Am I a bigot? The Thesaurus gives such words as “extremist, racist, hypocrite, chauvinist, etc., to offer words for bigot…. It sure seems contra to what I am and yet my son’s claim I am.
We are traditional white, middle class folk with a protestant orientation. We have 2 adult sons, both over 35; one is married to a girl from Mexico and the other a Black girl. Both girls I like a great deal, and really have nothing to say about them that I dislike. I will admit that it’s not easy having daughter-in-laws that are of different ethnic and race backgrounds, as daughter in laws and mother in laws have enough difficulty bonding without adding more. I have never seen myself as a bigot or even prejudice but than too I have been predominantly associated with people of my same ethnicity my entire life so I agree that some uncomfortableness’s might show from time to time. I truly think that I try very hard and work even harder to not cause anger or resentment, but sure enough just when I “think” things are going well, I end up offending someone somehow.
I believe that we can change minor “stuff” about ourselves but entire personalities….no, we are what we are, like it or not. Having love in our heart, treating people with kindness, not being vindictive, being honest, fair, and striving for acceptance are the important things. There simply are just some traits one can not change. Learning to just “accept” the good with the bad needs to be everyone’s goal; I never was able to do that with my own parents, so maybe this is my “payback”
My biggest fault is my mouth, my mom used to say to me, “people don’t want to hear all that”. I always spoke my mind and said what I felt. My parents were like most people, they would be nice to people to their face but as soon as out of sight they would say terrible things about them. I always hated that, talking behind others backs, or saying one thing just to keep peace but feeling another or complaining. So I go to the extreme I guess and just say my truth. In my perception I have gotten a bit more subdued about it, now I often wait until I am asked. But then one’s perception is not always another’s.
My other big down fall is I come off to others as thinking I know it all. This one is really difficult because at times it is just me trying to identify or join in or be apart of, or let them know I understand them or accept them……but it comes off as knowing it all. I really have a hard time with this. I don’t want to feel insecure or have low self esteem, but it seems to always be my battle. When our children do not like us it just cements those tender negative thoughts of ourselves; such a way of it; I can’t seem to “not care”.
Not being a part of my children’s lives is so painful; any parent knows what I mean. I guess I need to practice what I preach and learn to accept, I can not “make” them accept and forgive me; to appreciate what my attempts are and the minor strides I do make. I guess I need to just accept being alone is okay. I want closeness with my boys and their wives just too much, I gotta let that go.
I know me and regardless, I will continue to try and notice what I say, how I say it, and when I say it….. I will continue to try and change myself so I am “okay” in their perception. But I too need to forgive myself when I fall short and not beat myself up for not being accepted. I can not live the rest of my life in turmoil, sleepless nites, and self chastise-zation…
