A little Valentine sympathy for DS/DH - the man in the middle.

[seasage]

Valentine's Day is nearly upon us.  We DILs will be thinking of our DHs; we MILs will be thinking of our DSs.  And I am thinking that the poor guy needs a break. 

How many times have I read on this site: your DH needs to stand up for you?  Frequently said by one or another WW, and always in service of comforting a DIL and protecting her against her MIL. 

Why do we MILs/DILs always want that man in the middle to take sides?  As loving wives, why on earth would we ask our DHs to take sides against their mothers?  Is that really in our own best interests?  Don't we stand to lose whenever our DHs are severed from their families?

And as loving mothers, don't we want the best for our sons, even if that "best" is defined by them and that best hates us?  What do we gain by pouting, sulking and hinting?  Certainly not any dignity!

Let's all give our "man in the middle" a break.  Let's send Valentines and kisses and not ask him to take sides or fix our broken relationships for a change.

[holliberri]

Well, there's the first V-day gift I can get behind. 

[Mariatobe]

Speaking only for myself, but I believe Valentines Day is for lovers.  MIL SHOULD be thinking about FIL.   Also, my MIL has said some of the most hateful things to me, and the only thing she'll listen to is her son. So yes, I believe my DH should stand up for me. 

[seasage]

Speaking only for myself, but I believe Valentines Day is for lovers.

My mother always sent me a Valentine with a sweet little handwritten message.  I keep those Valentines in my office.  They are very precious to me.  They reminded me of her love on bad days.  They help my broken heart now that she is gone. 

I don't believe my DS's heart is so hard he wouldn't think the same.

[overwhelmed123]

Speaking only for myself, but I believe Valentines Day is for lovers.  MIL SHOULD be thinking about FIL.   

I have to agree, of course it's my personal opinion.  Sure my mom and dad would send me candy and cards when I was younger and in school, and they might still send my H and I both a card that says Happy Valentine's Day, but I can promise you they aren't "thinking" about me on V-Day.  It's a day for people who are in love.  It's just weird to me to wrap my head around making that day about your S instead of your H.  Again, just my personal opinion.  I also think sometimes, we all stand to lose if DH DOESN'T stand up to his family, sometimes they are that destructive.

[holliberri]

Er...I don't celebrate V-Day, so maybe I'm way off here. Just b/c the MIL might not do it, or has nothing to do with DS on V-Day,  doesn't mean that I can't, as a wife.  I think this is what Seasage meant.

I'm not sure why we need a holiday to do this anyhow. Why not right now?

[pam1]

Eh, that's the problem I have with the whole in law issue.  DS or DH shouldn't be in the middle, he should be firmly planted by his wife. 

Most of the time it is an issue with the male and his lack of interpersonal relationship skills.

[overwhelmed123]

Er...I don't celebrate V-Day, so maybe I'm way off here. Just b/c the MIL might not do it, or has nothing to do with DS on V-Day,  doesn't mean that I can't, as a wife.  I think this is what Seasage meant.

I'm not sure why we need a holiday to do this anyhow. Why not right now?

Now I'm confused... 

[holliberri]

I mean, cutting DH some slack when it comes to his mother. There are a lot of things that I expected him to handle that I probably could on my own. I can't eliminate the middle man for big things, but I think I can defend myself against comments/slights/barbs, or whatever else might come my way. I also can't change the dynamic of their relationship that's had some 30 years to solidify. Acceptance might be key for me.

I didn't say anyone else had to do that, I was just talking for myself.

[holliberri]

Eh, that's the problem I have with the whole in law issue.  DS or DH shouldn't be in the middle, he should be firmly planted by his wife. 

Most of the time it is an issue with the male and his lack of interpersonal relationship skills.

That doesn't mean I don't believe this to be true, but I'm not sure I need to make it harder on him than it needs to be. A man should standby his wife, and I think in-laws could do great benefit by recognizing the DS and DIL as a couple.

DH definitely has a problem with interpersonal relationship skills. He readily admits that. But, me telling him how I think he should handle it seems to backfire. He knows he has to work on that, and he's realizing the mess he's in; I don't know that me trying to point it out to him at every turn was productive.

[overwhelmed123]

I mean, cutting DH some slack when it comes to his mother. There are a lot of things that I expected him to handle that I probably could on my own. I can't eliminate the middle man for big things, but I think I can defend myself against comments/slights/barbs, or whatever else might come my way. I also can't change the dynamic of their relationship that's had some 30 years to solidify. Acceptance might be key for me.

I didn't say anyone else had to do that, I was just talking for myself.

