I have one child……a son. He’s now 42. I took him out of my first marriage…….an abusive marriage….. before he was even two years old because I could see how badly it was starting to affect him, even at his tender young age. When he was three, I married a man who had no children. We’ll be married 40 years this year. My husband has always been a wonderful father and husband. We weren’t fortunate enough to have children together, so we focused solely on my only son. He’s always been adored, we’ve always fed his self esteem, always showed our pride in him.
We’ve never been wealthy, but we’ve always been comfortable financially. Because we didn’t want to worry about son being in unreliable cars, we’d buy him new to fairly-new cars through high school and college. We paid the insurance on them. We also paid for his college education. I won’t go into how he took advantage of us by taking my husband’s brand new car without permission (when he was in high school) and smashed it up. We also won’t go into how he then smashed up the beautiful car we gave to HIM to drive. Those were teen years, and we honestly were naive enough to think they’d pass and that one day he’d realize how loved and fortunate he was………..and there would be a happy ending with a great relationship between us and son.
He’d bad mouth us in a way I never would have dreamed of bad mouthing my parents, even though I had far less in life than my son was given. My husband and I have worked our own way through life……….no help from our parents. Still, we showed respect.
I was a stay-at-home mom, because my husband and I felt that was best for my son. I was always there for him, through whatever he experienced. My husband was always there for him, too. We tolerated many of my son’s outbursts, always thinking it was a stage he’d just get through.
We continued to help him any way we could when he got married. They got TV’s from us, NordicTrak equipment, we helped them move and make their lawn pretty when they bought a home. We threw an expensive event for them when they turned 40. No great fuss was made by either of them as all these events took place. In fact, they barely spent five minutes with us at the party we threw for them.
It seems their friends have the spotlight in my son’s and dil’s lives. They do not want children of their own, and I have to wonder if it's because my son is very selfish and doesn’t want to share with a child of his own. When the two of them are not at work, they spend every minute with their friends. In the past, I’ve mentioned how much I’d love to see more of them, since they live only 15 minutes from us; but, each time I mention it, he’s jumped all over me and then stops speaking to us. I would give in by getting in touch with him, so that we could be on speaking terms again.
This past Mother’s Day while dining at a restaurant, I asked him, quietly and nicely, if he could find the time to come see us once a week or once every other week. He sizzled with anger. He told me I had just ruined another holiday by bringing up “visits.” I asked him if he knew how heartless he was being. He made the most horrible,wicked “grinning” face and shook his head, “Yes!” I was taken aback by this blunt display of cruelty and said, “You mean you agree that you’re being heartless?” Again, he made the horrible, wicked, “grinning” face and nodded “Yes.” He followed that up with “And I’m not gonna spend the rest of the day with you. I’m going home from here.”
Tears rolled silently down my cheeks. My dil said nothing, as it’s never been her practice to say anything to him like “These are your parents. They’ve been loving and generous to both of us, and I think you should show them some respect.” SHE would NEVER speak to her parents in this manner. The odd part about that is she’s been given more in life since she came into our family, because we spoiled her in ways her parents wouldn’t dream of.
If my husband and I could think of any good reason for them to want us out of their lives, this might make sense to us; but we can’t! My son hinted that he finds us boring now that we’re seniors. He can’t stand to visit with us and do nothing but talk. It’s just not “him,” as he put it.
Though they want nothing to do with us, we still sent her a check for her birthday. Why did we send her a check in spite of everything that’s transpired? Because we already honored my son’s birthday earlier, so we didn’t think it would be right to ignore dil’s birthday. When their anniversary came up, we decided enough was enough and didn’t acknowledge it at all. That’s very out of character for us.
You may be thinking we went overboard in everything we did. Our friends have stated that the only mistake we’ve made is to make my son the center of our universe. Funny, but I didn’t think you could love a child too much or nurture them too much. I honestly believed the only thing that could come from focusing so much attention on a child was love between parents and the child. What a fool I am. How can a person become mean and cruel simply from lots of love and attention? We never visited them unless we were invited, because we’ve heard so many couples complain about interference from parents and in-laws. But does that mean we shouldn’t expect any visits from them, except for maybe 10 times a year? Or if they need something? They never have holidays at their home. My son cut out Valentine cards, because he said he doesn’t feel Valentine’s Day is meant for parents. Then he made sure he made plans that didn’t include us for Memorial Day, the 4th of July, Labor Day and Easter. That left only Christmas and every other Thanksgiving as holidays spent together. The preparations for Thanksgiving and Christmas were left up to me. By the time I was their age, I was already relieving my mother of holiday responsibility for years and years, but they don’t seem to think about taking a turn for anything.
Unexpectedly, I received an email from son……the first communication in over six months. It said only:
“Hello. Thought you’d want to know that my father in law had a second heart attack over the weekend, had to have a balloon procedure done in the hospital, but will probably be allowed to come home tomorrow. How are you guys doing?”
That was it. He didn’t even sign it. There was no sign of an apology, no sign of affection, nothing. Am I just supposed to forget how he treated me and the "faces" he made to me and act like nothing ever happened? He’s used to having us give in with no apology necessary. He just expects us never to mention it again. We refuse to do that any more. I responded to his email with "We wish him a speedy recovery."
My husband's birthday rolled around, and son and dil sent him a gift card via email. Husband was so fed up at this point that he sent son a note saying, in light of what's transpired, he couldn't accept the gift card; and he sent it back to son. No response. Christmas came, and son and dil sent a flower arrangement with a card saying "Merry Christmas. Love, ..........." No phone calls, no visit. I responded with an email that said the flowers were unexpected but very pretty. We gave them nothing for Christmas. No communication of any kind since then.
I'm in emotional pain every day since this started last May on Mother's Day. I cry. I lose sleep. I pray. But no answers come to me. I'm sick over the separation, yet giving in to my son once again by being the one to contact him to end this separation doesn't feel like the right thing to do either. He seems very content to fulfill what he considers an "obligation" by sending us gifts but having no real relationship with us. What do the gifts mean? Is it what he considers to be "reaching out" or is it just a "token" of obligation on his part? Does he feel gifts make up for the time he doesn't want to spend with us?
I'd appreciate any suggestions, and I thank you for taking the time to consider my problem and letting me know where I went wrong.
