Wondering how you gals feel

[cremebrulee]

Good Morning
Sometimes, when my son phones, our conversations are nice...other times, I feel so nervous...and babble, about nothing...I'm excited to hear from him, but, there is always a bee sting b/c of what happened...and most of the time, even though I love him with all my heart and soul...he seems like a stranger to me...someone I don't even know any more...I keep asking him if I may send him things over there, that he may need, and he rejects my offers, says he has everything...so every week I send him magazines and a few CD's, cross word puzzles, now and then...but, I don't even feel like his mother any longer...and it hurts so badly. 

I must admit, I am hurt and a bit jealous that he is closer to his step mom now, due to all this...and it's ok, in a lot of ways, I'm glad he has her...

I just feel sometimes, so sad...like my life will end, without knowing my son anymore, and like he doesn't like me anymore...and he calls, b/c his dad told him that it is important, no matter what to keep contact with his mother, so he does, but not because he wants to, yanno....

Such a wedge has been driven between us...and it's been 12 years, such a long time...I miss him so, he will always be my son, and I will always love him dearly...it just sometimes, hurts so badly...

Because his wife has made such a big stink about me, I suppose he is also embarrassed of me...his friends, say they love me, and are constantly doing nice things for me....should that be enough?  Should I believe them...?  They say they are so frustrated and angry that this has happened...are they saying that just to make me feel better...what did I do in my life time to cause this to happen.  Sometimes, I feel like I'm such a bad person for him to stay away...

I dont' get any school pictures of my GD unless he remembers to send them.  He sent me a nice bouquet of flowers for my birthday and a beautiful picture of my GD for Christmas...I should be thankful and praise God, b/c for years, there was nothing...when I cut them off...I think it was for 2 or 3 years, I can't remember anymore...

I sometimes wonder if I was a bad mom...and yet, all the kids came to our home?  I wonder if he's angry with me, b/c I allowed him to go to live with his father when he was 15?  I really thought, he'd come of age, where he needed his father's love and to get to know him again, after that awful time with his stepmother when he was 7.  And when he went to live with his dad, he came up every other weekend, even when he started driving...he came....? 

But, I know now I did wrong, by leaving him go to there to live full time...I was just so upset when he told me and didn't think straight.  I didn't think his step mother's demeaner would rub off on him, like it did...and I never ever thought, he'd get angry with me, b/c I was mad that she spoke to me so cruely...that time I bumped into them...and I told my son about it, actually yelled at him.  His step mother set me up...and said "creme, when you were there, did DIL work?"  (at that time, sometimes, she'd work a few days a month)  I said no, why, and so smuggly she said and I will never forget this..."well when we were there, she worked and we had GD all to ourselves all day".  Man oh man did that cut deep.  That hurt so badly...I can't tell you...and my son refuses to see this...and excuse it, and that hurts even more, that it didn't bother him one bit that she said that to me...why?  Why, what did I do in my lifetime to deserve this. 

School was starting up in a few weeks and it never ever occured to me to ask him if he would go there for summer, and I would have him every other weekend...and then come back in the winter to go to school....I was so young, and always wanted to do what was best for him, what would make him happy...I never wanted him to feel like we were playing tug of war with him...

He himself has estranged from me...is this how my life ends?  Will I never get to know my GD?  When he is home, he makes certain she calls....I can't call her, b/c my DIL won't answer the phone, for many years, years..I phoned her and she never answered or returned my calls, unless I would mention it to him...am I wrong for not calling my GD anyway, wrong for not trying...I fear rejection...fear her not answering...hate the idea of even talking to her...asking her for permission...am I wrong? 

I fear sending my GD anything...b/c she threw stuff away....did my GD even receive half of the packages I was sending every month?  I know when my son was there and if the packages arrived, my GD got them....but what about all those other times, when he wasn't there? 

My son, gets really angry with me, if I send him an email, or when I used to call and leave messages for him....I'd ask him if he got them...reason being, is, I know in the very beginning when they got married, she used to erase the messages.  I didn't trust her anymore, to allow my son to even receive messages from me.  I don't trust sending my GD anything unless it's her birthday or Christmas....I used to send her all kinds of things...little gifts, games, money, a lot of cloth...

My son doesn't understand, once someone lies to you, or erases messages, you don't trust them any more...and yes, that was a long time ago, but she never said she  was sorry, that she wouldn't do that again...she yelled at me for not calling her, then when I do, she never answers her phone??  What the heck am I supposed to do?

