Angry Man

[lancaster lady]

Looking for my friends here .......I need a chat !
As you know my DS and FDIL and GD moved in a month ago .
All was well for the first couple of weeks .Then  I noticed my DS getting angrier as the days went on .
Snapping at his DD for nor reason , she's 18 months old ! Also at his future DW too .
Now I realise what a strain he is under , re living here also a wedding in three weeks , BUT .......
his FDW has and is organising everything for this wedding , I mean everything !
He seems not interested when she asked his views on things , and barks a remark at her ....hmmmm
This started me thinking ...does he really want tot get married ?
Next thing she takes off for a few days to 'organise ' more things for the wedding , supposedly going to her FOO.
Then I hear she had a row at home with her Ds and left to stay with her friends instead , with my GD in tow .
My DD came to stay for a couple of days this weekend , and she asks me what on earth was wrong with her DB !
she didn't recognise him as her mild mannered brother !
I asked him recently if he wanted to share his problem, no problems , he replied , can't be happy every day !
However things came to a crunch yesterday when I heard my DS shouting at his DD at the top of his voice
, she is just a baby .
No more sealed lips for me .......I challenged him to stop shouting at his daughter  , she is so sweet and precious
and a little sweetie .and MY granddaughter !!
He said he could shout when he wanted to ! I replied in no certain terms that he couldn't .
Now this man was the quietest , nicest , calmest person you could meet , who has never even raised his voice to me .

My dilemma is .....does he want to get married , or is this just a build up of his frustrations of recent events .
I encouraged them to have  an evening out , which they did happily I think .
I also mentioned that his FDW was feeling a little low , ( as she moved out for two days ) , so he bought her some flowers .
Now I know you will think ahhh , she's interfering and getting in their business , I can assure you I'm not .
The remarks I made above was the first time I have mentioned parenting .
I have never made any remarks about the wedding other than , who shall I make the cheque out to !..lol

So I hope after the wedding things will calm down and I will get the son back I know and love .
nice talking to my buds once again .......

[CityGirl]

Lancaster Lady, weddings do bring out the worst in people sometimes!  I am in the midst of the planning for my youngest daughter's wedding and even with having very little to do, it is incredibly stressful.  That could be part of it.

I know you have tried, but is there anyway you could simply say to your son, very gently and with concern, that you are seeing he is very stressed and is everything ok?  I think if that doesn't open the door for a conversation, then you have done all you can do.  Although I would take a stand as far as his behavior with the baby.  That is simply unacceptable no matter what the circumstances. 

I will say a prayer that things settle down for you all. 

[Louey0727]

Dear Lancaster Lady:
I totally agree with what City Girl said in her first paragraph.  My son is getting married in a week, and his future wife and him have been leaving together for 10 years and have 3 wonderful, beautiful children.
His future wife has done all the planning and leg work along with her mother.  My son has been working nights on a construction job and gets very little sleep.  This job is paying very well, as it is night work.  He is so stressed out, that when you talk to him, it goes over his head.  His future wife is even more stressed, as she is going to school full time, after the honeymoon, they are moving to another city and they rately see each other, due to their overlapping schedules.  I ask my son about the wedding (I have been asked very little to do) how are the arrangements going, he says he does not know, I would have to ask his future wife and her mother.  It is funny, he said all he knows, is where they are going to get married and where they are going for the honeymoon. Everyone seems stressed out, even me, who has literally nothing to do with the planning.  I see the stress on my son and his FW and I feel for them.  Also, my son, who rarely ever yells at the kids, has been doing that lately.  Stress manifests itself in different ways and people handle it differently. 
I have watched reality shows on TV about couples getting married, and the couple are fighting with each other right up until they walk down the aisle, after they get married, all the stress leaves their faces and bodies and look totally at ease. 
I hope this helps somewhat, as City Girl said - "weddings do bring out the worst in people sometimes" - - this to will past.

[CityGirl]

Isn't it ironic that an occasion like a wedding, which should be nothing but joyful, can cause so much stress!?!  People get their ideas of the 'perfect' occasion, forgetting there is no such thing as perfection.  They also lose sight of the fact that is it just one day!  A marriage is for life. 

[Louey0727]

Again City Girl:  You hit the nail on the head.
Remembering back, to my brothers wedding, he and his future wife, called off the wedding 3-4 times about two weeks before the wedding.  Since in the those, days, receptions where held in the parents homes, my mother and the future wife's mother, we not sure if they should start any kind of food preparation.  The stress transferred on to them, and it was like a waiting game.  Also, since the minister who was going to officiate, was a member of the family, the stress was on him too.  Since it was an informal wedding and the guest list was close friends and relatives, I was given a list of guests attending, in case I might have to call them - - to say the wedding was off.  My father was to have a final fitting of his suit, and he said, oh well!  if the marriage does not take place, I will probably need the suit for future weddings.  Talk about stress, we all looked like zombies until the day before the wedding.  They got married, reception was wonderful, and we all still laugh about it until this day, 40 years later.
Like you said City Girl, it is supposed to be a happy time, but it is more like a funeral!

[amflautist]

LL, I see warning signs, BIG warning signs.  And based on how I felt about getting married to my first husband, (and unbeknownst to me, how my parents felt), I wish, wish, wish this could be postponed until it can be carried out with love.  (I also wish my parents had told me at the time of their doubts.  I was only 25 at the time, and didn't have enough worldly experience to hear the warning bells.  I thought that I had to go through with it because I had given my word.  If only my parents had stepped up and said something...).

