Parenting

[RedRose]

I'd like to hear opinions on parenting skills.

My son and dil and 2 grandchildren lived with us for 6 months.
My 2 year old grandchild was put in time out by his parents when he would do something wrong...sitting on a little stool for a couple of minutes. He cries of course and then one of the parent repeats to him why he is in time out and then he is let go. I don't mind this at all...except...one time...I looked at him!! Oh my God...I was reprimanded like their own child...because I had interfered in their parenting by looking at him and that was giving him sympathy.  I asked them to move the stool to another room so it would not be in front of me at the kitchen table. When they didn't I moved their(which belonged to me) time out stool to another room.
Time out was not used to much for discipline after that.

Another time, my grandson was playing and he ran into a corner shelf. I jumped up to make sure he was ok. Both parents again argued with me that I was interfering with their parenting. That if he doesn't cry that means he is ok.  I argued that I believe it is bad parenting if a child runs into anything and bumps his head or a door smashes his little fingers in a door, etc., it is only natural to make sure he is OK.  But, they disagree.

What do you think?

[2chickiebaby]

Oh Red Rose,
What do I say about this...?  When you are a Grandparent, you do feel extra sensitive to the grandchild....you just do.  All these rules, my Lord!  Why we have these feelings, I don't know but have them we do. Reprimanding your Mother and the Grandmother of your kids!   Please.  One of the few people outside yourself who loves them unconditionallly.

Interfering?  Oh brother, I guess if that's her rule, then we have to abide by it. It's her rule too, the son just goes along with his wife.  Good Lord.   

My Grandfather used to come by my house every day.  So did DH's Dad.  My Grandfather, God love him, would bring sticky donuts each time from the Donut Palace in the town where we lived.  I guess I could have gotten really mad about that because there was donut residue everywhere.  I would have died 10 times if I had reprimanded that sweet man now that he's gone!  Never! It's not worth it.  He loved them!

And DH'd Dad?  About every 3 days he would come by to take the kids for a ride.  We did not have seatbelts then....I'm glad nothing happened now that I know about car seats and seatbelts~!  Would I deprive that sweet man of taking them out?  No, not on your life.  It was precious to me.

I don't understand what has happened to people.  I really don't.  You get a new person though, in your family and it's hardly ever pretty.  We only get the leftovers when it's a DIL, many times. 

I know there are good DILs out there....I simply have not personally met any.  I think there is at least one on this board, though.

[Glitterati]

Rose...the first instance I agree with the parents about not playing to the sad face while in time out.  BUT I also agree with you about the chair in another room since the punishment/discipline disturbed you and they were living in your house.

The second instance...I agree with you.

Chickie...I don't understand your outrage over a "child" reprimanding a grandmother or grandfather when it comes to parenting.  Sometimes it IS necessary.  I've had to do it to my own father.  I put my son in timeout and he cried.  My father removed him from timeout and took him out to play instead.  I wasn't going to make a scene in front of my son, so I waited until I cooled down, then talked with my father.  I told him that he was never to undermine me in front of my children.  He tried to say he could do whatever he wanted.  That went no where fast.  I finally told him that it was my decision and if he couldn't abide by it...then he wouldn't see the kids as much if I didn't think I could trust him. 

Parents don't deserve to have their parenting undermined...regardless of who does it and what that relationship is.

The situations you referred to in your posts are things that (it seems) you liked.  If you had no problem with it...then of course you wouldn't have an issue.  We don't have issues with the things that we like or don't bother us.

[RedRose]

Oh, I know he just goes along with his wife. If he didn't she would make his life miserable.

[2chickiebaby]

This is ridiculous and I think the sons know it.  Who wants to be controlled by anyone else?  No give and take?  Reprimanding your Mother for looking sympathetically at their Grandchild?  This has gotten so out of hand....I think I'm beginning to see some things that make some sense to me.

Instead of celebrating the Grandparents as loved ones and ones who love our kids nearly as much as we do, they do things deliberately to hurt us. 