I see what you're saying.  But remember to cut yourself some slack too, it isn't wrong for you to expect DH's loyalty to be with his wife if it comes down to it.  I don't feel like I'm putting him in the middle of anything.  You take vows to be unified- if anyone tries to interfere with that, they're the one putting him in the middle.  Of course, judging from what I've read, you and I are at totally different points in our MIL relationship, so it's normal we'd have different views I guess.  I know, and DH has reminded me even, that if this were my family treating him like this, saying these things about him, and completely unapologetic for it, he'd expect me to tell them where to stick it.  And I would in heartbeat.

But sometimes the wife is irrational, and that does make it hard for DH if he can't "understand" where she's coming from.  But of course if she's irrational then she doesn't know she's irrational and then the pressure from both sides just gets worse...okay now I'm rambling...it's a fine line.

[pam1]

Eh, that's the problem I have with the whole in law issue.  DS or DH shouldn't be in the middle, he should be firmly planted by his wife. 

Most of the time it is an issue with the male and his lack of interpersonal relationship skills.

That doesn't mean I don't believe this to be true, but I'm not sure I need to make it harder on him than it needs to be. A man should standby his wife, and I think in-laws could do great benefit by recognizing the DS and DIL as a couple.

DH definitely has a problem with interpersonal relationship skills. He readily admits that. But, me telling him how I think he should handle it seems to backfire. He knows he has to work on that, and he's realizing the mess he's in; I don't know that me trying to point it out to him at every turn was productive.

Hmmm....I don't know that it needs to be pointed out so much as let natural consequences happen.  Without interference.

[pam1]

I mean, cutting DH some slack when it comes to his mother. There are a lot of things that I expected him to handle that I probably could on my own. I can't eliminate the middle man for big things, but I think I can defend myself against comments/slights/barbs, or whatever else might come my way. I also can't change the dynamic of their relationship that's had some 30 years to solidify. Acceptance might be key for me.

I didn't say anyone else had to do that, I was just talking for myself.

I see what you're saying.  But remember to cut yourself some slack too, it isn't wrong for you to expect DH's loyalty to be with his wife if it comes down to it.  I don't feel like I'm putting him in the middle of anything.  You take vows to be unified- if anyone tries to interfere with that, they're the one putting him in the middle.  Of course, judging from what I've read, you and I are at totally different points in our MIL relationship, so it's normal we'd have different views I guess.  I know, and DH has reminded me even, that if this were my family treating him like this, saying these things about him, and completely unapologetic for it, he'd expect me to tell them where to stick it.  And I would in heartbeat.

But sometimes the wife is irrational, and that does make it hard for DH if he can't "understand" where she's coming from.  But of course if she's irrational then she doesn't know she's irrational and then the pressure from both sides just gets worse...okay now I'm rambling...it's a fine line.

Amen.

I didn't put DH in the middle of anything.  I took vows with him to forsake all others. 

[cremebrulee]

Valentine's Day is nearly upon us.  We DILs will be thinking of our DHs; we MILs will be thinking of our DSs.  And I am thinking that the poor guy needs a break. 

How many times have I read on this site: your DH needs to stand up for you?  Frequently said by one or another WW, and always in service of comforting a DIL and protecting her against her MIL. 

Why do we MILs/DILs always want that man in the middle to take sides?  As loving wives, why on earth would we ask our DHs to take sides against their mothers?  Is that really in our own best interests?  Don't we stand to lose whenever our DHs are severed from their families?

And as loving mothers, don't we want the best for our sons, even if that "best" is defined by them and that best hates us?  What do we gain by pouting, sulking and hinting?  Certainly not any dignity!

Let's all give our "man in the middle" a break.  Let's send Valentines and kisses and not ask him to take sides or fix our broken relationships for a change.

just a suggestion
If you send the son a valentine, include DIL

[Rose799]

Oh Seasage, though I hate to admit it, you’re right about cutting dh some slack.  Of all the times we’ve had issues over family, none was his doing.  He’s just a big ole softy at heart who tries to accommodate everyone.   On occasion, I’ve pushed dh to speak on my behalf.  I assumed that he would instinctively know what to say.  He’s tried a few times, but for what good it did, he may as well have used a case of dynamite.  : )  Then it all falls back on me & I get to put his fires out, as well.  It took a long time to learn to speak up for myself.  I do for the most part now.  Dd makes it a real challenge.  When I do, I try to keep in mind that two wrongs don't make a right, to not hurt the other person's feelings & to say what I mean & mean what I say in such a way that I won't later have regrets.  It's not easy to un-ring a bell...

I’ve been sitting here feeling sorry for myself all morning.  I’m returning to my normally scheduled programming now…      Thanks Seasage

Any day is a good day to show people we love 'em...