'Count your blessings...'

[forever spring]

In my view my DS and DIL have a good life, job, house, healthy children (one baby), lots of help from FOO and me. There is always a babysitter around. However, they are not very happy, always tired, always complaining. 'Nightmare' is the favorite word. I have made a grave mistake by suggesting that they look at their lives and count their blessings. Even told them about a friend whose 3 year old twins are mentally disabled. I just thought that would get their sympathy. Instead, I am made to feel that I have said the wrong thing and that I lack in sympathy for their situation. That's actually true. I can't feel sorry for their situation because they have so much help in all ways. I don't know what to do! Obviously if they percieve their lives to be a nightmare at the moment (granted they don't get much sleep, but both GP often look after the babies during the night and in my view they do have a lot of outtime). DS workes very hard and unsociable hours so that DIL is on her own 3 evenings a week but during that time there is always one set of GP to help.
I know about the invisible tape over my mouth, but it is so difficult in this situation. I can't understand that they do not get strength in their current situation by 'counting their blessings'.
Maybe I'm not the best person to tell them, I know but it is all so alien to me. Am I envious because I never had any help whatsoever?
I also think that looking at their situation and seeing how good they have it, would make them feel happier in themselves. DIL's out there. AM I an ogre? 

[cremebrulee]

Hi,
and good Morning, nice thread and food for thought and discussion...
No, I don't think your envious, I think it's more maturity/experience....when we're young, we think only about ourselves, and our own problems....but as we grow older, we begin to open our eyes to the fact, that we are invincible and life is short, and start to pay attention to others...some young people have this perception since when they were small, other's acheive it through experience, and others, never get it....the more they get the less happy they are, the more they complain and want more....and it probably bothers you, because they are family and they refuse to see the forest thru the trees....

So, be good within yourself, and allow they're lives to play out the way it's supposed to, and keep a lot of duct tape around, in the event you are tempted to say something again...as you now know, your wisdom will be less then appreciated....see, there is something for you to learn in this event, as well....we're always learning, are we not?   

Learning allowance/not getting involved and just listening is a hard task...especially when you care about loved ones....and it hurts when you see them be so ungratful...so, don't fret...just keep practicing...LOL

Hugs
Creme

[Faithlooksup]

Dear Chelmsford36,   Hello....No, you are not an orge nor are you envious...you just know what life is about and HOW to "count your blessings."

I honestly feel no pity for people who do not know how to count their blessings or to be appreciative, along with people whom do not know how to say "Thank You" when you have done something for them~~they just rub me the wrong way....and then with some people the more you give...the more they take...so its sometimes best to stop giving and let them stand on their own two feet, and find out what life is all about...

My only hope is that they dont have to learn to how to count their blessings thru a misfortune of any kind...for their eyes to simply open and to see how they have been Blessed....

Hang in there my Friend, you are a great MIL and YOU are a Blessings, be proud of that.....

Hugs across the miles...Faith

[Pooh]

No chelms...this has absolutely nothing to do with you.  If they were already complaining about everything, then anything you said was going to draw complaints.  Some people just like to complain.

Don't you sometimes want to just sit back and look at them and go, "What did you expect?  Welcome to parenthood?"

[LaurieS]

More like... welcome to life

You did nothing wrong with telling them to count their blessings.  They should understand that the day you stop counting them, they begin to slowly disappear.

Best thing my son did was to be deployed to Africa, he called and and said.. My God Mom... how lucky have I been.

[seasage]

No chelms...this has absolutely nothing to do with you.  If they were already complaining about everything, then anything you said was going to draw complaints.  Some people just like to complain.

Don't you sometimes want to just sit back and look at them and go, "What did you expect?  Welcome to parenthood?"

Yes, absolutely.  I'd look at them and go.  Just walk off. 

I believe in silence.  I would let their complaints be the last thing ringing in their ears, and I would leave.

[Pen]

In kind of a reverse example of this, my DF & SM constantly go on and on about one of our relatives who has the burden of a disabled child, how hard it is for them financially and logistically even though they have the full support & 24/7 help from their parents, other family members, agencies, & schools. One day I finally got tired of hearing it and asked them how they thought DH & I have managed all these years raising our disabled child w/o any help at all from parents/family/agencies/schools? SM ignored me while DF just stared at me. I repeated myself and he continued to stare before asking for more tea.

It's hard not to take it personally.

[LaurieS]

Good for you Pen... and you remembered the code phase, translating into Pen 1 vs SM 0...   It is amazing that they could see so clearly how hard it would be for someone only to ignore the fact that you find yourself in the same situation to a certain extent.

Is it because people are blind or do they put on blinders for self-preservation? Is it possible that your DF and SM can't admit to having or being related to a child with special needs?  I would love to think that they were able to look so far past her disabilities that they no longer see them, thus not acknowledging the disability..but I find that it's a rare individual who can achieve that.

[Pen]

Thanks Laurie.

[luise.volta]

I think it's the "half empty/half full" syndrome. It's as easy to count your miseries and worries as to count your blessings and joys. Then it gets to be a habit and supports a "poor me/us" mentality. It seems to me that it's a choice that people often make unconsciously or adopt from their roll models or peers.

[Pooh]

I think it is easier for some people to complain and whine, than to put in the hard work to fix a situation.  And let's face it.  Living well is not easy.  It takes patience, understanding, deep breaths sometimes, and hard work.  Those that are willing to do it, find the outcomes and benefits way outweigh the hard work.  Those that are not willing to do it, find it easier to complain about it.

[Scoop]

Chelmsford, the quote I'm thinking about most right now is "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." by Plato.

I'm taking it to mean that everyone has a different level of being "able".  Some people seem to be able to handle so much more than other people, but we have to remember that there's always background "stuff" that makes other people's loads heavier. 

For your DS and DIL, they're at their limit.  What they're living through right now is HARD.  And it's probably the hardest thing they've EVER done.  When I read this, I couldn't imagine the stress of having people over all the time "helping".  So they can never just 'be themselves' and walk around in their underwear, because there's always someone there.  And remember, nothing is ever free.  So they have to listen to the opinions of all of these 'helpers' too.  I don't know, it doesn't actually sound like fun to me.

I can see where your intentions were good, but that they didn't appreciate being told about so-and-so's GREATER problems.  To me it would be like coming on this board and saying 'Well, you can't complain, at least you GET to see your GK's!"

And conversely, if they're the type who LIKE to complain, well, you're trying to take their complaints away from them!

You keep your sunny outlook and let them keep their dirty one.  They're only magnifying their own unhappiness.

[Pooh]

I can see where your intentions were good, but that they didn't appreciate being told about so-and-so's GREATER problems.  To me it would be like coming on this board and saying 'Well, you can't complain, at least you GET to see your GK's!"

I do say that...well not exactly like that.  More like, "It may not be the ideal situation, but at least you are getting to spend some time with them and see them.  I would love to see mine."

[LaurieS]

I can see where your intentions were good, but that they didn't appreciate being told about so-and-so's GREATER problems.  To me it would be like coming on this board and saying 'Well, you can't complain, at least you GET to see your GK's!"

I do say that...well not exactly like that.  More like, "It may not be the ideal situation, but at least you are getting to spend some time with them and see them.  I would love to see mine."

I don't see anything wrong with the gentle reminder such as what you say Pooh.. I've always taken it that you in part were reminding yourself as well.

[luise.volta]

I am too subjective for that to work. When I was recently suffering (you can believe it!) with ingrown toenails that had to be surgically removed...I tried that. I said, "What if you lost your foot, you Silly Goose? This is nothing!" But it didn't make it feel any better and I felt worse because I didn't pass the test.