I think we need to get away sometimes from these kids and their kids.  It's too hard on our hearts, for Heaven Sake.

[RedRose]

That's the part I hate hearing!!! You threatened him by telling him he wouldn't see his grandchildren as much. I hate that way of solving a disagreement. He loves your children.

[Aisling]

I think it was a tough situation all around.  No, you shouldn't interfere with a parent's decision, no matter how hard it is for you to not comfort and coddle.  It's hard on the parents, too.  Giving a child too much sympathy or attention while they're being punished undermines the point of the punishment, undermines the parents' roles as authority figures, and teaches the child that acting badly gets attention.  All of that will only make it harder on the parents in the future.

I do agree that a quick check with a child who's just had a bump or a fall is a good thing, but too much attention or theatrics will teach the child to act hysterically over every little scrape and bump.  It's a difficult line to walk.

I also think that parents need to put their child's best interests first, even if that means hurting their own parents' feelings.  But grandparents shouldn't put parents in that position in the first place.  You've all had your chance at raising kids; have faith that you taught them well, and trust them to be responsible adults and parents.

I find it worrying that there seems to be so little trust for sons around here.  Isn't it at all possible that your sons not only agree with their wives, but had some input in the rules in the first place?  Most parents I know work as a team, not a dictatorship--regardless of what their in-laws may want to believe.

[Glitterati]

That's the part I hate hearing!!! You threatened him by telling him he wouldn't see his grandchildren as much. I hate that way of solving a disagreement. He loves your children.

Yes Rose...he does love the children..  And because he does he finally changed his attitude and respected me as a parent.  He respected my right to discipline my children my way and to not deliberately undermine it.  If I cannot trust him to do what I ask him to do...then why should I trust him with my children?

The real irony of that situation is that I distinctly remember him losing his cool and blowing up at my grandmother (his mother) for doing exactly the same thing to him with me when I was a child.  I finally reminded him of that and asked him if he liked how it made him feel.  He remembered...and admitted he didn't like when his mom did that.

[just2baccepted]

I remember my dad's mom spanking my sister one time for running off.  I never remember though, my mom or dad getting upset.  My mom is very laid back and I know that my mom and dad both loved my grandma very much.  She was a great lady.  I didn't get to see her that much but I have to admit she was a better grandma than my mom's mom.  My other grandma left her DH and liked to party and drink.  I never remember my mom or dad trying to keep me from either grandparent.

The only time I remember my parents getting upset about another person trying to discipline us was when sister and I were fairly young and we were at dad's work acquaintance house and sister and I got to loud and the guy just roared, "be quiet."  My mom and dad got really ticked off and gathered us up and got the heck outta there.  That's the only thing I can remember about them getting mad.

[RedRose]

Aisling,
I was OK with the time-out form of punishment. I looked at him because the stool was placed directly accross from where I sit in my kitchen. I was not consoling him or undermining my dil. They jumped to that conclusion.

They said the exact same thing as you that too much attention or theatrics will teach the child to act hysterically over every little scrape and bump. I don't agree.

I think my dil and you must have read the same book.

And Glitterati...I believe disagreements about parenting with a grandparent need to be worked out without any threats. You may learn something from your parents also..they did raise you!!!

[just2baccepted]

The more I read these posts the more I see a pattern here.  And I think its jealousy.  And I think that's what's going on with my MIL.

With Anna's case I'm going to say again that I believe that b/c DIL works full time that she feels like she's missing  out on her children's upbringing and her competition is obviously with Anna b/c Anna is female and is the second best thing to a mother and DIL feels threatened by that.  Anna you also said that DIL was fine until she had kids, to me that's even more evidence of what I said.  So with all that being said I think she will relax once the kids get older.  I don't think you'll have to worry about her cutting you out of their lives, but you know more about the situation than I do.  Personally I think I'd walk on those eggshells and try to build DIL up and help her not feel so threatened.  That may payoff in the end for you.  But I think this is a case of good old fashion female competition.

