FB troubles with DIL

[grama2four]

Hello Everyone,

I am new here so this is my first post. I am here because of the problems FB has currently posed between my DIL and my self.  I am now trying to figure out how to apologize.

My DIL mother of three of my grandchildren has been posting  her  parties and phone #  inviting all to join. She then posts drunk photos of herself that are extremely inappropriate and trashy.



She also posted a picture of a porn channel with a comment that said "my son is a pervert" every time he gets the remote he goes to this channel. I was outraged when I saw this as  my grandson was 18 months old ( turns two in Dec) and she's calling him a pervert.

I kept quiet with no comments but couldn't take it any more  but she continually keeps posting inappropriate stuff. so I wrote her a private message on FB a month ago.

I told her that I loved her and have always been proud of the mom that she is to my grandkids but that lately I have been concerned with the things she's posting on FB. This is  new behavior for her she  was very responsible  and a very Good Mom.  It's like we don't know who she is anymore.

I told her that the post about my grandson was inappropriate and that it reflected adult behavior and had no place on FB. I also urged her and my son to be responsible role models for the kids. I said what if they see this stuff ( she opened a FB acct for my 8 yr old Grandtr) . I also asked that if your going to drink and have parties please don't do it around the kids.

Well her response was that of outrage and cussing. She told me it was none of my business and that just because she was an adult doesn't mean she can't have fun. She said I take care of my children and besides they are always in bed when we party. I know her and my son are adults and as much as I want to protect my grandkids from certain things I can't.

An odd twist is now my youngest son won't talk to me ( my DIL is married to my oldest son) because she told him about the letter I wrote and he also goes to the parties.

I now find myself in a position to make things right. I only commented on what was posted on FB. in my opinion once you post your business on face book it then becomes everyone's business and posts are made in hopes to receive comments. Well I have learned a valuable lesson Pray more Comment less.  I am just struggling with how to approach my apology. 

Sorry this is so long

grama2four

[sesamejane]

Well, I don't know grama2four...it sounds as if these folks don't have a clue...

I have to say that I have commented to my children when they have posted something inappropriate.  My comments have been along the line of how damaging it could be to them; "folks might get the wrong idea"sort of thing.  My comments were quite brief and private; maybe two lines.  I have also said that I might have to 'defriend' them because of the embarrassment I felt.  They responded positively in the sense that I haven't seen anything since then.  But like I said, I kept it very very brief and emphasizing concern for them.

I also have to say that I would be alarmed too that a grown women is publicly announcing her small child has access to significant pornography.  Hmmm.... aren't there laws about that?  Having worked in a facility that housed young men who had committed sex crimes I can say that in most cases they were incarcerated as a result of 'misinformed' behavior.  They had access to pornography at young ages and did not understand the boundaries, rules, laws and did something stupid.  So, yes, it is a worry.  BTW, one of those young boys contacted me recently, and he completely turned his life around.  I knew him when he was 15, and he is now 30.  He is married with a child, works hard, and has nothing to do with his foo.  He's a wonderful young man. 

Unfortunately, you can't do anything about controlling dil or ys.  This will come back to bite them on the behind one way or the other.  Let's pray sooner rather than later!!  I don't think you owe anyone an apology. But that's just me.  I think these "adults" needed a reality check!!

But keep reading; there are wonderful and wise women on this site.   Welcome!  You are not alone....

[Pooh]

Welcome grma2four.  I split your post and gave it it's own topic.  First - Please read the two posts under Open Me First. One is the Forum Agreement which has to be a fit for this to work…and the other is How This Happened…our history. Nothing wrong with your post, just something we ask all new members to do.  Thanks.

I totally understand your concern.  We hate to see our AC making bad decisions and we worry about the affect on the GC.  Partying while your children are in bed is no better than when they are awake.  If one of them woke up with a medical emergency, who would take care of them?  What if they just woke up and came walking in to see inappropriate behavior?  Posting that your 18 month old is a pervert, even if it was meant to be funny....well, IMO...I see nothing funny about that either.  So all your concerns are very valid.

The downside, which you are already aware of is that it is her page and she is an adult.  Unless you have actual proof they are mistreating the GC, there really isn't anything you can do about it.  She can say or post whatever she wants.   

What about your OS?  What did he have to say about it?

[Pooh]

Also, if you have porn channels on your television, I don't know of any of them that doesn't have a parental locking system to keep that from happening.  I'm all about kids will be kids and get into all kinds of mischief.  More than likely, he has played with the remote and hit that channel and she has come running with squeals and now he finds it funny to do it every time.  Kids are smart.  It probably started out very innocently and is now a game.

I also have now read Jane's post and I agree....I don't think I would apologize either.  I think you were doing what any concerned GP would do. 

[grama2four]

Thank you Jane and Pooh for responding to my post so quickly.

I don't feel sorry for what I said in the letter I wrote to dil as it was written with concern and not at all done in an angry or ugly way. I did let her know I was very concerned as of late. I also don't feel I delved into her private business as accused  because she posted it and didn't hide it from me.

