I thought it might be nice to share a little progress I am making.
My ds is in his 40's and only lived with me till he was 10 and then I let him live for a year+ with my deceased husbands
extended family. I thought it would be just till I finished my undergraduate work but my ds was convinced to stay with
dh family. He had significant loyalty issues. He stayed with them permanently and our relationship has been quite dif-
ficult as a consequence.
I have felt great sorrow and guilt and thought if over time I just let him express his anger to me he would get over it.
Over the years though it just became a habit and I got trapped in a situation where I wanted a relationship with him very
badly but to be in the relationship I ended up putting up with him being rude and abusive emotionally and lying.. There was lots
of verbal aggression and passive aggression. I tried alot of different things to make things better. We have shared some
quality time together but in the end it always slipped back into his treating me poorly.
Although I've done allot of work on myself and my relationship w/ds, joining this forum and taking a seminar with
Josh Coleman (Author of When Parents Hurt) has really helped me begin to move to a new level within myself.
I have begun to speak up and tell my son what works for me and what doesn't.
He hasn't thanked me for a gift in 30 years. This year I talked to him about it and this year he acknowledged a gift
for the first time
We are planning a visit with him and my dil and I addressed the issue with him of not following through on plans to get
to get together in the past. (A couple of years ago we were supposed to get together in Berkeley and hang out for a
couple of days and he didn't show, didn't call. )
I addressed an issue of us helping him in a business deal that involved us putting some money down in his behalf with his
promise he would be good for the money, then he dropped the ball. It was only $1,000 but in the process he lost
credibility with my dh (who is his s father)
Whats different is that I'm working on role modeling parental, adult, mature communication even though it means I'm not going to have his 'approval' or always 'keep the peace' It scares me, but I'm committed to this path. In the past I would have the experience of his bad behavior and eventually get pretty mad at him. The way I'm working on the relationship now is to take a step at a time, address things as they come up in a wise elder way, calmly, firmly, with good listening skills.
One day at a time.
Thank you Wise Women on this forum for for your ongoing support.