Confused and sad

[Nana]

I had my babysitting day during the weekdays.  I havent seen my gc since last Sunday.  I saw my gd's arm and I saw a bite on my gd's arm (she is only 3).  I asked "Honey, what happened to you on your arm...who bite you?" She said "A boy in school".  She even gave me a name.  So I asked "Did it hurt? Did you cry?  What did you do? "
She said Ï push him"".  So I just gave her a kiss in the bite.    A little later, I said to my gs "Did you see what happened to your sis in school?, And to my surprise he said.... Yes my Mom Bit her because she hurt me on my chess and it got red.   So dear ladies...I was and am in shock....  My dil bit her?  I would have never imagined that could happened.  I just know I never did such a thing to my children.  I cannot judge her (and I am doing so) but ir hurt me to the core.   Then a relative came by and asked her what happened in her arm and she repeated Ä boy in school did it.    I feel so depressed.  I told my husband and it was a mistake to do so.  He wanted to call my son and asked him about it.  I beg for him not to do it.  I know things will get bad and the good relationship we have now will vanish and I have everything to lose.  My grandchildren are my drive. 

I am sure of it now because when that was happening my dil called to see how the children where .  This grandaugher asked me to speak to her and she said to her Mom "Mommy, remember when you bit me?  I dont know what she answered but grandaughter asked again "When will the bite vanish Mommy?  Dil know I was beside her.   

Now I know that dil knows I know.  I cant do nothing about it.  I know this is not her style.  I know that maybe she just lost it and is regretting it   Eveyone has the right to make a mistake dont you think so?  My husband things I am a coward....and probably  I am but have everything to lose if I confront her. 

Help ladies.....  I want to think that this is not a big deal....is it?

Love you all

[Doe]

Oh, Nana - what a position to be in!

I would tell her what you said :

"I know this is not your style.  I know that maybe you just lost it and are regretting it   Eveyone has the right to make a mistake dont you think so?"

Make is safe for her to tell you and I'm sure she'll appreciate it.

[Nana]

Thanks Doe....

First words I hear from the outside criteria.  We being in the family cannot be objective when we are dealing with our own dear ones.  My daughter (living with me) does not judge her but tells me that she is very sad...because we adore our little ones. 

You make me feel better.

God Bless you Doe

[Doe]

(((((Nana)))))).  You've been so strong for so many of us and I'm sure you'll get some more good ideas.

I was thinking that the DIL must be upset and worried about what reaction she's going to get.  I was always able to get more information from my sons when I said that I wouldn't be mad, that I just wanted to get at the truth.  Your DIL needs some help from somebody if she's doing this to her babies you I'll bet you're the person offer that help.

[Nana]

It was a long way for dil and I to have a good relationship.  We got there and have been enjoying family time .  But I just know she doesnt like to be judged....or for family to intrude in their lives.  I know that if she knows we tell our son, she would not like it at all.    About my son, I feel he knows but now is their business to discuss their children's issues behind close doors.  Knowing my son, he must have reprimanded her but then this only they know.   

You see Doe....everything in life is perfect, until it isn't lol.   Why does something has to jump up when everything was running smoothley.    When I had problems with dil, this forum did not exist.  So now I have an advantage, I now have all you wise women to help me sort it out.

Oh God...I feel so depressed.  I am ashame to tell you about it because some of you have really hard issues to deal with compared with me....but we have been saying....pain is pain.

Love you Doe

[Pen]

Nana, thinking of you (((hugs)))

Wouldn't it have been wonderful if DIL could have come to you beforehand and said, "Nana, I'm occasionally stressed out over these kids. Is this normal?" You could have reassured her that she's a wonderful mother and that all of us moms have had rough days. Then you could have offered to be there whenever she felt she needed to call, either to talk it out or take the kids for a couple of hours. I just know you wouldn't have judged her or expected her to suck it up and go it alone.

Why do so many of us DILs/MILs feel judged by our MILs/DILs? Why aren't we sisters in all of this?

You know, maybe that's how you can handle it..tell DIL it's normal to feel like losing it every now and again, parenting is hard work and you understand! But that she can always count on you to help if need be, either to listen or take the children and give her a bit of a break. Would she be amenable to your expressions of kindness and understanding or would she feel you were patronizing or judging her?

Nana, your issues are no less important than any here. I hope no one hesitates to mention something because they think it's not as critical as what someone else is going through, because you never know when it will help someone else.

[Nana]

Dear Pen

Thanks for your kind words.  You are right in that I may speak to her (dil.,  It may take a while because I have to digest this incident.   I am acting as if nothing had happen because I dont want to lose what I have gain in our relationship.   I feel that when we get to be together again for many hours (as we usually do every other Sunday) she may bring it up and it is when I can speak and tell her that good people sometimes do not do good choices when something stresses us up. 

