A Suprise I did not expect for Christmas

[dablacks]

As you might remember from my first post, I have adult kids that are not very nice people.  My daughter had the baby 2 months ago and as long as I listen about the baby, there has not been any clashes.  That's fine with me and better than what I am going to tell you next.

On the other hand, my son called me last night out of the blue. I have not heard from him in maybe a year or longer.  I think, omg, he is calling me for Christmas, must be because the baby is here and will link us all together.

No, not so fast, that would have been too easy.  He called to tell me that we will never be close, he does not want me in his life and I better not ever send any messages on FB to his girlfriend. 

I was feeling happy in the morning and sent a Merry Christmas wish to everyone on FB in a different language using google translate.  I have Italian and German cousins and this girlfriend is french Canadian.  She responded in french, thanks as everyone else did too.  I told my son that he is really over reacting, I meant no harm.  I did meet her twice when we had to be together for 2 weddings and she was delightful.  This horrid conversation lasted 1 1/2 hours non stop.  He was going on and on about intruding on his life, saying the fun we all had when he was a kid is over and now he is an adult and doesn't want to hear it. 
 I said just saying Merry Christmas in french was not that bad. FB is an open arena and open to everyone.  I was calm and cool through out the whole conversation.  Never once saying any negative remarks.  I told him I loved him and that I am his biggest fan. I would take a bullet for him.  I hung up as the cell was dying and thought maybe this conversation was good.  My husband thought so too. Maybe this flushed his feeling out.

The next morning I thought I would call and say that I thought we had a very good conversation yesterday.  He cut me off, screamed, What do you think this is, I told you last night I don't want you in my life., You are rude, mean, aggressive, etc.  I said, I thought we had a good conversation yesterday, I never once was rude .  He kept screaming, Yes you are, I said No, I am not, You are describing yourself, I will not take any more abusive behavior from you and hung up. 

I know I have already mentioned that his father was bipolar and lived his life from 34 until his death in a mental hospital at 50 years old..  Is this history repeating itself.  My husband of 23 years thinks it is. My son was 34 this month and Good help him please and me trying to deal with this heartship again.  Thank you for letting me "Let Go" of this on Christmas Eve.  I don't know where to turn with this.

[Faithlooksup]

Dear Friend,  Hello and Merry Christmas to you also... Yes, you did good and you did nothing wrong-but stop the communication with him for you are only making him more angry when you call.  In my humble opinion-no more calls and no more FB...You have been kind and gracious, now let them come to you.  He knows the door is open so let him walk in by himself.
We do have something in common besides angry sons~~my X is also bipolar and just recently announced that he is Gay a double wammie... However it is very possible that your son may be bipolar, for it is hereditary.  Now I am trying to remember if it skips a generation or not--I am going to have to look that up.  Have you talked to your son about the possibility of being bipolar for his father was?   Perhaps dont ask--maybe send him a letter, or better yet--forget the letter, go on line and get info such as, symptoms etc and send it to him--dont even sign it.. I am certain that he will become upset again but he needs to know this may also happen to him.
Hang in there and we are here when ever you need us...Merry Christmas Ho Ho Ho with lots of HUGS...Faith

[luise.volta]

This is where you turn. We can't fix it...no one can...but we can listen and we can, and do, care.

[SunnyDays09]

He cut me off, screamed, What do you think this is, I told you last night I don't want you in my life., You are rude, mean, aggressive, etc.

  Sometimes you must wonder if there is someone whispering in their ear that their moms are the worst creatures on earth, no?  Every little thing ever done or said is twisted into something no longer recognizable.  I too was cut off.  Basically called a liar, there was NO shred of truth to what I had explained to my son was done/said to me, my daughter, my husband, my family at the wedding...so we are all liars to him - why?  Because she said so? 

He is an alcoholic.  I did my best to always be there for him.  I still have copies of all the unpaid bills, the money sent, the records of arrests, etc.  We went thru hell on earth with him.  To be treated like this by her and her family?   

You don't have to take it.  Whatever you want to call it.  It's unacceptable behavior.  Even if you were a money stealing, drug taking lunatic bent on his very distruction, there is a better way to deal with problems.  Good Luck to you.  I hope you find a way. 

[dablacks]

Dear Happy Luise and Faith,

Much thanks to you all.  I have already decided NEVER to contact his girlfriend again.  I did figure something else out.  He never blocked me all this time because he wants to see what I am writing on family and friends wall.  I am the only one he is NOT friends with.  So I blocked my own son from seeing any posts from me on FB.  Case closed.

PS: I noticed that when my daughter called yesterday morning that she was very restrained.  I know her pretty well and the last two months all we here about is the baby and yesterday I got one word responses.  In May, she already planned the christening at our house and my son is the god father so how will all this work out.   I am afraid she is going to cut me off next and change her plans.  My husband said, don't read into this. Just be your same happy self and stay positive.

