Why do our dils feel so threatened and insecure ?

[mom2]

Instead or our bad qualities that ran our dils away, maybe it was our good ones they feel so threatened by ? Although it doesn't feel that way to us, it is pretty awesome that we are so great the dils couldn't stand it!! Maybe we are the ones with the real power but, of course, they have the weapons ( son and grandchildren ).

If we think about it, we are all good mothers or our sons would have never  loved us so much in the first place. .... would they ??

[twowolves]

hi,
read my last post under 'my MIL'...

[Pen]

twowolves, I'm not following how your last post under "my MIL" relates to this thread. Help?

I choose, sometimes, to think of my DIL as threatened because of my awesomeness, and it's much more fun than feeling like a schlubby doormat

But I really don't want to be the most fabulous or the most powerful - I just want to be accepted as a human being. I've asked my son what I can apologize for, thinking that maybe I've done something inadvertently. He continues to say it's DILs and DIL parent's issue, that we've done nothing.

[cest moi]

Hey, new here.

I think a lot of MIL/DIL issues stem from a couple of things.
one is expectations, 40 years ago a wife's duty tended to be stay home and take care of the kids and cook and clean. Now you can add on to that possibly working full time, running kids to all sorts of different activities, spending time with spouse, making yourself a better person, doing all sorts of extra activities yourself. It's a lot of stress to try and balance that and still be the perfect mommy or wife or DIL.  When I've mention to my mother the stress I'm going through (and I'm a SAHM) she's been known to say something along the lines of 'well I did that (kept my house clean, did my grocery shopping.. etc) all with 5 kids...' Implying that I shouldn't be stressed about whatever it is. And that is just with my mother, I take it with a grain of salt and just don't mention those types of things anymore. I know my mom doesn't mean them in a negative way she's just trying to understand the differences in our decades. I can also see that if something similar came from a MIL said in the same way not trying to be mean could upset a DIL and make her feel inferior and judged and no one wants to spend time around where they FEEL judged.

Another issue that I think plays a big part is all the social networking things. 20-40 years ago the only means of contacting your family were phone calls (and if you weren't home there wasn't an answering machine to take a message) letters and visits.  So if you missed a call you never knew who called or how many times. Visits were at holidays and generally not that often because travel was hard and/or expensive unless you lived in the same area. Now I think people get a little freaked out at all the ways to keep in contact, facebook, cell phones, email, twitter. Sometimes it's just information overload and people just need a little bit of privacy.


Also @penstamen I have a similar story that might help you.
So my dad was 43 when I was born and went through a depression episode when I was a young teen. For a long time it was hard to talk to my dad as he never said much of anything I love him but it's been a hard road to have a close personal relationship with him. That said when I got married I liked my FIL he was a nice guy, I just didn't really know how to interact with him as a father figure. He was always concerned and asking my DH if I hated him and what he could do to fix that. My DH would always tell them that I didn't, and it's been tough to try and create that bond with him when I had such a hard time with my dad. I think I've been able to make him feel that I don't hate him, I don't know because my DH hasn't mentioned it in a long time. I hope that helps you feel at least that it may not be your fault and that she just has issues with her parent's that are sadly affecting your relationship with her. And that in time a better relationship can be worked out.

[AnnieB]

yikes -- my 40 years ago is different from yours, lol... that sounds more like my mother's era back in the 40's and 50's.

In my day (creakkkkk) 40 years ago when first wed, my friends and I were trying to break free of the idea that a mother's role was to stay at home and take care of the children.   We were trying to do it all - job, kids, etc.  Some of us had husbands who wanted to be part of the raising kids, from childbirth on.   

Some like me were also part of the 50% divorced, remarried, etc.   Some have been SAHM's (I've done that too, with my 18 year old).

I think it is true, though, that we tend to forget what it's like when we get far away from it. 

Travel is still hard and expensive, lol -- but yeah -- I like my privacy and do miss those days... those that was probably why my own mother might show up on the doorstep unannounced.  I love social networking now -- you can stay in touch without feeling so intruded upon.  I tend to use it to suit my own needs (i.e., just because my cell phone rings or I get an e-mail, I don't feel compelled to immediately answer or respond). 

[cest moi]

I was going off more of my moms era when she was raised and got married. My parents kinda skipped a generation. My dad is actually older than my husbands grandfather.

[Pen]

I've always worked outside the home, but somehow managed to provide lots of activities and family fun. I wasn' the perfect wife/mom - we didn't always cook from scratch, laundry was often in a big heap, dishes piled up. So in my case, I'm being compared by DIL to her wealthy, stay-at-home mom who ran a really tight ship. I tended to err on the side of kids activities rather than a spotless house. Paying for it now, I'll tell ya! And I'll pay for it more when the grandkids are born - I really don't think we'll get to see them much.

[2chickiebaby]

I have a vision of her Mother, Penstamen.....I don't think I could be friends with her.  She really sounds uptight.  I like just plain people, I think everyone really does.  Some people cultivate that crowd for their own self-esteem.  I can be friends with everyone I meet except people who are controlling and uptight like that one. 

I think you did good at Mothering.

[Pen]

Wow, Chickie, you nailed it! She barely cracks a smile.

When we first met FDIL, I asked what her mom liked to do. The answer was "shopping and getting manicures." I've been known to enjoy both at times, but my life is a bit more well-rounded, I think. Thanks for your thoughts; they're giving me a well-needed boost today!

[2chickiebaby]

I could just picture her!!  I'm glad I nailed it...aren't you glad you're not like that? I would be.....what a drag!!!

[luise.volta]

Well, I can write about being a wife and mom over 60 years ago! And I can tell you that I needed more. I didn't find dirt a challenge; dirty dishes, floors, ears and hair, laundry, bathroom, yard, car...the list goes on and on. To me "stay-at home" felt like I was imprisoned as a domestic servant who only got room and board for her efforts. The invisible but necessary cog in the wheel of their lives. Yes, they all loved me...but it was only a part of me. I did it for 18 years. Not healthy...

Boy, what a lot of changes. And many of them I love. When my email goes down...I would take to my bed if I could!!

What's a SAHM?

[AnnieB]

What's a SAHM?

An anacronym for Stay At Home Mom

[2chickiebaby]

On that topic, I have had a business I've run since the kids were in High School.  But, I will say that when they were little and even when they were bigger, those were the best times of my life.  I wouldn't trade a single day of it  for anything in the world.

Sweet memories....

[Pen]

My DIL shouldn't feel threatened by me - she's beautiful, intelligent, well-organized, and my DS loves her madly. Financially they're set (as long as they kow-tow to DIL's parents.) They drive better cars than we do, travel more, dress better, etc. Instead of being grateful for her fabulous life with our wonderful son, she has to treat us like garbage. I don't get it.

Maybe she's afraid that she's too OCD to have fun with her kids like I did? Is she jealous of the close relationship we had because I wasn't always cleaning or organizing and had time to expand my kids horizons?

I'm really afraid when grandkids arrive that we will not be allowed to know them (see my post "We don't measure up" in another topic.)

[2chickiebaby]

Penstamen,
I sure wish I had the answers...today, money really rules.  It rules in many cases above anything else.  Another thing is that if we can't connect with the DIL, whatever the reason, you just don't get connected.  A hard, hard thing!

I know it seems hopeless right now but over time, maybe she'll soften to you. Sometimes when they become Mothers they soften. People have so many varied opinions on how things should be......I know I do.   I envision family as the people who hold us together when no one else would or could. 

I have a feeling that your DILs Mother will become tiresome in many ways.  So rigid and controlled.  She might want to break free one of these days.  I think she might welcome a warm place like yours.  I know I would.