Dreams

[holliberri]

Oh...and back to those dreams...no wonder you're having repeats of it. I know DH handled it, but this miscarriage happened to YOU. Yes, he saw you go through it, and yes that was painful, but the only person going through the physical side and literal limbo (part of your body trying to stay pregnant, the other half trying not to), is YOU.

No wonder you feel like you need to tell them off. I don't think you've fairly had your say, while they get to sit and pass judgement on you.

[pam1]

Thanks, Luise & Holli. 

What gets me that all these....people, DH's relatives that weren't supposed to know in the first place....well, not a one of them (except kind sister in law) offered any condolences or support.  To either me or DH.  Not at all.  And they haven't apologized either.  FIL apparently got it and oh yeah, he did send me an email apology.  I can't quite muster up that that is an actual apology though.  Anyway, FIL has been telling DH that he's been trying to get it through to MIL how inappropriate and hurtful it is.  After a week, he told DH he thinks he finally got through to her.

And then she badgered DH about when we will spend V day with her.  lol

I think this dream, well I think it means I truly am done with them.  I will be honest, I knew when I gave DH permission to tell them the infertility stuff that she wouldn't be able to keep it quiet.  But I'm not kidding, this isn't the first time she's stooped really low.   She's blamed my parents divorce, my mothers death...apparently now that I am motherless I don't know family love.  Really, I cant make this stuff up. 

She wasn't going to quit.  DH and I had an issue with her every.single.week.  Small or big, it's all there.

So yeah, I knew it all, she'd gossip.  She'd blame me.  I know politics.  DH has known her for 30 odd years and couldn't see this one coming or anything else coming with her bad behavior.  I had had enough. 

But now, I wonder.  There is no way I could be in the same room with her.  I'm not a drama queen, I don't go around cutting people off when something doesn't go my way.  And no, it's not hormones.  And it's not hatred.  I have no idea what this is but there is no way I will be in the same room with her again.  I feel it in my bones.  Kids or not, husband or not. 

[pam1]

You put that so well, Holli.  I don't know how to explain it to him.  Heck, I now have flash cards of the different emotions I can flash or point to DH.  Thanks to my therapist. 

He hasn't brought up my dream today, I can tell he is shook up.  I think he may have a part of him that thinks cut off for right now but I will go back sometime.  It's not happening. 

[holliberri]

Pam...

Jon Cohen's "Coming to Term"...read it. It saved my life after my second miscarriage. He has done so much research on this (his wife had 4 or 5 before they had their 2nd child). He is one of my top 5 favorite people in the world. I thought I was having a third miscarriage with DD...I found his e-mail via Google and e-mailed him. He got back to me in 5 minutes (at 4 a.m.) and said, "You're not bothering me, here's who you call. I'll point you in any direction I can."

I MADE my DH read it. He finally understood what I was going through.

I was gossiped about too: DH would never have a problem (turns out he has subfertility,  as do I); Holli gained too much weight; Holli didn't eat right; Holli must be talking on her cell phone too much. Holli was too stressed. Why isn't she on bedrest? Why isn't she taking folic acid? Maybe she didn't really want the baby. This ALL came back to me. It's called "armchair diagnosis" and it happens when people have no idea what you're going through or what they're talking about.

There really is no decent/worthwhile explanation for why these things happen. I'm here if you need to talk about it. PM me anytime. I'll even mail you that book when you're ready, if you'd like. Again, so sorry. Support and sympathy are all you need now, and instead people expect you to worry about them? For shame.

[luise.volta]

There is something so tender, so gentle, so sweet when all of you gather protectively around one of us. It defies description. Everyone picks up the broken heart and cherishes it and a State of Grace ensues in the wounded one.

[pam1]

Holli, thank you. 

[Pooh]

Oh Pam, how horrible for you.  I am so sorry you went through all that, on top of what you were already dealing with.  I am not one for just cutting people off either.  I will take and take, until I will finally not go out of my way to see or talk to someone, but will still participate in a larger group.  And even with my OS and not speaking to him right now, I don't consider it a cutoff, but a long timeout because I have hopes when he matures and gains more wisdom, we can have a relationship.

But in your case, I think a humongous timeout is in order here.  What she and FIL are doing and have done is inexcusable.  Just the fact that she would order people to take off work, and to bring the recipes she dictates and Christmas her way or no way says how self-centered and selfish she is.  And your Dr. apt., was none of her business.  No, you didn't have to explain the seriousness about it, you didn't have to explain anything.

Words can not describe how badly I felt for you, reading your story.  I can only say the image of your MIL and FIL tied to a firing squad pole, with me standing in front of them saying, "What?  You want chicken for your last meal?  Sorry, I want you to have bologna and I am going to tell you how to make it and what the ingredients are?" flashed in my head.  Inexcusable behavior.  That is not a relationship, that is a dictatorship.