One gal at work who knows the situation was beaming from ear to ear....she had such a wonderful weekend with her little GD, and was telling me about it...and I was so happy for her...all of a sudden she got this horrified look on her face and started to cry, and said..."Oh my God, Creme, I'm so so sorry"....and I started to cry, and said..."my gosh, please don't do that, please don't feel like you can't share the joy of your family with me...please....I love to hear it....and about your children and Grand Children"....she knows I haven't seen my son and GD in over 3 years, except on web cam. 

I'm sorry, just having a bad day...I miss them so much....

Can't tell you how many times, I'd prayed for a DIL before my son was married...couldn't wait for him to have a family, to have a daughter, and grand children....I was so happy for him when he told me he had gotten her a ring...our lives were so normal then, so peaceful...

We spoke this past Sat. and he wasn't really happy, and he hung up pretty quickly...and I felt like he didn't really want to be talking to me, he just calls, b/c he feels like he must....he cut the call short...and being his mom, was I just simply a vessel to bring him into this world, and that's it?

do you know he blames this on the fact that when this started happening I was upset, going thru a divorce...so, that is his reasoning for this, that I wasn't myself, and his wife did nothing to cause this??

It's so hard not to covet wanting a family, when all my friends speak of they're son's, DIL's and Grand Children...it's just so darn hard sometimes girls...

Thanks so much for you and this website....sometimes, it's ok...I'm great, and I'm ok with it, and other times, not....

Sorry, guess I just shouldn't think about this so much...I just can't help but think that I was a terrible mom, for my son to have allowed all this to happen?  I mean, if anyone would have tried to hurt my mom, like that, step mom or not, I would have gone to her and told her, "Don't you EVER talk to my mom like that again....EVER....!  But, my son wants a family, and they are his family now...and he does have step brothers and a sister, he's an uncle...I couldn't give him any of that....

He doesn't know what his step mother did when we were going thru that custody battle, he was only 7 years old at the time...he has no idea what his father's attorney called me and said to me when we were both coming out of the bathroom, after the hearing...I couldn't write those words here....it was awful...and I cried and cried for weeks thereafter....he doesn't know that his father refused to give me any kind of decent support....we agreed mutually to 25.00 per week...which was something, I didn't care, I just wanted his father to give something....and he doesn't know that his father refused to help with his braces...and other medical bills...

When I told them I wanted some financial help, his step mother yelled in front of the attorneys, "See, I knew she was going to do that!"  I didn't want money as much as I tried to set something up that his father would help with half the medical bills...but they refused....so, I settled out of court, for $25.00 a week...it wasn't much, but I wanted his father to be responsible for something...and I couldn't mentally go thru another court battle, the custody suit took all I had, both mentally and physically...it was frightening and it went on for 2 years...awful...scary...

I don't even know that he knows that his father sided with his step mom...and even the court appointed psycologist told them both that no child should be talked to like she talked to him, and no child should be hit and slapped across the face...they never admitted to me, that they were both sorry, but at least she talked with my son and told him she was very sorry and she would never do that again, if he came back there to live.  Well, he didn't go for many years...but then his father told him he would buy him a car...and he could have a horse....I couldn't give him those things...and maybe that is why he went back to their town to live with them?  I don't know? 

How much atonement must one endure?  Most of the time, I'm strong, but that dark cloud is always there...always there...

I'm sorry, I don't mean to depress anyone...you guys are all like family and if anyone would understand, I feel like you all would.

Thank you for being here, and for this website...it is a God sent...and I do feel like your all family....thank you

[2chickiebaby]

Dear Creme,
It's not a matter of assigning blame....you're no more to blame than the rest of us.  We did our best and that's all anyone can do.

The thing is...your DIL came into your life and acted like a B****.  You could not go into her life and act like that!  It's a matter of being done wrong and now, in spite of everything we're/you're paying the price of a selfish little brat who has decided to whisper little tid bits into your son's ear about how bad you are.

If anyone can get past that and come out okay, they are stronger than I am.  Please don't tell me that the DILs could not do that, they can and do.  It's WHAT they do....it's like a job to them.

If you get a DIL who is insecure and a brat, you're out.  That's the bottom line.  It's almost like taking a gun and shooting us.  I just wish they had.  It would have been kinder.

