The entitled 2 year old again!

[MotherOf3]

Ok, I kept my mouth shut.    I went to DDs for a combined b-day party for her, her son, and her daughter.  The youngest boy just turned 2 and I he is really something!!  I know terrible twos, I have three children of my own, but he's a little tyrant and I don't see DD or her DH putting any limits on his behavior or correction.  If he doesn't get what he wants he screams and carries on.  Like at Christmas when I was there he wanted the necklace that my GD gave me and when I said no he went into a screaming fit.

Anyway, we were sitting at the table having pizza and the 4 year old had just gotten up from a nap so he wasn't eating yet, just sitting there on mommy's lap and waking up.  The 2 year old took the 4 year old's plate of pizza.  I moved it back in front of the 4 year old.  The 2 year old got upset and moved it back in front of him (he wasn't eating either of them).  I moved it back and said, "That is Bobby's pizza."  The 2 year old moved the plate back next to his, looked directly at me and in a very slow, low, very deliberate (and really quite mean) voice said, "Mine.  Mine."  And then "MINE".

OMG!!!  I felt like I was just totally told off by a 2 year old!  And I was.  I said one thing, one time to my DD that she shouldn't let him get away with acting as he does, it just encourages him to do it more when it gets him what he wants.  She didn't like that so... grandma is keeping her mouth shut.

It's her issue to deal with (even if she ISN'T dealing with it).  I just hate to see him being so rude and mean to the 4 year old all the time.  The 4 year old is very quiet and sensitive and he's being bulldozed by his brother and mommy isn't protecting HIM either.

[seasage]

I have been sitting here trying to sharpen my own bag of tricks, because I know that someday I will be in the same situation.  I wonder if the mother of the 2-yr-old would be offended if I said something like this to the young child:  I think you are feeling left out because your mother is paying attention to your brother and not you.  Maybe I can help you.  First, put your brother's pizza back because that was not proper behavior.  Then, go stand beside your mother and gently touch her arm or your brother's arm.  When you show loving behavior towards people, they will accept you and notice you.

Does anyone think I ought to add this to my repertoire?

[pam1]

I don't know, my parents didn't get involved in many of our childhood sibling squabbles.  They wanted us to learn how to fend and stand up for ourselves.  I think one issue of a 2 year old taking things from his 4 year old sibling is pretty mild and isn't really indicative of a whole lot.  Now if Mom was grabbing the 4 year olds food and putting in front of the 2 year old, then I'd start to worry.

[MotherOf3]

If I had my way I would have just moved his highchair over so he couldn't reach his brother's plate.  If he then had a screaming fit about it I would ignore that.  Correcting his bad behavior is what I wanted to, not reward it.

If it was simply a matter of him feeling left out, that might be different but, this behavior is common with him.  At my daughter's graduation from nursing school we had a sit-down dinner afterwards.  He was acting as usual, grabbing at everything everyone ELSE had and not minding his own plate, I mean aggressively.  My daughter tried to restrain him on her lap and he got MAD!  He grabbed a fork and threw it with considerable force.  Luckily it didn't hit anyone.

He didn't have an consequences then either.

[holliberri]

Er, I do think two year old tantrums are the norm. They think only in terms of "me," they can't relate to anyone else. Further attention create a situation where their "me" feelings are validated.

I think ignoring that behavior can be very effective. I also think that your DD trying to restrain him in her lap (even though he threw a fork during) is a consequence of sorts. Children don't like restraint, some don't mind time-outs, but can not stand being forced to sit with their parents. 

What consequences did you think he should get?

[pam1]

Yeah, kids go through stages.  It's a lot easier to be objective with other peoples kids though.  He will probably grow out of it, just trust your DD. 

[luise.volta]

My husband and I had a saying as we waded through the terrible-twos twice. " Would we give him the keys to the car?" So every time it looked like either son was driving, (taking over), we would remove him from the situation and take the keys back. Time out...to rest, scream, reconsider, play alone, whatever and time after that to talk about it.

