An out of town wedding

[2chickiebaby]

Last night, we went to a wedding from the town we grew up in and left for my husband's promotion many years ago.  I keep up with all these people, though.

It does your heart so much good to realize how you're loved!! Not that I'm not loved here but it's not the same.  No huge lifetime memories to bind us together. 

All I have is the screwy DIL and son to roll around in my brain all the time...here.

I saw people with DILs who weren't screwballs and daughters and sons who weren't either.  I realized that my DILs are just that, screwballs.  Who do I blame for that?  Me and the way our sons were raised.  These people all saw the way they were raised and simply cannot believe how this has turned out for us.

Needed that boost and support and thank you, Lord that I got it!!

[Pen]

See, Chickie?? And you need to stop blaming yourself (easy for me to say,not so easy for me to do.) People who have a need to control, like your DIL, look for the one little opportunity to get in and run the show. It was probably something that was in your son's personality anyway and she just took advantage of it and expanded it.

Think of all the people who join wacky religious or other cults - some may be disturbed, but most of them are sweet, innocent, well-raised kids. Some power freak finds a little personality trait to work on until he/she overpowers the "victim." Then the leader totally denigrates the new "recruits" to erase their former selves by emotional, mental and physical abuse. I actually knew a sweet couple, with kids, who joined up. They were involved with a cruel, crazy woman who claimed to be doing God's work. She was abusive and erratic. It took physical and mental abuse of their sweet children by this nut job to wake the couple up and get them out of there! Our sweet sons don't stand a chance. It's not our fault!

[2chickiebaby]

You're right, Penstamen.....course when you're in the middle of it, it seems like a nightmare!  It is all about who is going to control who (m).

When I get with normal people, I'm so shocked!!  Nothing weird!! I just am so at peace with them because there is no attempt to bring me down, no attempt to control the place.  It's such a relief, such a joy.

I do think when son tried to break it off with her, she pulled out all the stops and now, after 16 years, he is under her control and it's not funny at all.  He is a robot, you're right...much like a Jim Jones thing.

And here we are trying to make sense of it!!!!

[mom2]

 I think you ladies are right... it is all about control. I just wish they could realize that we don't want to control anything !

I have noticed that when I don't react to things ( things they have used in the past to hurt me ) that they try everything within their power to weed their way back in and I really do think they feel they have lost control of the situation.

I don't remember which one of you said it but cutting them from our lives is different than not reacting anymore... so so true. I am to the point that no matter what it is or how bad it hurts I just don't let them see it ( I have cried but after they left ).   It is a nightmare and hurts like HE double L....... don't tell ds or dil I said that !!

[Pen]

I guess we need to make sure we surround ourselves with people who are good to us and affirm our existence. My friends do that for me, Chickie, like your hometown peeps. It doesn't replace the desire for the Norman Rockwell picture-perfect family or take away the pain, but at least I don't feel like I'm a total nut. Boy, these DILs can sure do a number on us!

I'm in for the long haul as well, mom2. Luise is right - we might want to step up, be grownups, and dig deep to find the reserves of strength and wherewithall we'll need to survive this. It's really scary 'cos I don't know if I've got what it takes. However, I'm curious to know who I will be when the dust settles!

[just2baccepted]

I thought you liked the DIL that calls you everyday.  When did you decide you didn't like her as well?  Just curious.

[2chickiebaby]

I do like her, J2b...but she has a ton of problems too.  I am hurt often by the way she treats distant DIL, in spite of the way distant DIL treats me.  I know you don't understand but that's the way it is for me.

It's a power play, much like the rest of the Mother's here.  Control.   Just because I saw DILs who were perfectly normal and loved the rest of their families last night, I realized how good it feels not to be in the middle of a constant battle.