Toxic People........can and should be left behind

[Keys Girl]

I've been spending some time doing some research and came across the old saying "Those with whom we assemble we will soon resemble".  I've taken some steps in the last year to stay away from my son future DIL as well as some other toxic people.  The end result is that I feel better about the people that I do spend time with and the toxic people are trying (in one way shape or form) to get some attention from me have been left to find some time with anyone else on the planet.

My blood pressure reached a new low (!) this week, lower than it's been in the last 2 years when the hostilities with my son and the future bride started.  I think I'm on to something.  I'm taking more more steps to remove anything and anyone toxic out of my life.....these people will do nothing more than subtract from my happiness and well being, and would have added to it some time ago if they ever were going to.

The people who are currently in my life are the ones who have added joy and laughter and fun.  The toxic people are in my "I'm busy" file.  Scoop, that was a great post about JADE (justify, argue, defend and explain). 

While there is an enduring theme in our lives that mothers need to sacrifice everything and anything for family, I think that theme doesn't apply any more.  Toxic is toxic.  Parents deserve to have a happy life, even if their adult children don't necessarily agree with how that comes to pass, if their needs aren't put first.

Adult children need to have happy lives as well, so if they think one or both of their parents are/were toxic, then I encourage them as well to shut the door, however, that means shutting the door to borrowed money, free baby sitting, no rent money and all the other benefits that mothers/grandmothers often provide.  "Toxic with benefits" isn't a status that I encourage anyone to adopt.

[Pooh]

Great post Keys and I totally agree!  Congrats on the new low blood pressure!!!!!  Yay!

[pam1]

Keys Girl, I agree!

I also tend to think it is being kinder to the toxic person by refusing to play with them until they get themselves in a healthier place. 

[Kay]

Wish I had been able to read this about 13 years ago when my DIL true colors first came out. Maybe I wouldn't have been such a fooolish enabler for so many years. Unfortunately for all concerned she has always played the ace in the hold cards ie. my beloved grandkids. She quickly figured out I would leap through hoops whenever they were concerned as in no heat, no food, no electricity, etc. I can say no to adults usually but where the innocents are concerned I lose all logic and common sense. Wish and pray that life will be better for you and your family. Sending hugs and hopes for a better day. Love,  Kay

[Pen]

Kay, indeed that's where they get us. I have yet to figure out how GPs should go about helping their GC while not putting up with poor behavior from their adult children.

[pam1]

Pen, I think kids and dogs have that uncanny knack to know when someone is being genuine.  I have no doubt they will feel your support and love

[not like the movies]

Thanks for your post. Came at a good time for me. My daughter has been ripping me to pieces verbally by e-mail since last weekend. Then she asked if she could have all the baby items we have stored here from her first pregnancy.  Stroller, swing, bassinet, etc....she said they don't have a lot of money. My husband and I bought those items not her. The kicker is she wants her husband to come face us to get these things while she and her boyfriend (father of child) hide.

I don't need these things. It's just amazing that she would be so hateful and ruthless daily to me via e-mail and then pause to request material things she wants. Then not miss a beat and pick right back up with the hating.

[amflautist]

NLTM, you need those things in your house for times when gc visit you!!!  Please don't give them up.

[Keys Girl]

Not like the movies, if you give those items to anyone who is going to pass them on to your daughter, you'll be rewarding her email abuse of you.  If she doesn't have the money for these items, she should check out the Salvation Army store, they have great items at low prices.

The other thing is you could donate them to the Salvation Army and tell her she could buy them there.  I wouldn't put much hope that you'll get to see the baby very often if she's treating you like this. 

I would put an end to those emails, I find these people find someone else to verbally abuse, try to get money from when they realize the door is closed.  I would block the emails or forward them to the police and ask them to check her out.  Very sad state of affairs, but her choices don't sound like good ones, the consequences are hers to receive.

If there is one thing the people on this forum have is sadness and surprise that adult children would be ruthless in terms of their emotional abuse but always having a hand or two out when it comes to money and possessions.  I'll bet that if we all declared personal bankruptcy, the adult sons and daughters wouldn't have a minute or two for us.

Good luck on dealing with this, I have a file in my computer and I slide any offensive emailers into that file and don't even read them.  Surprisingly my life goes on without their emails having any kind of impact.

[not like the movies]

Thanks ladies.  Appreciate all your wisdom.

[Pooh]

I agree.  There is no way she would get those items.  She needs to learn her decisions have consequences.

[myree]

hi ladies been a while but i still lurk. keys this made me feel better today reading this i have been running around in circles with my daughter again she likes me one month hates me the next her babies dad kicked her out again , and i got a nasty message with blame ....again its the same ol same ol time for me to make the tough decision and remove her negativity from my life ..your post has been insightful and appreciatted

[Mom b Gone]

The fact that your feeling better and your health is better I think your doing great. Several year ago when mine stopped me from seeing my GD I eventually took down all the photos so I wouldn't look at what used to be.  It was the best thing I did for myself so as not to remind me of what used to be. Keep it up!

[lookingforward]

Thank you for this lovely post!  After reading it I realized that I have been enabling the "toxic with benefits" status that I have allowed my DD and XILs to place me in.  You are SO RIGHT - if I am too "toxic" for my DD to spend time with on the holidays, my "toxic" financial assistance is just that.

I think I can better appropriate those "toxic funds" towards improving my own life style and focussing on my life.

Thank you for this post.

[pam1]

Welcome lookingforward

Please read the Forum Agreement and WWU History (both threads located in the category Open Me First.)  We ask all new members to do so not b/c there is anything wrong with your post.

I'm glad you found us and found a few posts already that have helped you!