They didn't get the keys or drive.

[MotherOf3]

Yeah, I know they throw tantrums.  My kids tried that with me and I would usually put them in their room alone to deal with it until they got over it.  If we were out somewhere we immediately left. Tantrums didn't work with me and they learned that fast.

Consequences?  Take him outside at least so that his screaming isn't interrupting everyone else's dinner.

I'm keeping my opinion to myself.  I learned that when my first granddaughter was born.  My daughter was a very young mother and she gave into GD so much that if she didn't get her way by screaming and crying she would continue until she was vomiting.

I tried once to give her ways to deal with it and she didn't want my interferance.  So... I let her deal with it, and deal with it, and deal with it.  GD wasn't sleeping all night in her own bed until she was a few years old because of it.

[holliberri]

It's okay to let her deal with it. She is the mom.

My DD is in my bed on a lot of nights so I can get some shut-eye. I know I'm going to have to deal with the consequences of that down the road. It doesn't matter; I'm prepared to deal with the consequences then, I just think an 8 month old needs a certain amount of sleep.

I watched my brother's DD act up in a restaurant, and told him the same thing that you suggested. He curtly told me, "That's exactly what she wants, and I'm not giving in. She needs to learn the world carries on like normal when she behaves like that." He knows his DD best. I think he's right. 

There are consequences to not allowing tantrums to ride out as well...but that was the best option for you, so it worked. It may not be the best option for her.

All parenting tactics have their drawbacks, and their advantages. I think most parent when choosing their tactics know that.

[AnonymousDIL]

Ladies, as a "non-parent" at this time. I wish we could put other peoples kids in a "silence bubble" when we are out so we don't have to hear the tantrum lol! I see a LOT of kids of all ages with that entitled attitude and it makes me sad. :-( it is so tough to be a parent, I don't think I ever want kids.

When I was a kid, I never would have gotten away with that behavior. I would have been spanked for sure (was many times lol).

[luise.volta]

And accepted parenting tactics come and go. My mother put me out on the front porch in a buggy because that was supposed to be good for me. I have no idea of my history of chronic bronchitis and now COPD has anything to do with that. Probably not. And in the '20s too much "coddling" was seen as lethal, so I can't remember ever being held (unless we were riding in the car,) hugged or kissed.   

[pam1]

ADIL, I've watched my own parents changing tactics with the younger kids.  There's no way they would let us older ones act like they do know in restaurants and stuff.  I guess it has it's pros and cons though. 

I do know what you mean about the silence bubble though.  That's why whenever we get a free night, DH and I make sure to go to non kid friendly restaurants and when we do have a kid night, we go to kid friendly and not try to shove them in a stuffy grown up place and expect them to be quiet.  I don't know what it is about kids voices, but even when they whisper they might as well be shouting. 

[holliberri]

I never paid as much attention to tantrums and crying fits until I had my own DD.

I think listening to your own kid scream and cry (which is beyond your control at some points), is by far worse than listening to someone else's. Have some sympathy for the parents.

Now, when someone else's kid ruins my dinner, I breathe a sigh of relief (it's not mine!). I carry on and enjoy my food, b/c really, my dinner isn't ruined at all.

My DD has had exactly one meltdown so far. I'm not sure that kids act up that often in public. It happens on a rare occasion.

[AnonymousDIL]

I don't know what it is about kids voices, but even when they whisper they might as well be shouting.

Exactly! We were at the Y yesterday and the two kids were really being "bad" just LOUD lol. The grandparents were asking them what different numbers were on the different signs. I would have like to ask them one on the main sign. The one that said the hot tub is NOT for anyone under the age of 13! These kids were like 3 and 6 (cute, really, really cute!, but they were NOT supposed to be in there).

[holliberri]

The Y hot tub isn't some place I go for quiet; our Y has it in the locker room. I can still hear kids in the dressing area.

I'm sure that "no kids under 13" has a lot more to do with liability than it does for relaxation.