Christmas

[nonamehere]

DD married in June and moved to distant state where I have extended family.  I just found out that her MIL has bought airline tickets for DD and SIL to visit at Christmas.  Visit will be from Dec 22 til Jan 2.  DD has informed me that even though her in laws live in the same state as us and within a two hour drive, we will not be seeing her during this time.  Her MIL has indicated that the time is to be devoted to them.  My DD is young (26) but not that young.  I am disappointed that she has agreed to this plan.  I am disappointed that her husband has asked this of her.  I am sure part of the justification is that we have seen DD in her new location as I have been there off and on to visit with and care for my father who is dying of cancer.  And, I have in fact seen my daughter but none of these visits have been relaxing or enjoyable.  It is a very stressful time.  I am very sad that the travel dates guarantee that we will not see DD whether we happen to be at our home or visiting our extended family.  I shared my deep sadness with DD but the decision is made.  I will see my SIL on Thanksgiving day and I must say I am struggling with seeing him for the first time since learning of these plans.  I know I should keep my mouth shut, but I am so angry over this decision.  And, as I have already said, my daughter is obviously going along though she tells me (and I do believe) that she would much rather spend the time visiting home.  She says they are afraid to make his mother mad, that there was much friction over the fact that they spent Thanksgiving Day and Christmas Day at our house last year but this was because of plans made with my daughter prior to the engagement.  I thought at the time he should have spent the time with his family but it was none of my business.  However, since his mommy was so pissed over last year, our family is being shut out for a full 10 days.  I want to handle this in the best possible way, but I am very hurt, sad and jealous.  I can't remember the last time I had 10 uninterrupted days with my daughter. 

[Nana]

Dear Nonamehere

I am sorry that you feel hurt with this situation.  I understand your pain.  But at least you know that your daughter cares about you, but do not want to cause any trouble.  Your dil's mother was very greedy and selfish of course.  She put your daughter and sil in a very difficult position because she is paying for the airfare.  If I were you...I would just stay calm for my daughter's sake.  Please dont stress your daughter.... she feels just the same as you do.  You love your daughter and now show it, making life easier for her.  You had her last year and will have her many more times.  There will be another time that she will be able to come and see you exclusively. 

This is just my opinion.   

Some other wise ladies will give you great advice.

Love

[Pen]

Why do people have to be so selfish? My DIL & her FOO do the same thing. DS has stood up to them somewhat, but I imagine it's more difficult for your daughter to say anything. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this heartbreaking situation.

10 uninterrupted days? I can't remember the last time I had 10 uninterrupted minutes with DS! I surely miss him. I'd love to be able to spend some time with him that wasn't also filled with attention grabbing theatrics, eye rolls, snide comments or, in the event DIL isn't present, constant texting or calls to DS.

[Pen]

Oh, and welcome, Nonamehere! Glad you're here, but sorry you have to be here if that makes sense.

[nonamehere]

Nana, if my daughter felt the same as I do, why would she agree to such a plan.  I'm tired of trying to make things easy on my daughter.  I'm very sorry that I have such bitterness in my heart about this, but I do.  And you know what, there aren't always more Christmases etc.....I am in great despair, my daughter knows and doesn't seem to care. 

Pen, I'm sure I won't even talk to my daughter during this extended visit.  I don't call her when she's visiting them and I doubt she will call me.....maybe the mandatory Christmas day call......frankly......I don't think I will even want to talk with her as I am so aggravated.
And it does make sense, I'm sorry I have to be here and sorry that I foresee a very long life of future disappointments given the players and their personalities.  I liked by SIL very much and didn't see this coming.

[Tara]

Nonamehere

Hello and welcome.  I'm sorry for your disappointment.
I would encourage you to take time to grieve and then figure out how to
have a nice holiday yourself. 

Is it possible to visit your DD and SIL where they will be staying at SIL's FOO?
Maybe drive there and take them to lunch?  dinner?  just a thought.

Our dear forum leader often says here that we 'trip over our expectations' which is true for me.

I'm glad you are on this forum, there is a lot of wisdom and support here.