Faith,  Knowing that your husband was gay when he was married to you is very hard.  I suspected my husband went both ways.  I was a young 21 year old, from a sheltered Italian family and married my first boyfriend.  It took only 6 1/2 years of marriage to know I needed to exit, back door, fast.  It breaks my heart to say this, but I suspect my son is also gay.  My therapist has brought this up when we talked about the past and the writing was on the wall by time he was a teenager. He had gay type magazines hidden in the basement I found by accident. He had only one girlfriend in high school that lasted just a few months.  I am still only guessing, but I think this "girlfriend" is a cover.  She is young, still in graduate school here in the US from Canada.  I want to be wrong and I know that I said Merry Christmas hoping that if I am wrong, this girl will see what a nice mother in law I will be.  Stupid silly thought that back fired.

Happy, your heartbreak goes so deep too and I think it is ironic that you and all the women here have the courage, love and strong backbone to help so many others as myself.

Luise, Your advise is short and  sweet, Thank you so much.

[Faithlooksup]

Hello!!  I do have to agree with your husband~~"do not read into things and just be your same happy self..."  Good advise that is for sure....  Sometimes men do come up with great words of wisdom!
I was also young, semi-sheltered (I had a mind of my own) catholic~italian/german family, a baby boomer we were to get married raise a family, the white pickett fence house and baking lots of apple pies...I really never suspected my X being Gay, the thought never popped up into my mind...he hid it well.  We have been divorsed for 21 years and I just found out 2 weeks ago--such a surprise it was. 
However if you are suspecting your Son, is there any reason why you cannot just come out and ask him directly???  For chances are Mom your suspicions just may be right on target...for when they cover it (hide in the closet) it will tare apart alot of innocent people, especially when their is a wife and chilren involved!   So "If" and that is a big "if" you are able to nip it in the bud~~more power to you.
Rest assure~~you are not along.....Hugs and Peace, Faith

[dablacks]

Faith, I have thought about this many, many times to just come out with the question, "Are you gay, honey".  No problem at all.  I feel that I would not only burn a bridge, but blow it up.  If he is gay and this girlfriend is a cover and that is why he was outraged to wish her a Merry Christmas, what point would I be making?  If he is gay, and not open about it, and I bring it to the surface, all I feel I am doing is  making it worse for him.  I know that he has gone on vacation with this 40's man for the last 8 years.  I really think that if my daughter knows, they have made a pack to NEVER tell Mom.  It is so much easier to cut me out of his life, rather than have me get too involved. Facebook came along and screwed the whole thing up for him.  This young woman who he met scuba diving came along and here I am being myself and what any mother would do or think.

I would like to say again  how much I care for all your support.  Thank you all so very, very much.  I moved 1000 miles away from my home town almost 20 years ago and this is the first time in a long time that I feel so connected.  Peace and Love, Donna

[mourningdove]

I am a new member and can't believe how fortunate I am to find this place to talk with others who are going through the same thing I am. I also received some surprises this Christmas. First, my beloved father passed away on 12/14/10. As if that isn't painful enough, my son started his b.s. again. Long story short, his biological father is bi-polar (I see that is common on these pages) and my son hates me so much. He was supposed to come visit on 12/25 to help my mother and I through our grief and to help with all the paperwork, etc. that I need to do to tie up loose ends.

On the night of the 24th, which happens to be my wedding anniversary (2nd husband), he IM'ed me calling me the most foul names I have ever heard, he started blaming me for all these things that happened to him during his childhood. This is something he does at least once every two years. He went as far as wishing I was in such emotional pain for losing my father, that I die. He would not stop, and I didn't want to end the IM session with him, because I understand that people with anger can become even worse while grieving and I wanted to help him. But no matter what I said, he just kept calling me the worst names I have ever heard. (I don't know if I am allowed to say them here).

I was abused both emotionally and physically by his father until I got out of the relationship when my son was 12. I should have left earlier, believe me, I know that. When I look back on it, I can't believe I stayed that long, and I couldn't tell you why I stayed, except that I was afraid he would kidnap my son if I ever left and I would never see him again (that was a long ongoing threat).

I tried to make my son's life as easy as possible under the circumstances, I took him on vacation (just us), I bought him whatever he wanted, gave him music lessons and most important, spent almost all my free time with him. In fact, I would say that I over compensated and he is very spoiled.

He is now 30, married, and hates me. He thinks I hate him, and when he was calling me names, I asked him why he was doing this. And he kept saying that he just wanted me to show him that he was important to me, and that I loved him, because I never have shown it.