Lets see what happens.  I just want my grandchildren to grow emotional and physically healthy.   

God Bless you Pen....and I wish for you the best.

Love you Pen

[lancaster lady]

dear Nana,

It's a pity you overheard that conversation between your DIL and GD , or you could pretend that you didn't .
I would have said ...how on earth did xxx get that mark on her arm ?
Also had she prompted her DD with a ready made up story about the boy at school ?
I am afraid I am very protective of my GD and I would have spoken as soon as I saw the mark .
When you do meet up , I would ask your GD how her arm is in front of your DIL , and say isn't it terrible
what little boys will do , and were the school aware of the incident.
It gives her the perfect opportunity to come clean and confess , thats if she did do it .
Rather than confront her directly, I can't believe she would bite her own DD's arm !
Sending hugs ....<>

[Doe]

It can drive me mad if I think someone knows something about me but I'm not sure if they do because they don't say anything.  I would rather someone confront me if they are upset with me.  So I think Nana, you should just talk to her directly, in your own time, as you said.

[Barbie]

Dear Nana,

I wouln't want to be in your shoes right now. Not only is it bad that your DIL bit her but she's also teaching her DD to lie. I think you're doing the right thing by not rushing to ask her about the incident, I'm sure DIL is feeling pretty bad already and the fact that she knows you know is not helping. Wait a few days for things to cool off and see if she comes to you, this is not a pattern with her so even though you have every right to be sad that it happened you don't want to do anything to jeoperdice the relationship you two have now, in the meantime imagine having duct tape over your mouth, as Louise says.

I wish you luck, Nana. This too shall pass.

[Pooh]

I think Pen's approach might help you Nana.  What about asking by offering help?  Something like Pen said, "I was asking GD about her boo-boo and at first she said at school, then that Mommy bit her.  I didn't know what to say since she told 2 different stories, but I wanted you to know that if you ever need a break, I'm here to help.  I know being a Mom is hard and stressful and I want you to know I am here for you."

That opens it up for discussion if she chooses to talk, but also allows her an out if she doesn't want to.  If she doesn't, then leave it at that and just watch for more instances.  I think if she truly just had a bad moment, you will not see anything else.  If it's bad moments alot, there will be something else and then I wouldn't hesitate to approach her and DS.

You're a great Nana and I know you don't want to rock the boat after getting back into the relationship, but at the same time want to protect those GC.  That's why you are a great Nana because you think of everyone.

[pam1]

(((Nana))) My stomach just hit the floor, poor GD. 

I like Pen's approach as well.

[Rose799]

I would like to think she's ashamed & embarrassed enough that nothing like that will happen again.  Approaching her in typical "Nana" style may bring the two of you even closer, Nana.  I wouldn't wait long though.  You don't want to leave an impression that she has control over you.  Having Nana as backup?  Wow, if only we could all be so lucky!  Love you, Nana

[Nana]

Thank you all Wise Ladies.

Lancaster Lady....Yes I couldnt believe it either.  I know what you mean....I am a very confronting person but in this case....I am so scare I have to confess.  I care above all things in my gc's wellness, but I am not sure, in fact, I am almost sure they are not in danger (want to believe so).

Doe:  You just hit the nail....I would also be very uneasy if I knew someone new a close person new something bad I/ve done.  Wouldn't know how to approach her. 

Pen:  Great advice.....but as she knows that I know, she would feel I was not being direct or that I was setting her up.  Have to think about this one.

Yes Pooh, I dont want to rock the boat ....because it could even keep my grandchildren away and would not be able to see after them.

  Baarbie:  I also feel that I dont like my granddaughter to lie...but I am impressed how she is covering mom....she is only three.  Remember her brother was the one who told me first.


Pam...yes my stomach and heart felt to the floor....Today I am feeling just a little better... digesting it.

Rose-- I agree that she migh feel ashame to even bring it up.    I am glad they didnt come today (sometimes they come on Sunday) because I am not prepared yet.  Its like a process.

I love you all very much.....you are my heart sisters.  IMy husband dont want to talk about it because he felt I tight his hands in doing something.  On the other hand my daughter gets very sad ...so I only have you.  Cant vent this with other family or friends. 

I dont want to cause a bad impression on you.  I would have done something regardless of the consequences if I knew that my grandchildren were in danger...or I might be in denial. 
I will keep you posted.

Love you

[lancaster lady]

Nana .....now you've had time to think things over , I'm sure you will do the right thing. I hope it was a one off spare of the moment thing and she herself is horrified . I also hope your gd is ok and doesn't think it will happen again .who knows what goes on in their little minds.