Author Topic: My Son wont let me see my new born 1st grandchild  (Read 3855 times)

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diannee

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My Son wont let me see my new born 1st grandchild
« on: September 07, 2011, 03:24:54 PM »
Hope someone has some advice to give me as i feel very alone with this problem,  over 3 yrs ago I had a row with my son and his then new french girlfriend, they then dissapeared and went to live in Spain, i tryed in every possible way to say sorry and make it up to him, but all i got was abuse back and told to **** off and leave him alone, then in jan this yr i recieved a email saying that they were having a baby and he wanted to put the family back together again to which i was overjoyed, but to no avail, he never contacted me again and when i tried to contact him he again was extremely nasty, then on the 29/8/11 i got a phone message to say they had a little boy and that he would like me to see him, i couldnt wait and was over the moon, but again when i tried to ring him he turned nasty and said that they would give me a opportunity to see him if i left them alone and didnt cross the line. I know that the original arguement was not good but it was over something so petty that it should have been dealt with ages ago. But i am heart broken that i will never get to see my grandson, dont know what to do , just feel like running away.

Offline Doe

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Re: My Son wont let me see my new born 1st grandchild
« Reply #1 on: September 07, 2011, 04:37:17 PM »
Hi Diannee.

Being a new GM I don't really have any seasoned advice but I have 2¢ I can throw in.

If I see that someone is trying to manipulate me, I generally end it somehow.    Who knows what your son is doing, but it sounds confused and childish.    I hope you won't let him keep you on his emotional yo-yo.  It's great to have a GB but I wouldn't sacrifice my integrity just to maybe, possibly be able to see him. 

I have a DIL who can be insufferable and I fully expect that she'll temper my GB's opinion of me but whadda ya gonna do?  They are together 24/7 and I'm 1000 miles away.   

I'm here to remind you that you still have you and your life and you can still find people who will accept your love.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: My Son wont let me see my new born 1st grandchild
« Reply #2 on: September 07, 2011, 05:29:47 PM »
Welcome - I second what Doe said 100%. Sending love...
"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)

Offline jill

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Re: My Son wont let me see my new born 1st grandchild
« Reply #3 on: September 07, 2011, 06:45:45 PM »
Hi Dianee,
Welcome to WWU.  I just wanted to let you know I feel your pain, but your son is holding all the cards, and there is not much you can do about it.  Why not send a gift for the baby, tell them you would like photos.   Hopefully they will come around in time, it is harder still to know your grandchild and not be allowed to see them.
Best wishes...........Jill

Offline Pooh

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Re: My Son wont let me see my new born 1st grandchild
« Reply #4 on: September 07, 2011, 07:24:31 PM »
Welcome Dianee and so sorry.  I know it's hard, but you have to let them stop abusing you.  They still are by telling you about the birth and then being nasty the next second.  That's the ultimate cruelty.  You can't control them, but you can control what you will allow them to do to you.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Pen

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Re: My Son wont let me see my new born 1st grandchild
« Reply #5 on: September 07, 2011, 07:26:15 PM »
Welcome. Dianee. I'm sorry you are in pain over this. I hope you can find a way to move forward, and perhaps in time your son will come around. Unfortunately it is in his hands. This is a great site, lots of wisdom and comfort here.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline forever spring

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Re: My Son wont let me see my new born 1st grandchild
« Reply #6 on: September 07, 2011, 11:08:49 PM »
You can't control them, but you can control what you will allow them to do to you.
I agree with Pooh.
So sorry to hear about your pain. Of course you long to hold the baby, after all it is part of you. Small consolation , your GC will not remember being held by you and when he is older and can remember you as a caring grandmother you will be there for him.
If you did a scrapbook about your life from the day he was born. It may be a valuable source of comfort for the little boy when he is a lot older.
I'm away from my GK's at the moment (3 and 1 year). I'm doing this in the hope that in years to come it will be appreciated.
But the longing is intense and nobody can take this away from you.
Here is hoping that you'll see him soon but in your own time and with happiness and joy.