I don't know what else to do, when he comes out to visit, I drop everything. I spend time with him, all I can. I have given him emotional support when his first marriage broke up, as well as during another horrible time in his life. I even invited him to live with me.

Not only did I lose my father, I lost my son. I have been semi-suicidal,  doing things that I shouldn't. I guess trying to kill myself the lazy way. Eating tons of candy (I am diabetic), cutting myself, praying for a heart attack. I hate my life, and I don't want to be here anymore. I tried to get counseling, but I have called 5 therapists and they all don't have any appointments available for 2 months.

I am alone and scared, I don't have anyone to talk to, my husband is grieving and he won't let my son around him anymore. My mom is grieving, and my only friend is non-supportive (I think she has Asburger's because she cannot relate to the pain I am feeling losing my father, but can feel her own pain for the father she lost).

Thanks for letting me vent.

[Pen]

I am sorry you're going through this, but I'm very glad you found us. You've already seen that many here are going through similar scenarios. What most of us end up realizing is that we can only take care of ourselves. We've done all we can for the other party and it still isn't enough - time to pull back, move on, and live our lives. Easier said than done, I know...best wishes, keep posting, and let us know what you plan to do for yourself (babysteps.)

[kathleen]

Morningdove: I don't know where you live, but many cities now have suicide prevention centers.  Many have 800 numbers if you live in a rural area.  I hope you will call one today.  They may also know how to refer you to a competent professional who can give you an appointment sooner than in two months.

Your emotional issues are very serious.  It may not be life itself you hate, but yourself in this situation in life and the pattern you have developed in life.  Patterns can change.  But professionals are capable of helping where friends and family may not be equipped or educated enough in the issues.

Please continue to seek help.  Your life is worth more than the slow suicide you are describing. 

I am very sorry for the loss of your father.  All the more reason to get help now.

Kathleen

[Pooh]

Yes Mourningdove, please call someone and get some help.  There are many phone numbers on the internet of people to talk to that can get you a quicker response.  Your grief is obvious and you need someone professional to talk to about it.  Best wishes sweetie.

[Nana]

Dear Mourningdove

Welcome to this site.  There are lovely ladies here and very knowledgeable always willing to hear and support you.   I dont know what to say.  But, I know that sometimes our children can be very mean to us, name calling, offending, etc.  It is very painful I know.  My best friend gets a lot of these from his 33-year old son (not married).  She comes to me crying telling me what he says to her.  He tells her that he wants her dead and to spit over her dead body and many other things.  He does these only when he is angry with her girl friend or when he is having any other problems.  My friend has to pay for the broken china.  My guess is that he is angry with himself and with the world.  He feels that life owes him some.   Who else can take all their frustation but mom? 

Mourning....you still have your life to live. 

I will tell you this....at one moment in my life and I am ashame to say (15 years ago) I was having a problem that depressed me as to want to die.  I was desperate and wanted öut" I couldnt tell anyone....it was just between God and Me.  I struggled dealing with my pain.  I couldnt do it alone.  So I searched on the internet and found a site where they help suicidal people  "The Good Samaritan" where I wrote all that I felt and how I was planning on ending my life.  They assigned you a Good Samaritan and took me out of it.  I will forever be grateful to them... I too have problems like everyone does but I would have missed a lot.  Where ther is life...ther is always hope...and things do change believe me.

I will keep you in my prayers.

Love     

[luise.volta]

I am hesitant to comment on such a serious issue and feel that most of us lack the training needed for life threatening situations. However, there are some suggestions here that might take you to those who do have that kind of background. Sending love...

[Julia]

Dear Mourningdove,
You are not alone in your pain.  YOU are worth a lot more  than that person who calls you his Mom.   


Stay strong please,  life can be lonely and unfair but give it a chance.    Watch your diet, no more lollies and no more hurting yourself.    I somex's feel when very stressed andconfused I can't find pages on the internet I need.   If that is the case with you then phone emergency services and talk to someone.    There is so much understanding about depression  these days  get someone to listen to you..do it now.

[dablacks]

Morningdove,
You are a worthwhile person.  I have had a rough life as well.  Very interesting remark I want to share with you.  My son said I was arrogant and I thought, Yes, thank you, to  survive in this world, raise kids on your own, a woman has to be arrogant, strong, determined and focused.  That is what you are.  A VERY STRONG woman and what ever a child of ours said it really is not the end of the world or to be considered in any way shape of form.  This child that you brought into the world is not a soothsayer of knowledge. he is an inmature person that you did your best to support and nurture.

2011 is almost here, REJOICE in the fact that you are healthy and alive.  I for one look forward to hearing from you this year as everyone of these other strong women I rely on do as well

God Bless each and everyone.