However, given that your FDIL will absolutely not be in the mood to postpone, if this were my DS, I would want to ascertain if he really wants this marriage.  I'm thinking he does not.  Can you get him to talk to you about it?  Sitting on a sea wall somewhere far from your house?  Or can you get him to talk to a clergyman either with you or without you?  I think he needs a confidant.  What about a male friend of his?  Does he have any old buddies that he could talk to about his stresses?  He is under way too much stress.

[lancaster lady]

Will see how this week goes .I seemed to have diffused the situation at present .My FDIL is attending her 'hen party' this weekend while DS babysits here .....don't worry I'll be here too .Perhaps he will share.his innermost thoughts then ....

[Pen]

Thinking of you and yours, LL.

I think weddings are a little peek into what the years of married life will be, encapsulated into a few weeks time. IMO, this is how they will handle problems in the years to come unless they make big changes - DIL will run to her friends, DS will snap and snarl and be overstressed, they will spend too much in an effort to buy happiness, etc. etc.

A wedding may be just one day, but a marriage will be full of ups and downs, joys and stressors. I hope your DS can unburden his soul, but LL I worry that your FDIL may backlash on you if DS decides "it's off."

[Pooh]

Bless your heart LL.  First, I think you did the absolute right thing about confronting him about the GC.  There is no excuse in the world to scream at a child that age.  I in no way find that as butting in to their parenting style.  I find that protection and intervention.

That being said, you have to step back over the wedding thing.  I'm sure he is stressed, but anything you say in regards to does he even want to get married will more than likely be seen as intrusive.  They have made mistakes, but they are theirs to make.  I know you haven't said anything about the wedding, it just sounded like you were concerned that he didn't want to do it. 

Maybe you will get the opportunity to talk to him by himself concerning his screaming.  I would hope if you talked to him about your concerns over that and left everything else out, he might listen.  He might not, but it's worth a shot.  I couldn't sit by and watch my DS or DD or anyone scream at my GC without trying to make them recongize it.  Stress is common in our lives but taking it out on a child is unacceptable IMO.  I'm sorry LL.  I wish I had more supportive words to give you but in this situation, I have a feeling you are going to be seen as intrusive.

[luise.volta]

Hi LL, The problem with taking people in to live with us is thinking their issues are ours. They are making choices, facing consequences (or not) and learning (we hope.) That is where they are in life. Sending love...

[lancaster lady]

thankyou guys , nice to share my thoughts with you .
I would never ask the wedding question , and you know most of the time we are a happy bunch .
That was so out of character for him , I just wonder what triggered it off ?
He just seems to have no patience whatsoever with his baby , she can be trying at times I know,
but one look at that cutie and my heart melts . I suppose patience grows with age .....

[luise.volta]

It is no longer out of character for him and it really doesn't matter what triggered him. We can't let ourselves be triggered around little children. Weddings don't solve issues. I am really worried about you. I just can't help it.

[Ruth]

You are between a rock and a hard place.  It is very hard for any one to give advice in this situation, so many lives are in the balance.  We send thoughts for wisdom on your behalf here and I am so sorry that the world seems to be on your shoulders.   I think personally, please don't take this wrongly or critically, as i allowed my DD & FSL to move in prior wedding many many years ago and it was a disastrous mistake, such a wrong idea.   I believe they should be entirely on their own and stable financially prior to marriage.  I am so proud that you had the courage to confront and do the right thing by your GD.  Stay strong precious one.

[Keys Girl]

LL, this situation has some parallels with my own, where my son voiced misgivings about marrying his bride to be after she turned into "She who must be obeyed" once he had popped the question.  I told him no to ever marry anyone he didn't want to and to delay the ceremony (I didn't say it but I hoped their relationship would fall apart before the ceremony).   The wedding is on track and if he goes ahead and reluctantly marries someone then he's going to have a lot of recon with, I'm sure.  My mother didn't like my future groom and warned me not to marry him.  I was young, in love and confident we could overcome any obstacles over time and we did for a while.....long enough for my mother to come to like him just before I told her about the divorce, but I digress.

I think there is a very serious possibility that you could wind up as the "monkey in the middle" if you get involved in talking to him about who he wants to marry.  He is going to do what he wants to do for whatever reasons, but I know of many people who turned to their parents later in life and accused them of meddling and years later you "can't un-ring a bell".

I think it's very difficult for you to maintain your privacy while they are living with you, so I'll keep you in my thoughts and hope that things work out well.

[lancaster lady]

aww thankyou Luise for your concern , things are a lot quieter now .
Ruth , I agree with you , they should be in a stable situation before taking on huge responsibilities .
My FDIL is a lot younger than my DS , and wanted  to be a mommy as soon as she met him .
She also wanted the fairytale wedding and all that went with it .
I only wish he had been strong enough to resist these wonderland wishes and taken charge of the
situation .
However I think the roles are reversed now , and he is very much in control albeit a bit late .
She is a wonderful mom though , but is too weak perhaps to now stand up to my Ds .
I know he loves his family dearly , but the stresses of living with parents , no money and a wedding
to contend with perhaps pushed him over the edge . I saw signs yesterday of him losing
patience with the little one , but he resisted any loss of temper . So maybe MY raised voice
had the effect I'd hoped .
Thankyou you all for your concerns , that's why I love my WWU ladies .......