Supremacy

[SouthernBelle]

I've been lurking, learning, and wondering. I keep seeing the word supremacy. And I think that when it's a issue that's when we seem to get into trouble. My nasty DIL is the "Sarge in Charge." And don't anyone jump on me for calling her nasty because you just don't know!

Why does someone have to rule? I never went after her. I don't even want to rule but I don't want to be treated like two cents worth of dog meat, either.

When a son or husband can't handle the battle for control over him...isn't the DIL always going to win? She holds all the cards because she has him in residence, right? If he is forced to choose, it's a no-brainer!

Did we bring them up wrong? Are there sons out there who can referee this kind of stuff? Is it even their job? Who's job is it when either his wife or his mother or both want to run the show (him)?

I can't believe my son picked this turkey. But to be honest, she was sweet as pie at first, so I guess he didn't pick a turkey, he just got one. And I don't know if he even thinks she is because she keeps making me look like the gobble-gobble. He's not dumb but I'm starting to think he's blind. Did I somehow miss the boat and teach him to do the head-in-sand thing? Did he want a mommy instead of a wife? If so, why?

I read an article that said if he wanted a bossy wife it was because he was used to a bossy mother. Aren't all mothers bossy? Wasn't that our job?

Today I think I will give him a white cane for his birthday and then move to another state. (Tomorrow, all bets are off.) Sigh...

[Prissy]

His wife will always win.  If she chooses to have us out, we'll be out.  Constant whispers of "she's looking at me funny.  She's not nice to me.  She knows I don't like brocolli, yet she fixes it, she buys me the gifts I don't like, she calls too much, she doesn't call enough.  She hates me, she ignores me."

These whispers, over time, he believes. He then, does what she says and we're gone. It's just that easy.

[Confused]

Some people are just control freaks, and the men who marry them are weak willed or insecure about being alone.  It's the same scenario when the man is being controlled by his mother- he has to allow it.

Maybe raising a son differently would have helped, who knows, irregardless it's impossible to turn back time.  All you can do is keep your heart open and not add fuel to the fire.  Pretending to like the DIL probably does help.

[Prissy]

All Mothers are somewhat controlling...no matter if it's a boy or a girl.  We have to be, we're Mothers.
The difference is when it's a daughter, she can keep contact with her Mother, not so with a son, he's gone if the DIL wants her gone.
We've tried "the being nice to the DIL".  It sometimes doesn't work.  She has a hidden agenda and no matter what we do, the agenda is carried through.

[Confused]

Prissy, I think the thing is, you have to let go of the control once they're adults.  My parents aren't controlling with me.  But again, if a man lets his wife get rid of his mother, that's a reflection on the man too.

[Prissy]

I want to make something clear, I have let go. I do not want to control my son.  My point was that a woman can keep in contact,  by phone, by visiting, etc. and her DH doesn't care.  His wife does. 

[SouthernBelle]

I didn't get that, Prissy. I don't know what you meant. I get it that you have let go of your son. But I don't know what the rest was all about; the distinction between the DIL and the Wife, etc.

It also feels to me like you haven't been one of those MILs who wanted to fight it out with your DIL any more than I did. It sounds like your DIL is the person who has the supremacy-complex (can we coin that?) all by herself.

One other thing crosses my mind after reading so many posts; are you so disappointed and crushed that you are nurturing and hanging onto and cherishing your rage and righteous indignation? That can really mess with your health and with the family that remains that wants to love and enjoy you. If that doesn't apply, don't get mad because it's just my take on it and I could be way off.

Maybe we could put Nasty and your DIL on a raft together and shove them off into shark infested waters. (Trying for a little humor, here.)

[luise.volta]

Interesting, SouthernBelle!

I've been tied up with my guy getting a "spontaneous abrasion" in his eye. He's 98 this Fall and the eye-doc says it's the surface of the eye cracking from age. Very painful.

I think you guys are onto something. Well, shark infested waters doesn't have much appeal (and I know that was the point) but I can sure relate to the rest of it.

It's the total helplessness that goes with it that gets to me. (I was going to say, "nasty stuff", but I don't want to take her name in vain.