After I sent her the letter she posted again on FB why can't people mind their own blankety business.  She has never been the warm and fuzzy type but we've always gotten along and have been cordial to one another. She let's me take my grandkids for a week or more at a time . My oldest son her husband hasn't said anything about this. I have spoke with him since I've written the letter and neither of us has spoke of it.  He doesn't say or do anything that may upset her. he is not on FB.

My oldest son is like me I guess as I don't normally say anything to anyone. i figure it's their life but, my gc are my world and i am concerned. my childrens father and i never drank and they weren't exposed to much alcohol anywhere. I feel disappointed in my son for allowing this. I wish he'd be more responsible.

Yes I am very concerned that the children may wake to see something inappropriate I would feel better if they were with a sitter.  I am more pressed to apologize for three reasons # 1 I simply don't like disord in the family and don't like any one to be mad at me as I like peace. # 2 Fear of not seeing my gc ( we are currently out of state while this mess is going on) #3 I hope an apology will bring my youngest son back around.

my sister also feels as grama, mom and mil I had a right to say something...I am so wracked with guilt for causing a problem. my DH feels she responded outrageously because it was her defense mechanism to justify her actions. I was simply voicing my opinions and views on what she posted.

I have a letter ready to send with an apology....hmmmm what to do

[Doe]

Hey Grama-

You are wondering what to say?  I suggest you say - "I apologize for hammering you about your FB posting!  I realize your life is yours and I think the best thing is for us to 'unfriend' each other.   If I keep reading your posts, I'm going to freak out even more.  Hope we can still be friends in real life."

What she's doing is so gross but you just don't know what goes on behind closed doors and frankly, I don't want to know, sometimes!  If you feel the kids are in danger you can call Social Services, but that would be so extreme - I hope it doesn't come to that.  If you can stay friendly with her away from the Internet, you can maybe keep an eye on the kids.

[grama2four]

Doe you made laugh which i needed. that was really good.  Thank you

[Pooh]

I would say the answer lies within you.  If you think they are just making bad parenting decisions or parenting decisions different than what you would chose, then send your apology.  If you think they are truly putting the children in danger, then I wouldn't apologize.  I personally would feel more guilty about not speaking up if I thought my GC were in true danger than if I did.

[Doe]

You're welcome for the laugh - but I did mean it!  I little levity may disarm her and not seeing the running commentary of her life may be better for you.    My parents would not have been able to look me in the eye if they knew some of the stuff I did - not when I had kids, but before.  Some things, I think it's better to not know.

Unless, you really think the kids are in danger.

[tryingmybest]

What I don't get is WHEN did we lose our rights to express legitimate opinions! geez Louise...I'm sorry I don't think you have anything to be sorry for. I would say something like "I'm sorry you got upset" , and iit would be better if we unfriended each other to prevent any future misunderstandings. then let her apologize to you gor her totally inappropriate reaction.

[tryingmybest]

Don't want to hammer your DIL, but what she posts could affect her ability to get a job, or her husbands job prospects. you ask any lawyer or human resource director everyone checks out facebook postings when making hiring decisions or in legal proceedings. If someone leaves one of their parties, hammered and gets into a wreck and kills themselves or someone else, those FB posts can be used to show a pattern of negligent behavior that could leave both of them on the hook for massive legal judgements. You are looking out for their well being As well as the welfare of your grandchild, and you communicated your concern in a private respectful way and if your DIL can't appreciate it she is a full bulbs short of a full garlic clove. 

[Doe]

"I sorry you got upset" is a dig, though.    The person saying it usually isn't sorry at all that the person got upset.

[tryingmybest]

Oh I'm  aware of that, but actually I'm sure she is sorry her DIL got upset and went off the way she did. No one wants to have that level of family controversy. I just think there are times you have to say what needs to be said, and if people get angry that's their choice. I guess this hit a sore spot for me. Two years into the MIL role I'm noticing that I am just swallowing legitimate opinions in fear of alienating the DIL. Now this has nothing to do with their marriage it has to do with demands and expectations being made of ME!  she is not the boss of me nut she sure as heck thinks she should be!

[lancaster lady]

Grama :

Something you said jumped right out at me ..''My son is not on FB ''  !!
Perhaps he has no idea what she is writing , don't you think you should put him in the picture ?
He might be horrified at what she's printing .
Do not send that letter , if you do , you are giving her free gratis to continue .
Maybe this should be stopped now before something serious happens , and yes I think you should discuss it with him .
About time he joined the party !

[Doe]

I thought the son was a party guy, too.

Hey, the DIL sounds pretty crass to me, but it's her prerogative to post whatever she wants on her FB page.  Grama should unfriend her is it's offensive, I think. 

I think the issue is whether the kids are actually in danger or not.  Kids around the world are raised in so many different ways and make it to adulthood.  A MIL can't dictate that the GKs are raised a certain way, imo.