Welcome twinsmom. You have my utmost respect for raising twins and to top it off, alone. Great job! It is sad but at the same time comforting to know that this is more common than we think. It's nice to see that you are not alone and have people that understand how hard it is.
I can relate on this, but surprisingly, I can relate to your daughter's feelings. First, you are not wrong at all! You did what you had to. You worked to give them a better life and for that, you are awesome. My Mother was the same way. She worked long hours and it was a rare occasion that she attended any event I had. She made the important ones, graduations and such, but that was about it. I played sports and she hardly ever attended. I was in drama and I think she came to 1 play. I sang in choir, and I think she attended 1 of those....and on and on.
As a teenager. I was very resentful that the other kids had their parents there. I felt like she didn't care and wasn't proud of what I was doing. I was very hurt and angry at her but I hid it well.
It took me having children and getting into my mid 20's before I actually realized what had happened. She was caring for my elderly grandparents 2-3 times a week that lived about 30 minutes from us then. She had to go clean for them, grocery shop for them, get their bills in order, run them to doctor's appointments...everything. They were both very sick. She was working 50+ hours a week....to pay for all my activities and subsidizing my GP's income because their medicines were expensive. It hit me one day, when I was taking my boys to baseball practice 3 days a week after frantically running home from work, making sandwiches, finding ball gloves and dragging baseball pants out of the dryer that I had washed at midnight the night before to realize that she always got me to my practices, my plays, my choir gigs, dropped me off with friends for a movie, etc. She was always there to pick me up. She was taking care of two households. She is 90% deaf, but yet did all this for all of us.
I was never mean to my Mother through all those years, but I didn't go out of my way to make her feel good. I was resentful. Once I matured and the reality of the situation hit me when I was trying to figure out how to fit everything in my daily grind, I was never more grateful. Although I didn't see it for many years, she actually was doing everything she could for everyone. I finally got it and felt bad that I had thought that for all those years. I went to her house, sat down and told her that I was sorry that I had never really thanked her for everything she did for me. She had tears in her eyes and told me then that she was sorry she couldn't come more to my stuff. She told me that she would drop me off for practice and run to my GPs and do what she could there before rushing back to pick me up. She told me about how many times that she thought she was going to be late and how stressed she was during those years. I never knew she was stressed. I got it.
Give her time. She may have only seen you working all the time and resented it. She hasn't reached the maturity level or understanding yet on the reality on why you did what you did. She may hit that at some point and finally understand, like I did. Maybe she will not, but you should be proud of what you did. You were a great Mother and deserve thanks. Keep repeating that and do something for yourself today.