According to the hate sites, and yes, I know I should read them, there is virtually nothing we can do that's right....nothing. 

[cremebrulee]

Dear Creme,
It's not a matter of assigning blame....you're no more to blame than the rest of us.  We did our best and that's all anyone can do.

The thing is...your DIL came into your life and acted like a B****.  You could not go into her life and act like that!  It's a matter of being done wrong and now, in spite of everything we're/you're paying the price of a selfish little brat who has decided to whisper little tid bits into your son's ear about how bad you are.

If anyone can get past that and come out okay, they are stronger than I am.  Please don't tell me that the DILs could not do that, they can and do.  It's WHAT they do....it's like a job to them.

If you get a DIL who is insecure and a brat, you're out.  That's the bottom line.  It's almost like taking a gun and shooting us.  I just wish they had.  It would have been kinder.

According to the hate sites, and yes, I know I should read them, there is virtually nothing we can do that's right....nothing.

Thnaks Chickie, for not only reading, but  for replying as well...
I know your right, and it's so easy for me to see the problems of others in a different light...but, it's just so hard sometimes...
so very hard...

again, many many thanks for the comfort of your post...and the support...

[2chickiebaby]

You're welcome, Creme......it's so hard!!!  Mean DILs, whether they work outside the home or not, have a job.  That one is extricating their husband from his Mother.

It's what they do for a living.

[cremebrulee]

You're welcome, Creme......it's so hard!!!  Mean DILs, whether they work outside the home or not, have a job.  That one is extricating their husband from his Mother.

It's what they do for a living.

LOL, yanno, your right....I never thought of it like that...but yeah, you are right....

[2chickiebaby]

I wish Luise would tell us about her DIL...that would help a lot for us to learn.  Luise?

[cremebrulee]

It's so hard when our dils main focus in life is to get rid of sons family.  and really, how can we make sure it doesn't happen?  Creme, going thro divorce, & a two year custody battle, I don't think I could do it . You are a very strong person & I admire that strenght in you !!

Thanks Anna, but I'm not really that strong actually...I put on this facade, acting like a bull...but inside, I could a lot of times, just cry and cry...but I don't...I won't...although, this past Christmas I did, not much...but b/c he's over in Afghanistan, I guess it hit home....

Do you cry much?

[luise.volta]

Well, what I can tell you is that I'm glad you can come here, Creme, on a day when the monsters come out from under the bed to get you, so we can help you sweep them away into the trash and hopefully, dump them. We all know how dark it gets when they fill the room and shut out the light. To be able to speak of the experience right in the middle of it, and to be heard and comforted, isn't resolution but it can let the light back in. That's what you are constantly doing for others on this site. Aloneness backs off, yet again. And sometimes the past recedes and then the present can contain something more than pain. The pain doesn't stop...but it gets diluted...and we turn toward the Light.

My eldest son is dead. And he was making "duty" calls right up until sleep apnea took him at age 52, ten years ago. He/we didn't even know it was serious, much less deadly. There were duty visits and duty gifts...and I took the crumbs and wondered how something so right, so precious, so solid-appearing for so many years..could turn into something so pitiful and so false. So empty.

My DIL didn't turn my son against me. He did that all by himself, in his teens. Shooting a mother down is like shooting fish in a barrel. There's nothing to it. We're so vulnerable, so trusting and so naive. We think our best can't help but be seen in the right light. We think our love can't help but be seen as pure. We think our mistakes are human and can't help but be forgiven.

Sometimes yes, sometimes no.

My DIL loved every minute of it. She hated her mother and was way into the "Somebody Done Me Wrong Song..." before they were drawn to each other like two magnets. She was heavily into "duty" stuff, too. Insincere smiles, meaningless gestures; back-stabbing that I didn't understand and wasn't capable of returning. And when he died, ONE WEEK after he died, she sent me a hate letter blaming me for even problem he ever had and painting me as the most evil, neglectful, vicious mother on earth.

What I have learned may not be what others need to learn. I have learned that it doesn't do me any good to go back over it...all of it...looking for clues as to why our relationship disintegrated the way it did and ended as it did. I have learned not to play it over and over because it never makes sense and it never comes out any differently. I know I made mistakes due to my youth and my own insecurity all those years ago. Show me the perfect mother. I know that I didn't deserve what I got. I can explain but only to myself. I can justify but it doesn't change a thing. I can see, in retrospect, where I could have done better, but that's who I was then...and that's what I did.