An example that I can think of is something that my Grandmother IL said to me one time.  She said that when my DH was a little boy her, MIL and DH would go to the post office and MIL would get out of the car and go into the post office.  During this time while MIL was gone GM-IL would try to sneak kisses on my DH while MIL out of sight.  And DH loved loving on his GM, but when MIL would look or be walking back to car DH would immediately move away from GM.  Knowing my MIL today I thought that spoke volumes.  My poor DH had it in his head I guess that he couldn't love on GM b/c mom would get jealous.  And then that would also explain why DH said that he got nervous around his parents once he got married and it would explain why I've never met my FIL's mother and why I've never met my FIL's daughter's from another marriage. And that would explain why MIL tells me that her grandson would rather live with her and FIL.  And that's why she once told DH that she wished SIL would move away but leave grandson with her and FIL.  And another time she told DH that she didn't want grandson going to the beach with his stepmom and other family b/c no one can "watch" grandson like her.  And another time MIL showed me a used exersaucer that the other grandma bought for grandson and MIL scoffed that it was used and then she showed me the new  one that she bought for grandson and she threw away the one the other grandma bought. Another case of good old fashion female competition!!!  Yipppeeee!!!

[cest moi]

They said the exact same thing as you that too much attention or theatrics will teach the child to act hysterically over every little scrape and bump. I don't agree.

A lot of the time I think it just depends on the child. My DS1 will get hysterical over every little thing and I just have to step back (after giving a quick glance to make sure he's alright) and tell him that I can't understand him when he's crying and then pretty much ignore him til he calms down and can tell me clearly what's wrong. My DS2 on the other hand not much phases him, he would fall over run into the wall whatever, and pretty much never cry about it.

I don't think its bad/good parenting I think its whatever they have found works best for their child. It may have worked well for you to do it your way, but since it doesn't harm the kid to do it their way I think your best bet in a situation like that would be to say, I'm sorry I didn't realize that was how you wanted to handle it, I'm used to doing it this way. then stepping back and let them deal with it their way.
If they aren't there and you're babysitting feel free to jump up and make sure he's ok, I do think the occasional grandparent fussing over the child is a good thing gives them that extra feeling of love and importance.

[2chickiebaby]

Why doesn't Anna's DIL get a babysitter and pay for it if she's jealous?  I know you're right, Just2be but it's hard to understand because we're worn out.  We get it but we don't "get it".

You know what my Grandmother used to say to me when I was living there?  She was a very religious lady, thank God!!! and her thoughts were right on.....she said, "be SURE your sins will find you out"

I never really understood what she was talking about.... What sin am I paying for?  What did I ever do to deserve this?  I was one lost little girl who really did everything I was supposed to do but look what I got? 

[RedRose]

cest moi,

If they aren't there and you're babysitting feel free to jump up and make sure he's ok, I do think the occasional grandparent fussing over the child is a good thing gives them that extra feeling of love and importance

Thank-you...this is exactly what I do and will always do

[Glitterati]

Aisling,
I was OK with the time-out form of punishment. I looked at him because the stool was placed directly accross from where I sit in my kitchen. I was not consoling him or undermining my dil. They jumped to that conclusion.

They said the exact same thing as you that too much attention or theatrics will teach the child to act hysterically over every little scrape and bump. I don't agree.

I think my dil and you must have read the same book.

And Glitterati...I believe disagreements about parenting with a grandparent need to be worked out without any threats. You may learn something from your parents also..they did raise you!!!

Rose...I love my parents very much.  I know they did the best they could at the time.  There are many good attributes they taught me.  There are many more that, especially my father, taught me that I NEVER want to emulate with my children.  My father is a good man at heart, and he provided for us.  We have a decent relationship now, but he was NOT a good father to me or my brother growing up.  He was a very hard worker and provided for us...which I certainly do for my children.  Other than that...there is nothing he did that I want to emulate as a parent.