Hey Faith. Bless your heart...I know you are shocked and angry over your boys. But I will tell you a personal experience with this. My best friend and I met when we were 12. We were always so different but got along very well. She was the original "loose woman" (trying to say that nicely) and I was always goody-two-shoes. We spent every moment together on weekends, at school...you name it. She slept with every guy we ever met and got pregnant at 16. She had a beautiful daughter and I was in the delivery room with her. She got into drugs and alcohol badly and her Mother sent her to numerous mental facilities during these teenage years. She was so rebellious and unreasonable to everyone, but me. After she found out she was pregnant, she stopped all the drugs and alcohol. She was a wonderful Mother and when we were 18 and graduating in a month, she attempted suicide (she came close to succeeding, heart stopped twice and they had to revive her). I was so mad at her because she had been the model Mother during the last year and all of a sudden this. Her Mother took over care of the daughter while she entered a mental facility in another state for 6 months.
I was not allowed contact, and frankly...I didn't want any. I was soooo mad at her. When she returned, she showed up at my house and wanted to talk. I allowed her to, but didn't really want to hear her out. I was still to mad at her. During this conversation, she finally looked at me and said, "Pooh, I am gay." I was totally shocked and in denial and made comments like, "You are not. You have slept with probably 200 guys. You have a daughter. You like guys. Etc.." Long story short...I threw her out and told her never to contact me again.
I was so embarrassed for myself. All I could think of was, "We have spent the night together at least 1000 times over the years and now she says she is gay? What will people think of me?" Now, I had no clue. She had never given me or anyone else any indication. I convinced myself that she was lying and trying to get attention. How could she do this to me? I did much soul-searching over the next couple of years and it wasn't easy. I was still so angry, but I missed my best friend.
So I finally decided that it was me that was embarrassed over it and if it was true, it was truly her that was having the harder time. (This was the 80's and not excepted like it is now.) She didn't do this to me. So I called her and asked her to come over. She did and we cried together for hours. She apologized over and over again. We talked about it and the main thing she said to me was, "I have known for years that I was attracted to women. But I was in denial. I did not want to be gay. So I thought the more men I slept with, the more attracted I would be to them. So I slept with every guy I met trying to convince myself I didn't like women. I used the drugs and alcohol to escape. After my daughter was born, I realized that it didn't matter what I did...I was who I was and I became very depressed and decided I didn't want my daughter to ever know...thus the suicide attempt. I have been given a second chance, and I love my daughter. I can not hide from it any longer and I need to face it to deal with it."
Faith, I told you all this to say, she didn't do anything to me. Yes, it felt like it for a long time and I was embarrassed and hurt. But in reality, she had an issue and was doing the best she could at the time. She made horrible choices, but was trying to survive her own horror at what she was going through. She never meant to hurt me, her daughter, her parents...no one. She said that she did everything she did, so the world would accept her as normal back then. And in doing so...she lost herself. She said that most gay people do the same thing and try to be someone they are not. She calls herself the best actress ever.
Now, 25 years later, we are still best friends. I accept her for who she is, she accepts me for who I am. She changed her life around and is a successful business woman and has been in a loving, caring relationship with a women for years. Her daughter, loves her with all her being and also accepts who she is. I would have missed out on a great friendship if I had not listened and accepted. None of this may be the case in your Ex, but if he is truly gay, he has probably been fighting these feelings for years and didn't want to believe it.
