A Grandparent's Advice

[RedRose]

When a grandparent has a concern about a grandchild, why is it sometimes considered as being interfering?
Why is it not considered as a grandparent's advice, a persons opinion on how she would do things...even if it is unwanted advice.
You don't have to follow it .. listen to what you want to and throw away the rest.

[RedRose]

I know what you mean Anna.  A friend's advice is sometimes considered more seriously.

I'm just curious to know why?

[luise.volta]

There are some who can do that, RR. (Some.) Makes sense to me!

[Rose799]

My Mother -- the Parenting Expert

http://motheru.com/the-buzz/my-mother-the-parenting-expert/

[LaurieS]

When a grandparent has a concern about a grandchild, why is it sometimes considered as being interfering?
Why is it not considered as a grandparent's advice, a persons opinion on how she would do things...even if it is unwanted advice.
You don't have to follow it .. listen to what you want to and throw away the rest.

There is advice and there are opinionated statements being carefully crafted as advice.  Once it's been made clear that the advice is not welcomed or the manner in which is being offered is not appreciated, then advice becomes an unwanted nuisance and it's probably best to keep it to yourself.

A statement was made: A friend's advice is sometimes considered more seriously.  I can see that as being true, in part because most times a friends advice is requested not freely given at every turn, day in and day out. 

[Pen]

My Mother -- the Parenting Expert

http://motheru.com/the-buzz/my-mother-the-parenting-expert/

What a sweet story, Rose799. Thanks for sharing.

I don't know what it would have been like to have had a mother's advice, or a MIL's advice for that matter, since both passed away too early. I really could have used their support and comfort.

From my point of view, if you have responsible, loving GPs or any other capable, kind family member to help with your kids, treat them like gold. Don't take them for granted. Putting up with a bit of annoyance is nothing compared to the stress of dealing with possibly unreliable, unmotivated, unloving strangers. It's hard to find a Mary Poppins.

[luise.volta]

Ah, yes...Mary Poppins. There she goooooooooooooes, up, up and away............

[luise.volta]

A lot of it is in the "eye of the beholder" to my way of thinking. If I said something to ODS, I would get, "I did not ask for your unsolicited advice"...and when I did the same thing (that to me was only conversing on the subject at hand)...YDS would say..."Thanks so much, Mom...I never would have thought of that and it really helps." Go figure.

[RedRose]

That was a beautiful story Rose 799.

My sister-in-law, a good friend to me, once told me that after some conversations with her children she asks them....

"Are you just telling me this story for conversation or do you want my opinion?"

[holliberri]

RedRose,

At least in my experience, when advice is not followed, the advice is continually repeated, and then repeated to others right in front of you; which is a little passive aggressive in my opinion.

For example, last week, we went on a trip to the ILs, and my DD was a little more than exhausted for her naps (there was a lot going on, and she's only 5 months). We're used her to screaming before her naps. She does it and  then falls right asleep; and has done that since the day she was born. My MIL kept going on about teething and kept trying to "distract" DD with toys, which may get her quiet down for a few minutes but then it turns into even louder, longer crying because she's twice as overstimulated. This has repeatedly been the case on our visits with her. Since we weren't listening to her, she kept repeating herself about toys and distraction, and then started telling everyone else. Even though, we told her, several times, "NO." When we talk to her about this, she says she likes to help and give advice and doesn't understand why we get upset; we don't have to listen to it if we don't want and she is okay with that. If that is the case, why does the advice keep being repeated?

Quite simply, I don't have friends that do that. My friends either aren't as invested in the decisions I make or understand that I know my child best. They suggest it once and the move on. Much easier to take, I think, but I'm also in therapy to deal with people's actions and learning that the only think I can control is my own reaction. I need to learn to "tune out" maybe, but that is tough to do.

[luise.volta]

I think we have to careful about tuning out. We need to get it...(whatever "it" is) and then move through our reactions, thoughts and feelings...so we can focus elsewhere.

[RedRose]

I feel that if you listened to her...just once...take her advice on 1 thing...maybe she will stop...I say maybe.
Is it worth stressing over?

My daughter just had a baby a little over 2 months ago. She has said to me how some things her MIL says to her about baby really get to her sometimes. She has listened to me...she thanks her for her advice and tells her maybe she will try that some day. She takes what she says with a grain of salt. She loves her MIL and knows she is only trying to help.

