not advice. Just my straight up opinion about the very limited information you wrote.

The situation described sounds to me like a formula for miserable partnership marked by your lonliness and self-doubt.  The kind of slow seeping misery that will erode your own self esteem, and damage you if you stay in it much longer.   JMHO.

[Doe]

Just the risk of getting STDs would make me leave the guy.

[bdwell1904]

I can tell not so much by your words but by your tone that maybe this hurts you more than you want to acknolwedge. I know it took me a long time in a similar situation.  I stayed in that place for 18 years... for the children, because God said one marriage etc. My weight has been from 180-350 @ 5'10".  I just didn't have the tools to cope with someone who had no idea how to treat the person they "loved". One thing I do know is a jackleg is a jackleg .  If he is still hurting you and knows it, and hasn't changed ...he won't. I also know that there are men out there who will love you exactly for who you are. Men who will respect you and be faithful, I know because I found mine. I am now about 250, I still have a lot of issues with it but my DH makes me feel good for who I am . He calls me big sexy and lets me know he doesn't care he loves me for me.  If you are truly happy with yourself at this stage of life then enjoy you. What I would work on if I was you is why you find men who don't treat you the way you deserve. It took a second very bad marriage and alot of soulsearching before I figured it out, but DH makes me so glad I did . I wish you the best.

[wouldratherbeincolorado]

wow... for the past four weeks or so I've been guilt-ridden over what I posted.  That I was disgusting for having danced for a living, that most women hated me for doing what I did.  That I coulnd't say what I needed to.  That the subject line alone alienated me.  I hate myself, as it were and as it is.  I am intelligent.  but an idiot just the same.  I hate myself.  I hate everyone else.   Ok. Truth be told, I'm just scared.  I'm scared of people, women, retailers, doctors, friends and most of all family.  I don't speak to my family.

Anyway, on another note, my boyfriend hates me.  Even though I am unemployed and paying 50% of his bills, I had to take out a loan from my 401K to repair my car, fine. I get that.   but I m thoroughly convinced that he hates me.  Maybe my screwed up childhood created this. I don't know.

He still looks at me as though I'm a leech.  Even though I pay my way and half of his bills... but even that isn't enough

From a different perspective:

My at the time husband was unemployed and I gave him hell.  To this day, I regret that.  I didn't understand i didn't know what it was like to be rejected. I get that now.

[wouldratherbeincolorado]

bdwell1904

Thank you for your kind words.  I hope you are receiving the benefits from being the kind and generous person you are - oh and guess what, YOU"RE GORGEOUS!!!  Good for you for being lovely.

[pam1]

wouldratherbeincolorado, I'm sorry you feel this way.  I didn't respond b/c I wasn't sure what to say, my take was that the stripping wasn't your issue but how you felt about your appearance now. 

But since you brought up feeling badly about admitting to stripping, I will address that.  IMO and most people I know do not hold anything against strippers.  I don't think women (except some immature ones) find stripping to be as disgusting as you think.  What I find concerning is that *some* women in the profession who do not feel secure in what they do, in my research, it is largely b/c they didn't feel they had a choice and this was the only worthwhile thing they can offer.  Something in there background (largely a type of abuse) lead to this frame of mind for them.  And in that case, I do not believe they are able to handle what comes along with being a stripper.  That is what concerns me and most intelligent people I know.

I do think in order to be a dancer there should be a lot of testing for women who apply, to see if this is something they can handle and will not affect them detrimentally.  Just like a lot of jobs, 911 dispatchers, cops, military.  Dancing is a career field where mental health is very important and unfortunately our society has not caught up with that yet.

There are many, many women who danced and have become successful in other areas.  But the difference is is that they do not feel badly for doing it, they knew what they were doing, knew the score and do not feel badly about it.

I think it would be good for you to examine why you feel badly about this.  You should not be ashamed, is my take.

[pam1]

wouldratherbeincolorado, please use this thread.

Know that we are here for you. 

[Ruth]

The only thing you are suffering from, precious one, the the experience that is common to all of us, being a human being, because human being all do things they hate and are ashamed of.  Let go of your past, and don't trade all your todays and tomorrows for yesterday's remorse, it will just eat up your life and you'll incur more remorse on top of that and before you know it, the gift of your life will be over.  Its a short journey here, and we have a lot to do in a short space of time.  Remorse for yesterday isn't on our itinerary.  Loving others and yourself is..    ....leave judgment to the judge of the earth. 

[Doe]

Well, today, I had to look at the name of the thread to make sure it wasn't one of those spam type postings that appear so I may have passed it over since originally answering.

I knew a stripper once and she was a great neighbor, working her way through college.  She didn't seem to have any problem or issues with it and so we didn't but I never visited her at work.

So, WRBiC - why not just pick up and leave?  Get a fresh start elsewhere?

[Pooh]

Just for the record, I agree with Pam.  I have no problem, as a woman, with stripping as a profession.  I find it no different than an underwear model, bikini model, showgirl, etc.  To me, it's a profession and nothing more.  I do think that if you are ashamed of it, that's where the problem lies.