32 year old son in constant financial or emotional mess

[Cirette]

Hi,
I need some input/advice. My 32 year old son has been in a crisis mode for over a year. He's employed but doesn't have savings or a credit card. So last week he needed a loan. This week his car is needing repairs right now!

I forked over $2000 in the last year so he could move out of a girlfriend situation. In the past, I've paid off a $3500 credit card, paid him a stipend, etc.etc. He's trying but I believe doesn't quite know what it means to live within his means or do what he needs to do in order to get better credit.

I'm sick of being his bank or credit card but yet, the crisis is a crisis. So far, I've turned off my phone. If this keeps up, I'll never be able to take a modest vacation!!! I'm 62 and deserve to live a little.

Also, I have an illness that is made worse this stress. I think I'm going to screen my calls so at least this kid begins to learn how to deal with his own $ problems by himself.

What do you think?

PS It's always a do or die situation if I don't respond. For instance, he would have to take a miserable, inconvenient bus if I were not to respond to his latest problem and quit his band. Oh my!

[lancaster lady]

Hello Cirette ,

You know what you have to do , and the sooner the better ! this guy is having a laugh at your expense ...literally !
It's hard to begin with , but when he knows Mom's bank has run dry , he will start to make adjustments fast .
You won't be there forever , so you'll be doing him a favour in the long run !

[Pooh]

Welcome Cirette!  Yep, time to stop the financial flow.  He's an adult and he needs to learn to deal!

[pam1]

Welcome Cirette   Sometimes you gotta do what you have to do....you come first and there is no need to feel guilt over that.

[Cirette]

Yeah, thanks for the advice. I don't think he's laughing but that I've made him come to me when he's upset which he's been lately--to the point of suicide ideation. 

He needs to go to his bank and try to get a personal loan. He needs to do the legwork, the internet searches, do his budget. Not is mom although he is the baby of the family..... and the one is seems most dependent (why? i wonder....).

I;ll be firm. I do not want to co-sign a car loan when he cannot live within his means before the loan, hah!
Thanks again.
C.

[Doe]

Give him a copy of "The Total Money Makeover" by Dave Ramsey!   That'll help him in the long run more than any bail-outs  And you're right - don't dare co-sign the car loan! 

[herbalescapes]

Maybe you could ask him for a loan.  Plant it in his head that you've run out of money yourself. 

[sesamejane]

You guys are great! 

Well, I think that he does not have anyone else depending on him (no kids), he is 32 years old and no longer a child, and when I consider the "worst" thing that could happen to him if you don't "help" him (in quotes because I am not convinced that giving him money is in his best and true interest), it just isn't so bad.  Better he suffer now because if anything happens to you, well then what??  Better for him to struggle now while you are still here to love him and support him (emotionally only!!)

I hope things work out.

[luise.volta]

I think the game has gone on long enough and then some. It's time to wish him well and turn his life over to him. He will learn what he does…fall and get…and learn some more…just like the rest of us.

[Cirette]

Hi,
I need some input/advice. My 32 year old son has been in a crisis mode for over a year. He's employed but doesn't have savings or a credit card. So last week he needed a loan. This week his car is needing repairs right now!

I forked over $2000 in the last year so he could move out of a girlfriend situation. In the past, I've paid off a $3500 credit card, paid him a stipend, etc.etc. He's trying but I believe doesn't quite know what it means to live within his means or do what he needs to do in order to get better credit.

I'm sick of being his bank or credit card but yet, the crisis is a crisis. So far, I've turned off my phone. If this keeps up, I'll never be able to take a modest vacation!!! I'm 62 and deserve to live a little.

Also, I have an illness that is made worse this stress. I think I'm going to screen my calls so at least this kid begins to learn how to deal with his own $ problems by himself.

What do you think?

PS It's always a do or die situation if I don't respond. For instance, he would have to take a miserable, inconvenient bus if I were not to respond to his latest problem and quit his band. Oh my!

well, I just want to report a sleepless night after having sent my son a letter stating I will no longer give out money nor function as his credit card or bank overdraft protector. The letter was good and I hope he will just do what he needs to do without giving me much turmoil.

Thanks everyone. Your help was great.

[pam1]

(((Cirette)))  It'll get easier.

[Doe]

lol - I'm familiar with that sleepless night you're talking about!

You did good.

[Cirette]

Of course, I still want to "help'' him. I found a great starter book, Personal Finance for Dummies, not that he would read it.

But lo, I got onto my own finances and made an Excel file and entered everything in and whoa! i can see how over the top my own spending was, not only to my son but everything.

I have one son with wife who's turned him against me and doesn't talk to me and I hope this son will continue our relationship. But if not, that's life and it's life which bothers them, life ain't all my fault. Amen.