The dad who tortured him, psychologically, turned out to be the good guy. The Holy Father. I did everything I could to protect my son from his contempt and neglect and he ended up the "winner."

What I have learned is that we can't go back. We need to feel it and face it, though. We can't sweep it under the rug. There's no rug big enough. We need to share it and nearly die of it, to let it go. And when we pick it up again...we have to go through letting it go, again. We need others who will listen and care. No one can fix it. We can't fix it. We had hopes and dreams. We fought the good fight and lost and we don't even know how that happened. We're not naive any longer, we're beaten. Why is pain called self-pity? I have learned that it doesn't matter what it's called.

No two stories are the same. How could they be? But it looks to me, at times, like the same solution works for most of us. There is life after parenting...but only if we create it. It may not be grand-parenting. It may not look like we thought it would. It may not even appeal, but we are still alive and well and and "it ain't over, 'til it's over." There is life after documentation that we have been treated unfairly and cruelty. There is life after others get away with committing horrendous wrongs and we get trashed because our best wasn't good enough.

And as long as there is life...there's hope...

[2chickiebaby]

Thank you for recounting it, Luise.  Painful as it is/was, it is a lesson for all of us.  Just getting through days is often crippling. 

Shooting a Mother is amazingly easy. 

[cremebrulee]

Well, what I can tell you is that I'm glad you can come here, Creme, on a day when the monsters come out from under the bed to get you, so we can help you sweep them away into the trash and hopefully, dump them. We all know how dark it gets when they fill the room and shut out the light. To be able to speak of the experience right in the middle of it, and to be heard and comforted, isn't resolution but it can let the light back in. That's what you are constantly doing for others on this site. Aloneness backs off, yet again. And sometimes the past recedes and then the present can contain something more than pain. The pain doesn't stop...but it gets diluted...and we turn toward the Light.

My eldest son is dead. And he was making "duty" calls right up until sleep apnea took him at age 52, ten years ago. He/we didn't even know it was serious, much less deadly. There were duty visits and duty gifts...and I took the crumbs and wondered how something so right, so precious, so solid-appearing for so many years..could turn into something so pitiful and so false. So empty.

My DIL didn't turn my son against me. He did that all by himself, in his teens. Shooting a mother down is like shooting fish in a barrel. There's nothing to it. We're so vulnerable, so trusting and so naive. We think our best can't help but be seen in the right light. We think our love can't help but be seen as pure. We think our mistakes are human and can't help but be forgiven.

Sometimes yes, sometimes no.

My DIL loved every minute of it. She hated her mother and was way into the "Somebody Done Me Wrong Song..." before they were drawn to each other like two magnets. She was heavily into "duty" stuff, too. Insincere smiles, meaningless gestures; back-stabbing that I didn't understand and wasn't capable of returning. And when he died, ONE WEEK after he died, she sent me a hate letter blaming me for even problem he ever had and painting me as the most evil, neglectful, vicious mother on earth.

What I have learned may not be what others need to learn. I have learned that it doesn't do me any good to go back over it...all of it...looking for clues as to why our relationship disintegrated the way it did and ended as it did. I have learned not to play it over and over because it never makes sense and it never comes out any differently. I know I made mistakes due to my youth and my own insecurity all those years ago. Show me the perfect mother. I know that I didn't deserve what I got. I can explain but only to myself. I can justify but it doesn't change a thing. I can see, in retrospect, where I could have done better, but that's who I was then...and that's what I did.

The dad who tortured him, psychologically, turned out to be the good guy. The Holy Father. I did everything I could to protect my son from his contempt and neglect and he ended up the "winner."

What I have learned is that we can't go back. We need to feel it and face it, though. We can't sweep it under the rug. There's no rug big enough. We need to share it and nearly die of it, to let it go. And when we pick it up again...we have to go through letting it go, again. We need others who will listen and care. No one can fix it. We can't fix it. We had hopes and dreams. We fought the good fight and lost and we don't even know how that happened. We're not naive any longer, we're beaten. Why is pain called self-pity? I have learned that it doesn't matter what it's called.

No two stories are the same. How could they be? But it looks to me, at times, like the same solution works for most of us. There is life after parenting...but only if we create it. It may not be grand-parenting. It may not look like we thought it would. It may not even appeal, but we are still alive and well and and "it ain't over, 'til it's over." There is life after documentation that we have been treated unfairly and cruelty. There is life after others get away with committing horrendous wrongs and we get trashed because our best wasn't good enough.

