cant understand

[sesamejane]

hello lcolllins, 
I am new too.  So far these are some of the things I have figured out:  I had a lot of ideas about what a family is and how it is supposed to operate or behave.  Those ideas became expectations about my family.  They should do this and they should do that, and if they didn't, I felt neglected, unhappy, low self-esteem, sometimes angry as heck.  I used to call and ask, "why? don't you call me more???," etc. etc.  They ran from me.

First, I had to realize that there are no 'right' ways for families to behave with the exception of treating each other with respect.  I had to let go of my expectations. Second, I had to accept my family as it is. I have seen it posted on these pages often by Luise, Pooh, Pen, others that "it is what it is."  Ugh! Hard to accept sometimes. Third, I truly do not want a 'scene' or problems around my grandchildren.  My ds and dil used their religion and children as weapons against we grandparents. We did nothing wrong but love them, gave too much, and on and on.  It was terrible, and I miss my gc, but I am willing to wait until my dgc are older.  Maybe when they are seniors in high school or in college or starting a job, I will send them a short sweet letter expressing my pride and love.  Maybe they will call me.  We'll see.  Maybe my ds and dil will change their lives and make amends...I don't know what the future holds.

Anyway, I hope you do rethink some of your expectations and temper impulses that might further separate you from the ones you love (also might land you in the pokey or hospital). It hurts, it really hurts I know.  As for me, I am getting on with my life, and guess what? My youngest daughter called me twice today, and I was not home to answer the call because I was out having fun!!  And now it is too late to call her, and maybe I'll call her tomorrow but I have been invited to a Labor Day picnic with friends.  I will have some positive stuff to share with her when we do talk. 

Hang in there and keep posting.  You have friends here who understand and support you. 

[Pen]

Wow, SesameJane, I'm impressed. Look at you all out and about with your fine self. Yay for you! And good post, by the way.

[lcollins]

thanks everyone. i understand what youre saying sesamejane. my therapist has told me the same. even though i tell you guys how angry i am i have never ever expressed that anger towards my son and his wife. i have given them spaced like they asked but my son still hasnt called. when i finally get through his phone he tells me he will call me back but never does. i want you all to know something- it hasnt always been like this, just the past year. before that i seen my grand daughter 3 times per week, even overnight. then they or she decided out of the blue no more. the only think my son keeps saying to me is that they need space, i overstep boundaries and that i left grand daughter with another parent at fenced in kiddy playground, for 2 minutes while i used port o potty. last year i asked daughter in law to let my dogs out twice a day while my husband and i went away for the weekend. i am a writer and i write in a journal every night. well the journal ive had for many years all of a sudden disappeared. i know she took it. i called the police and they asked her to come in. what do you she gets a lawyer and police cant call her, only her lawyer which they havent. its still an open investigation and they said they can go through my son because he doesnt have a lawyer but every time they call him he doesnt answer or call them back. also when i had a few talks with my son he makes reference to some of the things i wrote in my journal about them that no one knows nor have i said to their face like how i was filing paperwork to get grandparents rights to see her once in awhile. i never told anyone about that and my son comes out of the blue asking me if im doing that! i can not believe that they did that and think its ok. and they say i am the crazy one and i need to take a step back and that i am obsessed with them. they are the ones who are obsessed with me. stealing my things to find out what i say about them!

[Begonia]

SesemeJane:  What a delightful post!  Good for you! 

Lcollins:  Wow, that is very alarming. Once police and lawyers get involved it really becomes a serious issue.  I think I would let your therapist sort through this.  Meanwhile, as difficult as it is, try to move forward in your own life.  These things can't be undone now but you can decide to look at things differently for your own health. Hope you can heal from this. 

I know how that feels to have a journal stolen and read by others and it is a sick feeling followed by anger.  I was working as an interpreter in a national park in a very remote location where the people there, including my boss, were very odd and not in a good way.  I feared for my safety and packed up my van one day and left without giving notice or saying goodbye.  Later, I found out from a co-worker that they brought her in to question her about my leaving and showed her photocopies of my journal (which they had taken from my room, in a drawer, and copied when I was at work). 

Perhaps the one positive thing is that in both our instances our true feelings got out.  I never had to go back to that place but you have family and I hope that it will all sort itself out.  Love and good luck to you.  Keep posting. 

[Pen]

Lcollins, it sounds as if you and your DS/DIL do not trust each other anymore. When trust is gone, it is hard to rebuild a relationship. Even if this investigation over the alleged theft of your journal turns out in your favor, will you be able to trust them again? Will they feel comfortable having a relationship with you?

You've got bigger issues than we are qualified to help with, I'm afraid. I'm so sorry you are in such pain and feeling so much anger. It's good that you haven't vocally expressed your anger to your DS/DIL, but it would be hard to imagine they haven't had an inkling after all that's gone on.

I hope you can detach and move on with grace and dignity, but you may need some help from experts (which we are not, I'm sorry to say.) It may be awhile before you and your family clear up this mess; perhaps spending time creating a healthy, centered, fulfilling life of your own is the best way to cope. Take care.

[jill]

Lcollins, wanted to let you know I understand your pain, we are in similar situations, I miss my gd terribly, but my odd will not let her visit, I have spoken to her on the phone, and she tells me she misses me, I am going to start working on a photo album of both of us since she was little.

Sesamejane,  I got a lot from your post and have just recently started to realize that my expectations have been too high.  I know I have to accept my family as it is, but they do not treat me with respect, but they are the only family I have, it's hard to accept that you raised two selfish children who do not care about you, but if I want any contact with my gc at all, I have to accept it.

[Pooh]

Jill, you do have accept them as is, but that doesn't mean you have to accept their behavior towards you.  Acceptance is about accepting that your expectations don't match theirs, but that doesn't mean you allow them to treat you like a doormat.  Set your boundaries for their behavior and they will either learn to treat you with respect or not, but either way you will not have to tolerate it.

Jane, great post!  I'm so proud of you!

[sesamejane]

I'm learning.... ;

[luise.volta]

There is a lot on this thread that is very useful but I am going to close it. That's doesn't mean it can't be read…I am just concerned about L.C. and any continued dialogue. I don't feel this venue can offer what you want and need, LC. we are not trained to work on such intense issues. For instance, calling the poloice over a missing diary is something I cannot comment on. You have a therapist. Please do the work that needs to be done there because she is a great deal more qualified to see the overview and help you through it than we are. We are all wishing you well.