[nonamehere]

Tara,
My husband I would have been happy to do that, but have been told that DD's MIL "expects the time to be devoted" to her.  I think that's pretty clear don't you, we're not welcome.  This is all after footing the entire bill for a wedding at which half of the guests were their family and friends.  I understand about tripping over expectations, but twelve days.....come on.  I didn't expect Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Years Eve or New Years.  I also didn't expect that my daughter would be asked or agree to a complete shut out of her family.  Believe me, I am just as angry with her as I am with anyone.  I hope that she goes there and is completely and totally miserable.  I hate to say that, but if I told you otherwise I would be lying.
Nonamehere (because in some respects I am very ashamed of myself)

[seasage]

Tara,
My husband I would have been happy to do that, but have been told that DD's MIL "expects the time to be devoted" to her.  I think that's pretty clear don't you, we're not welcome.
...
I also didn't expect that my daughter would be asked or agree to a complete shut out of her family.  Believe me, I am just as angry with her as I am with anyone.  I hope that she goes there and is completely and totally miserable.  I hate to say that, but if I told you otherwise I would be lying.

So what would be your preferred way of handling this?  Make dd's MIL feel guilty?  Make dd and sil feel guilty?  Create a climate where you and sil's FOO could share the wealth in the future?

[LaurieS]

If this were happening to me, I would speak directly with your daughter and tell her what you said here.. you are hurt, angry, and feel left out.  I feel that you are correct to have expectations of seeing your daughter and sil for at least a day as they are only 2 hours from you.  Yes, why shouldn't you EXPECT to be treated with a little respect.  I  would not go along with the, but my husband.. or but my mil... She is 26 and not that is not young, she's been standing on her own two feet for awhile, so why fall back on others as an excuse now.  Your dd is also the only one who can say, hey wait a minute mil, I do want to see my family as well.  She has the right and ability to not accept a gift that has these types of attachments. If she chooses to accept a strings attached gift and accept these demands then you have your answer, she's a big girl and should be able to flat out say that this is her decision if that's the case.

You as well as the other family are both going to have to come to terms with the fact that your kids are people and it's unacceptable to pull at them like rag dolls.  Your dd  and sil need to find some balance between families if this marriage is going to make it through the holidays and to look forward to having both families a part of their future.

[luise.volta]

What a learning curve for your DD as well as for you. Her moment of truth was when the gift of a trip was offered with strings attached. There's the rub. We pay...you dance to our tune. Not easy for a youngish adult to discern that she is being bought and has her own self-respect and integrity to consider. Threats of tantrums when bowed down to just bring more of the same...because they obviously work. Sending love...

[nonamehere]

Laurie,
I agree that they are not rag dolls......but we're talking twelve days.  People have to realize that decisions like this have consequences and by people, I mean my daughter.  People become hard hearted to protect themselves.  I never thought her MIL would come between us but I believe her mission has been accomplished.  And yes, I realize that she's only successful if I allow her to be, but the last thing I am interested in is an ongoing battle for affection that can so easily be bought.  Self-preservation become the order of the day.
Nonamehere

[nonamehere]

I don't think she is in my corner and that's what hurts the most.

[1Glitterati]

What on earth will they do for 10 days?  I can't think of anyone outside of my dh and kids that I want to spend 10 consecutive days with.

I really don't see why, if your daughter wants to see you, she can't just man up and tell her mil "Hey, my mom is coming up on such and such a day and we are going out shopping and to lunch."  or even "Yes,  I plan to drive over to mom and dad's and visit for a couple of days."

If your daughter wants to see you, and isn't---don't blame her husband.  Blame her.  She isn't standing up for herself.  Your daughter has the choice to see you.  She can't be made to not see you.  Yes...she can have to deal with pouting and whining and likely passive aggressiveness from her mil and likely her dh when her mil whines to him about it...but she has the choice to see you if she really wants it.

[nonamehere]

1Glitterati,
I agree with you.  My daughter is the one who could stand up and she isn't.  That is the bottom line for me. 

[luise.volta]

Well, the subject line in this thread got me going and I have my lighted wreath on my door and my lighted "sbow man" on my porch! Right behind you, Anna!