diannee

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Re: My Son wont let me see my new born 1st grandchild
« Reply #7 on: September 08, 2011, 04:26:16 AM »
Thankyou all so much for your kind replies, i felt so alone with this problem , but it helps to know that other people can understand how i feel.  Yes in reply I know my son is a bully from the things he has done to me in the past, and i know that now it has to stop, i am not going to put up with this behaviour in the hope that i might get to see my grandson, its so wrong, you see im a widow and i was left in my thirties to raise 3 children, i have devoted my life to them and for 20yrs i never went out, but 8yrs ago i met a lovely man and we married, and i do think that a lot of this with my son comes from that, but he is a grown man of 32 with a family of his own and he has to realise he can no longer maniplulate or bully me any more, so today i am going to compose a sensible but honest letter to him and if it means that i dont get to see my gs then there really isnt anything more i can do. once again thx for opening my eyes, and making me realise what i should have done a long time ago. Maybe in the future my gs will come to me of his own accord, who knows, but i will get on with my own life. 

Offline Rose799

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Re: My Son wont let me see my new born 1st grandchild
« Reply #8 on: September 08, 2011, 06:12:01 AM »
Hello & welcome,  Many of us feel your pain, Dianne.  Keep reading & posting, it will bring you strength & comfort.  I'm glad you're here...

Offline pam1

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Re: My Son wont let me see my new born 1st grandchild
« Reply #9 on: September 08, 2011, 07:41:33 AM »
Welcome Dianne :)  Please read the Forum Agreement in the category Open Me First, we ask all new members to do so not b/c there is anything wrong with your post :)

I echo the others, it's time to do something nice for yourself!
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Offline Ruth

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Re: My Son wont let me see my new born 1st grandchild
« Reply #10 on: September 08, 2011, 07:52:11 AM »
You are getting some really nasty, hard core bad treatment and I am sorry you are having such a painful ordeal!   Your advice from Pooh and the others I totally agree with, and I hope that as the advice and support is coming from comrades, (others going through the same pain and disappointment) that it will make it easier to accept.  If you read my past posts, you will see that I also have a very very long history with being rejected and badly treated by my DS, however there are no grands involved.  Stay with the ladies here and keep reading posts.  This has helped me get a life and get out from under the debilitating depression I had over my DS's rejection of me.  You can't fix this and your actions have not caused it.  In time you may know more reasons as to what is at the root of the problem. 

Offline lancaster lady

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Re: My Son wont let me see my new born 1st grandchild
« Reply #11 on: September 08, 2011, 10:10:44 AM »
Hi Dianee and Welcome !
Hold on to the fact that he wanted to share his good news with you .The downside is that it will be on
his terms if  and when you see your new GC , this is where we are helpless I'm afraid .
Send a gift and card and wish them well and stand back , any other words of contact might come back and knock
you for six , as does your phone calls .
Detach and wait . Good Luck , and congrats Grandma !

Purple Room

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Re: My Son wont let me see my new born 1st grandchild
« Reply #12 on: October 24, 2011, 11:40:05 PM »
One the one hand I know exactly how gut wrenchingly bad it feels to not be allowed to see your grandchildren.

On the other hand I know how demoralizingly bad it feels when there has been a dispute/argument/disagreement, call it what you will and the person who has hurt you during this dispute discribes it as petty and something that should have been dealt with long ago.

Have you considered that your son really does want the family to be back together as he has said but is trying to protect himself and his family from being hurt. He want you to see the baby but also wants the boundaries clear before he can feel safe.

Seems to me you are both hurting and hurting the other.


Cherry

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Re: My Son wont let me see my new born 1st grandchild
« Reply #13 on: October 26, 2011, 07:40:13 PM »
Your son really does seem like a bully. 
  Sometimes we want to see that another person really is a good person, as we naturally think everyone at heart is good.  Unfortunately there are a few people who really, truly do not have the capacity for empathy at all.  Have you heard of the book that talks about "Zero Degrees of Empathy"?   I think the name of the book in the U.S. is "The Science of Evil."   Researchers say that perhaps 1 out of every 100 people simply has no ability to sense a feeling of responsibility or loving attachment toward other people.

Be careful, consider the behavior & not the emotions you want to believe.