One time my DIL (ex) was having a hard time calming her baby...I knew she would not take advice from me...so .. I just went to her side and started to rub his cheek softly. He stopped crying...within seconds. She Thanked me and I would see her do that to her baby often.

Just my opinion

[Faithlooksup]

Hi Everyone,  Once upon  time when I was close to my DIL, Son and GC's I only gave advise when I was asked!!!  I never interfered for once upon a time I had a nasty MIL and she would always say to me "No, you are doing it wrong--do it this way"  and from years of hearing that I promised I would NEVER be a medeling MIL, and I kept that promise to myself within my heart.

My DIL would ask me for advise and I would suggest--gently to her, for she is an adult and has the right to choose her own ways--for that is how we learn.  I also feel that how we lend advise is extremely important~~"Connect...Don't Correct..."

I did read sometime ago, in regards to DIL's asking friends vs. us GP's for advise, that DIL's do not want us to look down on them for not knowing what to do (even tho we wont do that) they dont know that for sure, so they go to their friends to hide their embarrassment from us.

Hugs to all...Faith

[Scoop]

I think there's a big difference between a parent giving advice and a friend giving advice.  There's a history of authority with a parent, or sometimes an expectation of respect for someone older.   It's a habit to 'obey' your parents and if you don't make a good separation when you're a teenager, I think it can plague you into your adult-hood.  It sometimes seems like instead of responding like an adult with "we'll take that into consideration", the response is a childish "you're not the boss of me!".

There's also the history of the relationship too.  My Mom and I have worked out our relationship.  I know where she's coming from and I will accept MUCH harsher words from her than I would accept from anyone else.  Because I *KNOW* her, I've known her my whole life.   

My MIL and I do not have a good relationship.  And I think a big part of that is that I don't know how to take her.  For example, you don't ever say "No" to my MIL, if you say "No" to her, she will rag on you and hound you until you say "Yes'.   So DH has learned the "yeah, yeah, whatever" trick.  Whatever MIL says, DH says (basically) "Yeah, yeah, whatever."  and then does whatever he wants.  And MIL has never called him on it.  It seems to me like she doesn't care if you follow her advice, or do what she tells you, as long as you don't say "No" over it, even if you're polite about it.  Well, that just seems dishonest to me, to agree with something and not do it.  It took a LONG time (and, I'm sure, hurt feelings on both sides) for me to realize that MIL wants it that way.

There's also the WAY advice is communicated.  For example, we didn't have a family picture of the IL's up in our house.  We had our reasons.   So one day, MIL said "DH, you don't have pictures of Mommy and Daddy in your house, it's like you're ASHAMED of us!"   Really?  Mommy & Daddy? (What about SIL?)  Ashamed?  So that statement made me angry enough that now it was a line in the sand that I was NOT crossing.  But I was telling the story to my family and my Aunt said "Well you know Scoop, if there was a picture of my DIL's family and none of mine, it would hurt my feelings."  Well, that made sense to me and at this point the family had changed enough that I talked to SIL about it and the next time we visited, we had a family picture taken that included the WHOLE family.  And I have it displayed next to my family picture (which needs updating).

So yeah, because MIL and I don't speak "the same language" and because I'm not allowed to bow out gracefully, I have a hard time even listening to any advice from her.

[holliberri]

I understand that GPs are more invested in the GCs than a friend would be and I wasn't trying to imply all MILs are alike.  As Scoop said, people are my friends b/c I've cultivated a relationship with them. I probably wouldn't be friends with them if they were heavy on the advice; I don't like feeling pressure. In addition, friends have often had a long time to figure out each other's nuances/idiosyncracies. I don't really have that luxury with MIL. She was just there one day; as was I in her life. That, in itself, creates a certain amount of baggage. Perhaps if there was less pressure from the start, I wouldn't be in the position I'm in now 7 years later.

Also, in my experience, the advice goes much deeper than just with DD. It started when we moved, when we left the military, when we bought a house. It's just on a whole new level now. So, it's not the advice about DD that is necessarily the problem; it is the way it is handled when we are *clearly* doing something else contrary to her opinion. I've listened to her about law school, about having special notices put into our mortgage contract, and for other things over the years. She doesn't seem to notice when we do listen; only when we don't. I'm not particuarly sure what to do about that. I've also noticed that the advice is often contradictory (like when I applied to law school she was dead set against it suddenly, but she was the one that gave me the idea). I often wonder if the advice may on occasion be self-serving.

That's it, for me personally, this is why I take the advice of friends a little better than I do my MIL.