And as long as there is life...there's hope...

Ohhhh Luise, my eyes are so tear filled....I wish that no one, would know what you have gone thru....and I'm hugging you...not just b/c you have helped me in this post...but b/c of what you've experienced and to know that you know....I've often said, I hate who I've become b/c of this...and you understand...yes, the innocence and belief is gone...never to return...although, maybe in a different way, a stronger way...sometimes I feel it....do you?

I'm so sorry you and yours have had to live this...and I thank you for taking the time to read and post....your words are comforting and caring...

thank you
Creme

[RedRose]

Creme,

Nothing you did caused this to happen...you raised your son the best you
could...with love and support. You are his Mother and nothing his stepmother or your dil can say or do will change that.

The fact your son calls you...shows he still cares. You know that. He will make sure you know your GD.

Even though, I hope they wake up sooner...your dil will one day be a mil and your son a fil...then, they will understand that how they treated you was so wrong...so hurtful.

[cremebrulee]

Creme,

Nothing you did caused this to happen...you raised your son the best you
could...with love and support. You are his Mother and nothing his stepmother or your dil can say or do will change that.

The fact your son calls you...shows he still cares. You know that. He will make sure you know your GD.

Even though, I hope they wake up sooner...your dil will one day be a mil and your son a fil...then, they will understand that how they treated you was so wrong...so hurtful.

Thank you hun....

[Sassy]

Creme your son does love you.  Your son loves you. 

The relationship he has with his step-mother sounds not unlike the relationship he has with his wife.  With the same inability to acknowledge how their cruelties hurt you.   Especially with his step-mother, it appears to be hard for him to acknowledge how their cruelities have hurt him.

Your son cannot protect you from the women in his life who hurt you.   But yet I know he does not want you to be hurt, by them or anyone!    They hurt him, too, sometimes.    It hurts him too much to acknowledge it, so if he pretends it's not happening, he doesn't have to feel that pain.  For you or for himself.  He has limits, as we all do, and does what he can to make it through.

He loves you, creme.   The calls may feel like duty calls, but he makes them because he wants to.  He needs to feel that connection to you.  It may be awkward.  It may be strained.  It may feel stiff.   But he loves you.  And he feels your love.

For whatever reason, he had to be attracted to his step-mil-like wife in order to create your granddaughter.  There are parts of you in your granddaughter that carry on, carry through.  I'm sorry you don't get to see her!  But you are influencing and a part of that little girl, whether you're there or not.

My maternal grandmother died when my own mother was barely a teenager; obviously, I never met her.  Her sisters (my great aunts) were always taken aback after spending time with me.  How I looked like her, acted like her, moved like her, spoke like her.  One of the great aunts even accidentally called me her nickname sometimes, without thinking.  It felt like a tremendous honor.  Yet it is remarkable how traits can and do carry through generations.

I don't have children, but as I read your words I still know your feelings of second-guessing and what ifs.  Sometimes at work I get so overwhelmed.  I almost always second-guess the work I did.  I wonder what my bosses and superiors think of me, and my work.  I want them to see talent in me.  I want job security in this economy.  And when a project is completed, is precisely when I think of 10 different things I could have done "better."   So after practicing, I have learned to let go and relax.  And accept.  I did what I could do when I did it, it's done, and that's all there is to the story.  There is no "could have done this" because it doesn't exist.  I have to say to myself "You did the best you could do.  You worked overtime, you did the research, you covered the bases, and there was nothing more you knew or had to give at that time." 

You loved your son raising him, and you loved him growing up.  You did your best.  There's no way a woman like you - with your love, your caring, your thought process, your everything - didn't do your best.  You gave 100%.  There is no 101%. You didn't share with the child him how his father and step-mother hurt you, because you are mature and that's the right thing to do.  You may feel like it cost you now, but it may well have cost you more if you had.  You did the best you could with what you had, and that's all anyone can do.  You did it with love.  And you did do a good job, Creme.  I think your son goes to bed at night feeling he's doing what he should be doing.

It may not feel like it.  And your feelings are yours and they are real.  But Creme I promise you, your son loves you.  More than you'll ever know.

[2chickiebaby]

Creme, Sassy's words are the sweetest things!!!  Treasure them.. :'(

[Pen]

Thank you, Sassy - I think your post will help many of us.